19 May 2009

Fox News' blooper reel grows

During a commercial break from the season finale of 24, Fox 5 News anchor Brian Bolter delivered this little gem; we're glad to know they're so modest, Brian.

13 May 2009

Your Misery is Not Good Company.

An open letter to the cranky middle-aged weirdo in the office.

Dear CMAW,

I'm sorry you hate your job, your wife, your kids and (from listening to you bitching day in and day out) pretty much everything except fantasy baseball.
We work in a tiny office space so my headphones will not drown out your random yelling outbursts at the aforementioned job, wife, kids etc...
Your misery is now my misery.

Oh wait - actually I'm not sorry.

I need you to please become medicated, quit or find something else that will make you not here.

Oh and if I were you I would also consider tightening the fuck up.

xo -

06 May 2009

Music "insider" revises history of rock and roll.

{Expanding on a tweet from this a.m.}

Last night, moron American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi weighed in on contestant Danny Gokey's rendition of Aerosmith's Dream On, citing that she would've preferred some "early Aerosmith", such as Cryin' or Crazy. Yeah, that early Aerosmith from the 90s, right?

Tighten, DioGuardi: Aerosmith formed in 1970 (the year you were born), and Dream On was released on the band's eponymous first album from 1973.

Secondary tighten goes to Gokey himself for shredding the final notes of the song, ruining the climax. To his credit, it was a noble attempt, but well beyond his range.

{and never you mind that the Tighten Up Report sometimes watches AI}

See the performance here (DioGuardi's comments unfortunately excluded):

Musclebound Hulkamaniac begs for requitement, humiliates self.

I don't care if it's fake, it still fails as a bad joke. To tighten!

01 May 2009

Loose elevator maintenance

When I saw this I imagined the super of the office building on the phone with the elevator company and their conversation going something like this...
Super: Hello, yes I need a number 10 button - ours is broken.
Elevator Supplies Depot: Sure ...oh, wait ... we only have 1's ans 0's ... no 10.
Super: No 10? Are you sure?
Elevator Supplies Depot: Yep.
Super: Ok ... I guess a 1 will do ... less confusing then 0 - you have a square button right?
Elevator Supplies Depot: ....