27 February 2007

After several offal meals, I really need to tighten my shit up.

You wouldn't believe the dog's breakfast I've had to call my supper recently. I was at the Supermarket near my new house, and this Supermarket has a gargantuan meat section which excited my taste for adventure, that I might dine on something besides roasted chickens and so forth.

Among other marvels which I might describe some other day, I spied a product I must have known existed, but don't recall seeing before in a Supermarket, and that was a beef Heart. I noticed this beef Heart bore an almost fantastically deep ruddy color, of a sort that I found intensely appealing and appetizing. I also noticed that this delicacy was scarcely $1 per pound. Without even a second of hesitation, I claimed a pound and a half of this hearty stuff for mine own and proceeded to checkout.

Upon my return home, groceries in hand, I was faced with a perplexing question, to which I turned to the internet for help, and the answer was that I should follow this recipe and none other. So I did, and to the letter - and I would be remiss to understate how truly wondrous was the aroma that overtook my house during the four hours that this concoction stewed in my pot... slow-cook style....

What was not wondrous was the meal itself, which ranks among the worst I've ever been fed - and worst of all is that I did it to myself. The turnips, criminally overcooked, were unrecognizable in flavor, appearance, and consistency from the onions. The carrots were even worse than usual - I detest cooked carrots - and the celery had no reason to be there in the first place. As for the beef Heart, it had the consistency of a whale's erection. Simply offal-I mean, awful.

Look, I'm tired of preparing 6-serving recipes of shit that I take two bites of and then dump wholesale into the trash. Nobody should have to call beef Heart stew dinner. I'm sorry, but I'm simply going to have to tighten up.

1 comment:

Pepper said...

Self-deprecation right out of the gate! A bold move; well played.