23 December 2008
Ok Results - as a new member of your gym, I'm generally a fan. Machines are always open, it's never terrifically crowded - good marks all around.
Until - that is - this morning in the womens locker room... what I saw there still makes me shudder.
I don't know what sick depraved woman put "the Miracle of Life" on the locker room TV.. .but if I wanted to see babies born at 7:30 a.m. I'd go cruise maternity wards. It was like a drive by - I'm putting on my fleece to go brave the cold and BOOM ... uterus.
So Results, as a person who hates fat and babies, I want to register a complaint and say TIGHTEN UP ... that show had both and that is double disgusting.
05 December 2008
03 November 2008
Since voting doesn't really matter in the District of Columbia, the great folks at the bureau of elections here decided to make it FUN! How do you do that? You put ADORABLE cartoons on the front of the voters guide ... because let's be honest ... when you are having fun, you don't realize you are completely fucking disenfranchised. Hurray!!!!!
(oh ... insult to injury .. . the tag line at the bottom of this terrific piece of civic literature? "You complete us." * screaming*
01 November 2008
28 October 2008
23 October 2008
20 October 2008
Dear Tech Support Team at T-Mobile,
I am blindingly angry at you and your lack of tech support.
How is it POSSIBLE that my problem with my brand new blackberry is beyond your comprehension?
I have spoken to three tech experts ... no one has been able to fix the problem.
I have also realized that anyone can be a tech expert because the term is applied liberally at T-Mobile ... hobos, cats, plastic bottles ... anything or anyone.
Tech person one told me no other device ever manufactured by the company has ever gotten stuck on the loading screen. Really Tech person one? Because Tech person 2 disagrees.
Tech person number two said it was fixable but I couldn't do it on a macintosh. WTF? Who doesn't have mac compatible software?! It's fucking 2008!
Tech person 3 tried really hard ... I'll give him that ... but still ultimately failed so I hate him too.
I hate the blackberry 8700 ... I hate T-Mobile ... I now need moral support more than I need tech support.
05 October 2008
1. Minnesota 76.7%
2. Wisconsin 73%
3. Maine 72%
4. North Dakota 70.8%
5. Oregon 70.6%
6. Montana 69.9%
7. New Hampshire 68.9%
8. Iowa 68.8%
9. South Dakota 67.1%
10. Missouri 66.3%
76.7%!!! That is like downright European. I live in Virginia, currently 36th down on the list. Why does Minnesota have such great turnout? Is it that Minnesotans are a whole bunch more politically engaged? Less disillusioned? More civically minded? No. Turns out that of these 10 states, 5 have at-the-polls registration (Maine, Minnesota, Montana, NH, Wisconsin, Wyoming), Oregon has by mail voting and North Dakota has no registration requirements. Many European countries automatically register voters (check out Germany, Denmark) or make registering compulsory (UK). So when we hear the inevitable post-election lamentations regarding poor voter turnout, I think we need to examine how draconian registration requirements prevent Americans from voting rather than blame a hypothetically apathetic citizenry. Word.
03 October 2008
WINK! If you're anything like me, i.e. a proud lip product-wearing double Xer who likes to spend her nights watching infomercials and dreaming about six packs then MAN OH MAN was last night a great moment for America, which is a great great nation which I am blessed to be, like, sitting in right now. The debate that was had last night, you know, was just resilient Main Street resources governor and then puppy dog tails Alaska! Butchya know, I don't so much like debates because they take the focus off the sidelines of the soccer games of America and put them in the elite city colleges of the not small towns and then everyone gets fucked. So what I really liked, and what I'm sure you really liked because if you're not like me then what in name of Bullwinkle are you doing reading this, I mean HA HAHAHA HAAAAA. Seriously. What.
Where was I? Yup! Ok, so what I really liked about the debate was that it was more like regular American real talk time, like the kind I have with my Aqua Net Hairspray wholesale rep who is also a maverick. I just kinda looked the debate in the eye at the beginning and was like "Hiya! I'm not at all sure what I'm doing here watching this Washington cocktail party, something about blinking maybe? but I don't like it, it's a leeetle bit big in the crotch, so mind if I pretend I'm watching a Martina McBride concert on GAC instead? THANKS. I love her. She's American." And it was great.
