Reason No. 394 to just get a fucking El Camino already

Today I had the pleasure of taking my motor vehicle to the emissions and safety inspection station in Ye Ole’ District of Columbia. And I have to say; you have truly outsmarted me THIS TIME, District! Because, last time I checked, I would have to own a vehicle older than time itself to actually possess one that could pose a danger of any kind to the environment (and a special shout out to Republicans and the Michigan Congressional delegation for ensuring that emissions standards will remain ludicrously low for another generation! You guys ROCK!)

Yet, despite the fact my car is less than one year old, I had to have it “inspected” before being allowed to have it registered…. As does everyone else who doesn’t purchase a new car or a certified used car from a licensed dealer in the District.

The DMV does not keep statistics on how many cars are inspected on a daily, monthly or yearly basis (I’m personally blaming the precedent set by the Obama Administration for this blatant denial of the public’s right to know), but a good two-dozen cars went through during the half-hour that I was there, so I think it’s safe to assume that it’s a shit ton. But for some real insight, let’s go to the math board, shall we?

The population of the United States is approximately 304,000,000. There are some 10 million cars on the road that are more than 15 years old. For all you non-math majors, that amounts to 3.2 percent of all the cars on the road.

The population of the District of Columbia is approximately 582,000… Meaning that somewhere in the neighborhood of 19,000 cars in the District NEED to be inspected for POSSIBLE emissions violations.

Yet D.C. inspects… almost… every… single… car…

Why? Well because they charge $35 a pop, that’s why. And aside from the cash cow, they probably keep another hundred or so friends of D.C.’s highest and mightiest rather cushily employed.

Score on the local political racket meter? 9.2.

“Oh, but Dick! What about all the important tests they perform to ensure that your turn signals, brake lights and wipers function properly?”

Coupla things:

Nobody uses their fucking turn signals and you fucking know that.

If your wipers don’t work, Lord Darwin has a shiny trophy awaiting you at St. Peter’s Gate.

And brake lights? Ok you may have a point here. Because, let’s be honest, if the police can’t pull people over for having broken taillights, how ELSE are we going to find all the Mexicans? I’m with you on that one.

But I’m still very, very, very anti-vehicle inspection. Even though they forgot to charge me or ask for my emissions report at the DMV when they gave me my plates.

D.C. FAIL. D.C. residents FAIL. Dick WIN.

Yours, Dick Whitman