A surely way-too-much-time-and-money-on-her-hands Connecticut woman is clinging to life after her 200-pound pet chimp “inexplicably went bananas” (Love you, NY Post! LOVE you!) and mauled the bejesus out of her.
Best part of the story? (surprisingly, it's NOT the fact that the chimp is a former TV star! How fucking awesome is that!?!):
“Colleen McCann, a primatologist at the Bronx Zoo, said chimps are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years.”
Wow, thank you Captain Obvious! You’ve saved the day yet again!
But here’s my question for Wonder Waspy Wife:
You bought a chimpanzee. The chimpanzee grew. The chimpanzee got sick. The chimpanzee chewed your face off and then masturbated on it.
I’m sorry which part of the contract did you not understand?
Write back soo- Oh, er, sorry. Uh, communicate telepathically at your earliest possible convenience.
Yours, Dick Whitman