And especially what was entrenched in last night's greatness was all the truth of everything that was said, except when it wasn't and then God corrected it, so it was like the non-truth was never said in the first place, I think something about taxes. Alaska! But only the small town part. And that Gwen, who I truly tolerate, was so funny with her asking of some questions. It was a little rude, to be straight with ya, the way she interrupted with the questions when really, real regular American talk does not stop or blink, even when you're not really super sure if you have anything to say and you really really need to blink kinda bad but then God tells you what to say and the real talk goes on and on like oil reserves, which are great for drilling, which is not at all like rape. Rape is when something bad happens but then you get to have a baby afterwards so it's like nothing bad happend in the first place. It's like truth! And Alaska! Which is part of America, kinda. WINK.
30 September 2008
I'm mad about the fact that Sarah Palin's candidacy is still being taken seriously by anyone in the voting public of this country. But I'm also mad about the way the discussion is being framed as a question of the importance of experience.
I think experience is overrated. I believe in what JFK told Robert McNamara, when the latter expressed hesitation to accept the job of Sec Def: There's no school for secretaries of defense, and there's no school for presidents, either. A great president isn't made by experience alone, but a combination of judgment, personal strengths, innate ability, intelligence, experience, yes, and millions of other things.
The issue isn't her inexperience - it's what the way she DEALS with her inexperience says about her as a leader, manager, and person.
Whereas almost any thinking, moderately self-aware individual would pause to reflect before accepting one of the most important jobs on Earth (as McNamara did), Sarah Palin didn't blink, as she told Charlie Gibson. She has no interest in even acknowledging that it's CONCEIVABLE she's not prepared. Here's someone so insecure that she thinks it would have been a flagrant admission of unworthiness if she had simply said, "Yes, John offered me a huge responsibility, and after much reflection and discussion with him, I decided to accept and allow the American public to make their own decision."
Watching these interviews, which provide our only glimpse of what the non-scripted Sarah Palin is really like, I'm not so concerned about her incredible degree of ignorance and her inability to form a coherent sentence; I'm more concerned that she is evidently EXTREMELY uneasy being challenged or pressed on anything she says. Is this someone who's going to surround herself with people smarter than she is, people who will tell her when she's wrong, people who will tell her what she doesn't want to hear? Or will she surround herself with sycophants who reinforce her own worldview and her opinion of herself? Is she going to let facts and common sense guide her decisions, or will she be more concerned about asserting herself as The Decider and proving to her advisors that she's not an idiot? What does the record show us? The image of her working out the state budget with her husband Todd and the emails from her subordinates saying things like "You're SO awesome!" do not paint a very optimistic picture, were she ever to occupy a position of real power.
What scares me about Palin is not inexperience or ignorance. It's that when I watch her in those interviews, every fiber in my body tells me that what I see is an insecure, defensive, and incurious individual who knows she's already ascended beyond her abilities, and is deeply uncomfortable with being faced with that reality. If given the opportunity, I'm sure that she would shield herself from it as much as she possibly could - probably without even realizing she was doing it.
Just look at Mao to see what happens when an insecure, small-minded human being is handed vast amounts of power. The reason the Great Leap Forward resulted in 50 million deaths is, above all, that Mao unwittingly created incentives for people to tell him what he wanted to hear, even if it wasn't true. People have a natural tendency to favor those who make them feel good, which can backfire against managers in a very big way; and Sarah Palin gives no indication that she's the sort of person who understands or appreciates this issue. It doesn't matter how much executive "experience" you have (not that she has much of that, either) if you don't have the mental and psychological qualities of a great manager. And courageous, intelligent management requires more psychological fortitude than Sarah Palin has demonstrated in any of her interviews, where she comes across as fragile, fussy, and impatient towards any kind of intellectual challenge.
She's bad news, and it's not because she's inexperienced.
27 September 2008
Moving beyond the initial bad experience-- I went to eat my "Sandwich" and there was no top bun. Excuse me? Are you trying to tell me I need to watch my carbs? Then... when I took it back to "Erika" and told her the problem... she looked at me like I was an alien. Took my sammy and whipped around to find someone else who maybe had two brain cells and said "umm like there's no bun on this...." The other person confirmed they had brain cells because they said "We will get them to make you a new one right away"... Thanks "Kayla"
Seriously- tighten up Chick Fil A. Especially you... "Erika"
26 September 2008
con·tes·tant (kn-tstnt, kntstnt)
1. One taking part in a contest; a competitor.
2. One that contests or disputes something, such as an election or a will.
We should also add to that list "constructive criticism, preferably via eye-roll and, eventually, tears whose delicious sting nobody but Kenley will truly ever appreciate."
