A&S Online: Get Actual Topics

Now I know exactly why University of Virginia's College of Arts and Sciences is referred to as the "College of Arts and Crafts". Apparently the College finds the topic categories "Body & Mind" and "Earth & Sky" as a helpful means for traversing their website. Patchouli jokes aside, this is not helpful. Not one bit. Those are about the four most ambiguous words ever. Not to mention that coupling them with ampersands is to multiply that ambiguity exponentially. Thanks for giving us CLAS alumni such a good wrap, A&S Online. But if you change your mind, tighten up!

Game Tighten

As avid readers will attest, I have been portrayed, by some of the more uncouth of our writers, as a "ladies man." I do not refute this claim. I do like the ladies and I do let them know, as responsibly as possible of course. Be that as it may, even I occasionally fall off my high horse. After discussing my weekend jaunt down to Miami with Becca, I realized that I was making nothing but the most weak and feeble of excuses to explain my poor performance in a town that John Ashcroft could score in.

My meager reasoning was as follows. My coworkers, most of whom "bat for the other team," so to speak, and I were hanging out all weekend in the various posh clubs and bars of Miami. I explained to Becca that I thought I was being ignored by the ladies because they all thought I was gay as well, when Becca saw fit to tighten me up by responding, "Pete, listen to me. I'd call you a lot of things, but gay isn't one of them. You couldn't appear gay if you were in drag."

I'd like to thank Becca for forcing me to realize exactly what I was doing. My inability to attract the attention of the female gender this weekend had nothing to do with who I was with, but rather with my poor game. Therefore, I must tighten that shit up.

She'll thank me later

"I've been eating like it's the last day before a diet for weeks."

--my roommate Megan Pryor.


Tighten up, dude.

World Turned Upside Down... Don't Even Know Where to Tighten

This post is going to be very difficult for me. As some of you know, I am a loyal viewer of the Discovery Channel. To be honest, between that and the History Channel, I don't watch much else. Anyway, I was recently alerted by a like-minded friend of this horrible slander. Stop reading NOW and follow the link...


Bear, say it ain't so!! For those of you that have been living under a puny, unmanley rock and need an education in what it means to be the most diesel mofo in the world, watch an episode of Man V. Wild. If you think I'm lying simply read the quote under the photograph on the top of the article, which states, "Bear Grylls crossed a river in the Scottish Highlands for one episode of his TV program, “Man vs. Wild.” In the same installment, he is seen skinning a deer carcass to make a bloody coat."

The guy made a freaking deer coat. A DEER COAT!

So where does the tighten up go? I can't decide. I would never presume to throw a TU at Bear, who is quite possibly one of the most taught people in the world. Perhaps I should tighten myself for believing heroes can actually exist. I think, however, that I will tighten the media haters who broke this story. Why can't we live in a world where a man can watch another man bite the head off snakes and squeeze much needed water into his mouth out of fresh elephant dung and not have to care about its authenticity?

New York Hates My Boobs

In the New York Post I read that, according to a legislative study, the City has 26% fewer facilities offering mammography as compared to the number it had in 1999. The congressman who commissioned the report also noted that women have to wait anywhere from 5 weeks to 6 months for an appointment because Medicare isn't reimbursing the clinics well enough and then the clinics are opting out of the service. Seriously, En Why See. What gives? If 1 in 8 women develop breast cancer in the course of their lives, then I probably have a better chance of getting sick than I do of getting a date in New York anytime soon and that makes for 100% unhappy Minna. Tighten up, City, and start paying up especially before I'm kicked out of the Columbia student insurance tent. Apparently the concerned congressman is introducing a bill to increase payment so let's keep our bra straps crossed because, spake the rt. hon. Rep. Weiner, "Raising the reimbursement rate will ensure that women have increased options to protect their most important asset................their health". No (Victoria's) secret there.

Probably one of the tightest things I've ever seen...

A crazy friend just sent me a video of the entire population of a Phillipino prison performing their rendition of Thriller. It will literally blow your mind.

http://www.poetv.com/video.php?vid=19841

P.S. Sorry about the untaught link

P.P.S. I especially like the guy dressed up like a girl

The TUR is once again tight.

See sidebar for details----------------------------------------------------->

Cherries need to Tighten Up and Lose the Pits.

In these times of intergalactic space travel and hover cars, cherries need to get with the 21st century. Look, cherries are delicious. They have great texture and flavor, but those pits are HUGE (unlike raspberries) and they don't have nearly the charm of the watermelon seed, which has gone the way of the dinosaur. Many other scrumptious fruits have gone seedless: Watermelons , Grapes, Oranges, etc... But cherries continue to suck at life. Why the under performance?
Hey cherries, get with the times and lose the pits.
Let's tighten up here. Jesus.

Beatdown! Genius!

Page Six of the Post reports that Jon Lovitz beat the crap out of the appropriately-named Andy Dick at the Laugh Factory in L.A.

Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada, who witnessed the assault, said, "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." Lovitz told Page Six, "All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is a [bleep]hole."

Lovitz (understandably) has never forgiven Dick for getting Phil Hartman's wife hooked back on cocaine six months before she killed him and then herself.

I applaud Lovitz for his sense of decency and also for just plain wailing on one of the worst people alive. Perhaps this glory will resuccitate his career, which has gone roughly SNL, the Critic, High School High, Subway commercials. Ouch.