Oh, Where Do I Begin...

Feast your eyes upon the Holy Grail of Homosexual innuendo...

This article appears on today's Drudge Report under the heading 'Granny Trapped in Closet'. Allow me to supply a few choice excepts...

"She grabbed her cats and took cover in a closet."

"I fell asleep and I woke up and I wanted to get out and I couldn't get out"

"She slipped a note under the door that read "Help, I'm trapped in the closet."

"I was just like 'oh please God let me out. I can't stand to be in here any longer."

"So I say to everybody 'keep a hammer in your closet... and be in shape."

Wow. If only Tom Cruise could be so forthcoming...

In a "Best Headline Ever" Contest...

This would win.

Tighten up AP and stop making me look like a jerk

A certain source of mine, who shall remain nameless, with strong ties to the seedy underworld of the zoo-based media just tipped me off to the AP's retraction of their Paris Hilton elephant story I made fun of yesterday. Apparently, Paris said no such thing and could care less about drunk elephants. I will have to retract my TU on Paris and give her some props for realizing that she is, in fact, a worthless piece of human bowel movement whose only real reason for being alive is to convert oxygen to carbon dioxide.

The tighten up, in this case, must fall fast and hard on the idiot AP reporter that got this story wrong. One would think that checking one's sources when something as ridiculous as Paris Hilton trying to save drunk pachyderms comes up, would be a good idea. Apparently, said reporter disagrees.