Girl cries A LOT. And because I'm all for a) Project Runway and b) spontaneous dips into the emotions pool, I was all set to give Kenley the benefit of the doubt and believe that she was moved to tears by her passion for fashion, until she went and committed the ultimate act of treason, i.e. disrespecting the sacred, notedly tight words of the Rt. Hon. Tim Gunn, at which point I gave up because life is too short to work at liking someone just because they have nice, shiny hair. Am I right? I mean, if passion for fashion wore a three-piece suit and said "make it work", it would look just like Tim Gunn. And so all the crying and talking back started to take the form of an ugly passion-less b-word that I really hate to deploy against my fellow womenfolk (it's a layered issue and we can chop that onion later - who's in for that entry!) so I felt a little stuck. Maybe she had a difficult childhood in a home where patterned fabric was a no-no? Perhaps her Brooklyn apartment is, like mine, designed for people who don't own clothes? No. It's something completely different. Take it away, Kenley:
Rad! Hormones! I get that. In fact there are some shooting towards my fingertips right now. Oh the emotion. Excuse me while I take a few deep breaths and go pound my head against the Feminine Wailing Wall for an hour or so before I can resume rational blogging.
P.S. See? I'm so out of it now that I forgot to tell Kenley to tighten up.
25 September 2008
Apparently it looks a lot like a 1594 tableau by Martin de Vos. In the middle is the goddess of Tightness crowned with laurels and holding the scales of justice and a sword, triumphing over idiocy and dysfunction, symbolized by a masked woman caught in her own web and a violent miscreant who has been disarmed. In the foreground on the left, Moses is depicted with the Tables of the Law, and on his right the Emperor Justinian, the codifier of Roman Law. On the right there is the bearded Numa Pompilius, the second king of Rome, who compiled sacred laws inspired by his wife, the nymph Egeria. On the far right, Pliny the Elder can be seen, with his left hand resting on the 37 scientific works he wrote. 37! Anyway, I imagine that this is what the candidates will see before them as they do their best to answer
You're wrong, Palin. We're not elites. We're GODS. Now go cower in your cave. We'll cover Plato another time.
How shall I put this without compromising my famously ladylike temperment. Oh, gosh. I know:
Wall Street, tighten the fuck up and take the fascist political establishment with you when you GO TO HELL.
Now. Where's my needlepoint. I must stick it directly into my eye.
Tighten #1: Fail Blog, I love you to death (and you almost obviate TUR), but for god's sake you're the slowest website on earth. It shouldn't take 25 hours to download a video of a FedEx truck driving into a swimming pool.
Tighten #2: There's a new Wachovia ad with slow acoustic guitar music strummed stacatto. Am I the only one who realizes that this is Pachelbel's Canon in D slowed waaaay down? On acoustic guitar?! Is this 1996 and I'm at my high school's coffee house in the cafeteria on Thursday night? Yes, it is!
Don't believe me? Test it>>>>>>D - A - Bm - F#m - G - D - G - A
07 September 2008
04 September 2008
To the USPS:
I wish to bring to your attention a disturbing display of unprofessional behavior on the part of a postal worker that I experienced while conducting business at a USPS location in Montana. I appreciate your time and your willingness to ensure that this problem is dealt with in the appropriate manner.
On Monday, August 11, 2008, at approximately 3:30pm, I visited the Grant Contract Station (1 Grant Village, Yellowstone, WY 82190) to mail a postcard. The name of the teller who worked with me is Ms. [blocked out]; Ms. X and I were the only people in the room at the time of this encounter. In the course of our transaction, Ms. X initiated ordinary small-talk with me, asking what was in the news that day. I mentioned the death of Isaac Hayes and Russia's invasion of Georgia, but was not forthcoming with any further information. Ms. X then lamented, in a general and inoffensive manner, the violent nature of human history (in reference to Russia's actions), with which I casually concurred.
