Boston Bruin Delivers Epic Tighten

Nice Try, Microsoft

"Microsoft Plans Stores, Hires Dreamworks Exec"

I can't decide what's funner: this story, or Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s attempts to salvage his acting career. Either way, hilarity will ensue.

Loose

Voting is FUNdamental

Since voting doesn't really matter in the District of Columbia, the great folks at the bureau of elections here decided to make it FUN! How do you do that? You put ADORABLE cartoons on the front of the voters guide ... because let's be honest ... when you are having fun, you don't realize you are completely fucking disenfranchised. Hurray!!!!!


(oh ... insult to injury .. . the tag line at the bottom of this terrific piece of civic literature? "You complete us." * screaming*

BWAHAHAHAH

The guy on the left is the guy on the right. I am not making that up.

Tightness award to the hair and makeup guy.

Untight on every other level.

But still funny as Hell.

Mitt Romney Does NOT Record Funny Names

Let's say, hypothetically, that you wanted to use the Mitt Romney for President webpage to send Robocalls to your friends. Well it's hypothetically possible that your friend Mike might get one from his husband Beatrice about family values, hypothetically speaking that is. But your friends with funny names like Rafael (or Raphael), Miles, Lucy, Juan, Ahmad (or Ahmed), or Muhammad (incidentally, the most common given name on the planet) aren't getting one God-forsaken minute of Mitt Romney's time, no sir.

You're telling me that a guy named Mitt with a son named Tagg can't record some more names? Are you serious? Mittens, tighten up.

Dear Idiot Urban Planner,

The reason that the printer in the planning lab has broken is this:

When we run out of 8.5" x 11" paper, the proper course of action is not to fold and then tear 11" x 17" of paper in half, reloading the original tray and leaving frayed edges for the printrollers to catch, causing a meltdown; rather, kindly inform a computing officiant of the lack, and the problem will be addressed through the restocking of paper.

Break our printer when I have shit to get done? Don't do that.

Regards,
TUR Printing Ombudsman

Drew Carey, you have a dream job.

Drew Carey needs to tighten it up! He's the host of one of the greatest gameshows of all time, The Price is Right, but he seems about as interested in being on stage as Oliver North testifying before congress.

His job consists of dispensing cheap dining room suites and entry model domestic automobiles (with California emmissions) to Joe and Joan Sixpacks who know the price of Garlique tablets and can land Plinko chips in a tray. Jesus, how could you not just get drunk everyday before work and hi-five old ladies and make fun of fratjerks?

Bob Barker was a tough act to follow, but Jesus man, get it together.

Mobile Tightness Units

...have arrived. Think globally, act locally.

Yours In Tightness,
The Tighten Up Report
Editorial Board

Tightness has a new home.

That's right, friends: next time you're three posts to the wind at a party and the only URL you can remember is "tightpantsDOTbrocollispotDOTinterwebz", salvation is at hand:

www.tightenupreport.com

For serious.
Yours in Tightness,
Board of Directors
The Tighten Up Report