Hello and welcome to the Tighten Up Report.
This report grew out of a belief in one very basic principle: in the course of our daily lives, we all encounter people who need to tighten their shit up. I'm not talking exclusively about hotshots, politicians, athletes, hipsters, or other notable personages. When we get right down to it, everybody needs to tighten their shit up now and then--and this is the forum to make it known.
To familiarize you with the scope and tone of the Report, here are some examples of people who need tightening up:
1. In his weekly radio address, George Bush said "nukular," again. George Bush, you need to tighten your shit up.
2. I was riding the subway this morning, and some asshole with a too-large backpack clocked an old lady in the face when he turned around to bum rush an open seat. Subway Asshole, you need to tighten your shit up.
3. My buddy Randy never has cash when we go out to bars, so I always spot him. He now owes me $700 in drinks. Randy, tighten your shit up.
4. In the face of rising oil prices and a decline in small-proprietorship agriculture, the automobile industry continues to evade committment to large-scale production of alternative energy-powered vehicles. Automobile Industry, you punks need to tighten your shit up.
5. I've lost my cellphone twice in the last week. I should probably tighten my shit up.
So that's it. Post early and often, and let's whip some suckers into shape.