At this moment, as I was preparing to leave, Ms. X suddenly asked me, "Are you a Christian?" Being rather taken aback by this unexpected question, I reluctantly answered, after which she asked me the follow-up question, "Do you believe in God?" When it became apparent that I did not share her personal religious beliefs, Ms. X asked me whether she could give me some literature to read. She reached behind the counter and handed me a copy of a tract published by the Watchtower Society, entitled What does the Bible Really Teach? She then pulled out her personal business card, wrote her personal cell phone number on it, and told me to let her know what I thought after I had read the literature in question. I have enclosed both of these items for your reference and examination.
Here, I come to the point: it is deeply inappropriate for an employee of the federal government to use her office as a personal pulpit for the dissemination of her religious beliefs. It is unacceptable that I should have been asked by a postal worker, in the course of a professional transaction, anything at all about my religious beliefs – to say nothing of having religious propaganda foisted on me.
I trust that you share my deep conviction that offices of the federal government are no place for religious proselytizing, or any type of unsolicited discussion of a religious nature. The postal service has been so vital to the smooth functioning of our society, from the time of Benjamin Franklin to the present day; it is regrettable to see it so abused by an unfettered agent leveraging her office toward the advancement of private objectives. I am grateful for your work in advocating on behalf of consumers, and I thank you for dealing with this matter in accordance with whatever disciplinary procedures your office deems appropriate.
20 August 2008
18 August 2008
What exactly was the CNN affiliate in New Mexico thinking when they picked this background?
(yes. This is a canvas question.)
Is Bill Richardson floating through the dream world of clouds and gianormous state seals?
Is he president up there?
06 August 2008
It's like a real life "Who's got the case of the Mondays?!" only worse because it can be used anytime.
Good rule of thumb: if you have to ask the answer is no.
01 August 2008
As he was even in April (and no doubt long before), Robert Mugabe remains the biggest son of a bitch in the world.
PS - As a tightness-neutral aside, his predecessor's name was Canaan Banana. Apparently during his rule he was compelled to pass a law outlawing jokes about his name. Just a little piece of Friday afternoon trivia for ya....
29 July 2008
Flying a kite in Tiananmen Square in the heavy pollution, from the IHT.
And what does this tell you?
Faced with the prospect of dangerously high levels of air pollution during the Games, International Olympic Committee officials have warned that competition in endurance sports, such as the marathon and long-distance cycling, might be postponed or even canceled. The world’s fastest marathon runner, Haile Gebrselassie, has already withdrawn from the Olympic race for fear that air pollution might permanently damage his health. Many athletes are planning to take precautions, such as arriving in Beijing as late as possible, coming well equipped with medication for possible asthma attacks, and wearing masks once there.- From China’s Olympic Nightmare by Elizabeth C. Economy and Adam Segal in Foreign Affairs.
Here's more from the WSJ.
Beijing, tighten up.
I'm not saying that sparse percussion is a bad idea--I think it's tremendously effective--but these two (2!) guys are catching the world's biggest free ride off a guy who is doing 100x the emoting...it's like he's the whole racecar and they're the mudflaps. Unless they're spiritual advisors, I can't see how it's worth dragging around the extra weight. I'm pretty sure I'd rather half Rolph from the Muppet Babies, or at least Animal, the drummer from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
23 July 2008
16 July 2008
Please go to fantasy island to play your pretend sport, o people who feel the need to talk about Fantasy Baseball constantly.
(We will forget for a moment that playing a pretend sport is untight.)
I'm so glad that you have a hobby. I am.
But frankly, it's like listening to someone talk about their imaginary friend for hours ... it's just sad. That said, my pity only extends so far, as the unrelenting conversation about something that DOESN'T EVEN EXIST is making me hate the sport of real baseball and you.
Go play a real sport ... except kickball... and tighten up.
13 July 2008
I am currently sitting in Cleveland Hopkins Airport. Sitting in an airport based on lies. The friendly folks at the Southwest Airline's ticket desk have been announcing for several hours that BWI is closed because of weather. When I contacted my friends in Washington to let them know I was delayed, they informed me that there were NO storms and the weather was actually quite beautiful. So I pulled out my computer. Wowsers! BWI airport's skycam shows crystal clear skies and weather conditions say scattered clouds. Hmmmm.
My inner sleuth could not handle the possibility of being deceived so I took it further. I contacted 1-800-I-FLY-SWA.
"Sir, why is BWI closed?"
SWA Dude: "BWI, closed? It is not..."
"Well, I'm in Cleveland and your people are telling us that BWI is closed."
SWA Dude: "Hold on, I'll look into it. (PAUSE) Well, it looks like there are some delays from other flights that might be holding you all up. You're plane is on the ground in CLE."
"So why are they saying BWI is closed?"
SWA Dude: "Well, because of the cost of fuel. We used to send flights out ASAP but now rather than circling around until being given the go-ahead to land, we wait until you are guaranteed a land time."
"So they are lying? But I have a computer and a blackberry and a phone!?!?!!? There is wireless internet in the airport!"
SWA Dude: "Yeah, that gets us into trouble sometimes."
Just then I hear the woman at the SWA counter telling an elderly woman:
"Whenever the airport re-opens. I don't know...whenever they re-open the airport! I'm really sorry but I have no information for you until they update us at 5:30 (2+ hours delayed). Then, they will let us know if the airport is open."
Needless to say, I won't be partaking in this airline's bargain prices again. I can handle the cattle call boarding procedure, the annoying song & dance flight attendants but I can't handle the lies.
11 July 2008
10 July 2008
09 July 2008
The sign says you open at 9am.
I arrived at 9:15, and you weren't open.
I texted Becca because this was too classic.
At 9:18, a woman saunters up to the door, looks at me, and says "are you looking for me?"
Not any more. Kinkos, tighten the f up.
02 July 2008
I'm so glad you are here. Welcome. Now kindly shut up and don't talk.
No, I don't want to hear about the student newspaper - nope not about your friends who know someone who knows someone who used to work for Hillary Clinton either. Simple one word answers to polite obligatory questions like "Where do you go to school?" are adequate and frankly preferred in email form.
Why are you still talking?
I hate to be the one to tell you, you have decided to pursue a career in a dying industry, basically like graduating with a degree in 8 track repair.
But if you insist on sticking around,the following things are untight: talking, running through the office to flirt with make co-workers by offering them baked goods - it's not professional and that guy could be your dad, asking me for work to do - if I need you I'll find you, approaching my desk, using the word "passion," talking.
Thanks so much.
xo - Brenda
01 July 2008
22 June 2008
18 June 2008
In your "relationship status" you have your significant others name... you have a bunch of super cute quotes from them in your "quotes" field, an album of pictures in your "photos" AND a set of sweet "gifts" they have given you.
For the love of Christ - do they really have to be in your profile photo too?
It's FACEbook... not FACESbook.
I won't even start on people who have pictures of their baby INSTEAD of them ... another post ... another angry day.
17 June 2008
Dear Delta Airlines,
I'm writing to thank you for my wonderful experience on a recent flight to Denver connecting through Cincinnati. Unlike other airlines, that take you to the destination that you initially planned to travel to - you anticipated my needs before I even knew I had them. Instead of taking me to Denver - you decided to sit on the runway for three and a half hours at Dulles... updating me and my fellow passengers three times that the runway in Cincinnati was closed so we could not take off.
Miraculously in the meantime, my connecting flight managed to take off and leave ... early even! I can only assume this was a fluke and that the connecting plane was flown by unicorns or angels.
While initially I was - I'll admit - murderously angry ... I didn't realize that you just wanted me to have Skyline Chili in Cincinnati because you knew that the crackers that you brought around during my stay on your lovely airplane were disgusting.
So thanks Delta - the chili was indeed delicious and I arrived in Denver the next day - exhausted ... but fed.
P.S. Fuck You.
13 June 2008
12 June 2008
Starr Ruxtable lives in an Italian nature preserve - where Brenda and I believe all children should be sent until they are of drinking age. See you in 20 years and 2 months little unicorn!
10 June 2008
Earlier this month, John McCain told the following joke at a Republican Senate fundraiser (story at Salon.com):
"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."
What?! This is the kind of thing elementary school kids or drunk 20-somethings say. This begs the question, Has John McCain's old brain retreated to 5th grade or is he just drunk?
Yes, I know it's just a joke, but this man is running for prez, and eight years of jackass in the White House is already eight years too many.
Unfortunately, although many newspapers reported on the joke, few major papers actually published its words, citing it as too viscious. I call that soft reporting with a little sugar coating. I don't need to be coddled by journalists. Give me the details, you hacks.
Thus, the tighten smacks twice: John McCain and News Media, tighten up!
06 June 2008
The good news is that the presidential election is in effect a referendum on the war in Iraq. The bad news is America is dangerously unimpressed with the violence that still occurs daily. We're all consumed by how much gas costs, SITC, and Bill Clinton's vanity fair article. I realize that violence has a numbing effect, but too many of us, myself included, glaze over when we read this. Tighten up Estados Unidos, we're still paying a bejesus amount of money for a fool's war.
Iraqi civilians: Estimates from 49,000 (Iraq Body Count) and 655,000 (Lancet, 2006)
Iraqi security forces*: 5,556
US military: 2,812
UK military: 120
Other coalition military: 119
*Since June 2003
Source: Brookings Institution
04 June 2008
Obviously every city in the country has a jumble of disparate architectural styles that can be loosely associated with the rise and fall of successful economic conditions within the cities, but Nashville has so poorly integrated and planned each build cycle, the resident is left totally distracted by the situation. Just about every architectural style I know of is represented in a city that is not big enough to disperse the effects of the competing aesthetics. Every time I look up I just want to bulldoze half of what I see to make my eyes stop burning. Ponder the following photos...
Tighten it up Nashville city planners. It looks gross.
02 June 2008
29 May 2008
Also see: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/05/29/pkg.me.girls.hit.by.train.wcsh
I admittedly hate Rachael Ray - her bastardization of the English language in her cookbooks fills me with rage -her voice makes me contemplate taking a George Forman grill to my forehead - I won't even get into the Wheat Thins commercials. For this reason I take a little bit of joy in this story ... but do realize that it is the most untight, ridiculous thing ever.
Check the comment from Dunkin' ... the ad was pulled because of ""the possibility of misperception detracted from its original
intention to promote our iced coffee." (hat tip: SM)
From the AP:
Dunkin' Donuts pulls Rachael Ray ad after complaints
BOSTON (AP) - Dunkin' Donuts has pulled an online advertisement
featuring Rachael Ray after complaints that a fringed
black-and-white scarf that the celebrity chef wore in the ad offers
symbolic support for Muslim extremism and terrorism.
The coffee and baked goods chain said the ad that began
appearing online May 7 was pulled over the past weekend because
"the possibility of misperception detracted from its original
intention to promote our iced coffee."
In the spot, Ray holds an iced coffee while standing in front of
trees with pink blossoms.
Cute (adj,): attractive, esp. in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty: a cute child; a cute little apartment.
This word is so overused and and says approximately nothing about the item being described. A simple "I like it" would suffice.
I, too, am a bit of a cuteaholic - so I'm starting a movement: To ban this word for at least a month.
Join me in the revolution and expand your vocabulary.
Here are some alternatives: adorable, attractive, beautiful, clever, coy, cunning, dainty, precious, pretty, sharp, shrewd.
28 May 2008
This is a sticker on trash cans in bathroom at the Houston Airport - it's a little blurry but basically tells people not to throw their needles in the trash and to use the designated disposal container.
Attention travelers at Houston International Airport ... if you need to dispose your needles please do not put them in the trash can. Wait ... why the fuck are you using needles in a public restroom so much that it would necessitate a SIGN in the airport?!
25 May 2008
19 May 2008
The Space is pretty cool. I like it there. But it's a bar and they have these really awesome white couches that look great in early in the evening, when you can see them.
But then I have a couple of drinks and there's this ledge next to the couch that really wants me to dance on it. So I stepped on the couch to get to the ledge. And I made some icky foot prints. I feel bad, but The Space should get real and understand that this cannot be a good idea. White couch + Drunkeness = Dirty Couch.
Tighten Up the Space!
18 May 2008
Bought a Samsung? Never had a problem? Who are you, LordGalvatron, and why the F should I care about your Samsung and its magnificent performance? Are you in the habit of divebombing strangers' flickr pages and leaving snide, self-aggrandizing comments?
That remains to be seen, but one thing that's perfectly clear is that you love transformers! Tighten up, and thanks for stopping by!