31 July 2007
My meager reasoning was as follows. My coworkers, most of whom "bat for the other team," so to speak, and I were hanging out all weekend in the various posh clubs and bars of Miami. I explained to Becca that I thought I was being ignored by the ladies because they all thought I was gay as well, when Becca saw fit to tighten me up by responding, "Pete, listen to me. I'd call you a lot of things, but gay isn't one of them. You couldn't appear gay if you were in drag."
I'd like to thank Becca for forcing me to realize exactly what I was doing. My inability to attract the attention of the female gender this weekend had nothing to do with who I was with, but rather with my poor game. Therefore, I must tighten that shit up.
24 July 2007
Bear, say it ain't so!! For those of you that have been living under a puny, unmanley rock and need an education in what it means to be the most diesel mofo in the world, watch an episode of Man V. Wild. If you think I'm lying simply read the quote under the photograph on the top of the article, which states, "Bear Grylls crossed a river in the Scottish Highlands for one episode of his TV program, “Man vs. Wild.” In the same installment, he is seen skinning a deer carcass to make a bloody coat."
The guy made a freaking deer coat. A DEER COAT!
So where does the tighten up go? I can't decide. I would never presume to throw a TU at Bear, who is quite possibly one of the most taught people in the world. Perhaps I should tighten myself for believing heroes can actually exist. I think, however, that I will tighten the media haters who broke this story. Why can't we live in a world where a man can watch another man bite the head off snakes and squeeze much needed water into his mouth out of fresh elephant dung and not have to care about its authenticity?
23 July 2007
20 July 2007
P.S. Sorry about the untaught link
P.P.S. I especially like the guy dressed up like a girl
19 July 2007
Hey cherries, get with the times and lose the pits.
Let's tighten up here. Jesus.
18 July 2007
Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada, who witnessed the assault, said, "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." Lovitz told Page Six, "All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is a [bleep]hole."Lovitz (understandably) has never forgiven Dick for getting Phil Hartman's wife hooked back on cocaine six months before she killed him and then herself.
I applaud Lovitz for his sense of decency and also for just plain wailing on one of the worst people alive. Perhaps this glory will resuccitate his career, which has gone roughly SNL, the Critic, High School High, Subway commercials. Ouch.
The icon basically suggests that any remotely plausible configuration of seasonally-appropriate weather (excepting perhaps tornado winds and the second plague) could occur in the next 24 hours - the meteorological equivalent of throwing up your hands, shrugging your shoulders, and uttering "uhnnnnnnuhha?"
Well, my friends, I am sorry to report this, but it gets worse.
Today Google tells me that the forcast for today is "uhnnnnnnuhha?", the forecast for tomorrow is "uhnnnnnnuhha?", but the forecast for Friday . . . well that can only be characterized as this:
Wait a second . . . what the hell is that??? Let's look at these icons side-by-side:
What is different here? Isn't it obvious?! Today and Thursday, we're gong to get some sun, and then a large, ominous cloud might appear, and then some pointy, fast, sky darkening rain might fall out of the sky, whereas on Friday, we're going to get some sun, and then a happy, fluffy cloud might appear, and then some fat, widely-spaced, sky-color-neutral rain might fall out of the sky. Dress appropriately, kids!
Update: Mandy helpfully suggests I use Weather Underground instead. While I'm too lazy independently check the weather each day, I do appreciate this site's willingness to admit they have no fucking clue about the very subject they're supposed to report on. Witness:
I wish I knew about this icon when I wrote my first post on Google weather. Somehow, this is actually more reassuring. Also, their cloud has a mouth, which I like.
In spite of the fact that the nyc subway is clearly completely vulnerable to Chertoff's "gut feeling" that there will be another attack on US soil, I sleep better at night every time I see this poster. Haggs is from the Czech Republic, and won first place in the SPCA explosion detection dog nationals. He is a national champion in sniffing out bad shit. Homeland Security, general "war on terror": Tighten Up. Haggs: Bravo.
17 July 2007
Ah, the Library. A precious jewel in the magnificent Orange County crown o' cultural noteworthiness. The Nixon Library and Birthplace was such a vortex of rosy historical revisionism that I refused to apply for the scholarship they gave out to local high school seniors. When former House Speaker Hastert came to the Library in 2000, I nervously sneaked in just in time to hear the audience hiss, literally, at the TIME magazine cover that Hastert was holding up to them with a picture of the Kennedys on it. I got spooked and ran for it.
I'm happy (and shocked, frankly) to note that the Library has recently been undergoing some pretty serious tightening. The release of 78,000 documents and 11 1/2 hours of secret White House tape recordings to an institution that would shoo out the door anyone who dared breathe the name "Watergate" is a pretty kicky development. Secondly, putting the whole thing under the auspices of the National Archives is a big step toward tightness, not to mention how much it will piss off the philistine majority of Yorba Linda, especially those stiff old "docents" that used to troll the First Lady Fashions display case. I couldn't be more excited if I'd actually gotten off my high-school AP history student high horse and done something about it 8 years ago!!
16 July 2007
I link to Nixon's rambling, obsessive tighten up and excerpt the juiciest bits below because it is an absolute classic of the genre. Behold:
- "we have gone far beyond any previous President in this cenury in breaking our backs to be nicey-nice to the Cabinet, staff, the congress, etc., around Christmastime in terms of activities that show personal concern, notonly for them, but for their families."
- "Then there are such things as the treatment of household staff, the elevator operators, the office staff, the calls I make to people when they are sick, even though they no longer mean anything to anybody"
- Referring to his cabinet: "No President could have done more than I have done in this respect and particularly in the sense that I have treated them like dignified human beings, and not like dirt under my feet."
Nixon admonishes his staff: "All of this must be handled subtly and under no circumstances am I going to sit down with anybody and start telling them all the good deeds I have done. Again, such things, to be believable, have to be discovered, and one of the great factors that should be emphasized is that the President does not brag about all the good things he does for people."
Exactly - and that's why Nixon goes on to ennumerate his every selfless act for an additional 6,000 words, including that time in 3rd grade when he shared his thermos of chicken noodle soup with little Peggy Prichard and then let her see the first page of his original Secret Enemies List (but not the next 16 pages where her name appeared three times).
If only Haldeman, et. al, listened to Nixon's advice and endeavored to educate the public about the President's finer virtues, instead of unleashing and covering up a massive criminal conspiracy, we might have never been denied the continued public service of a great humanitarian and world-class tighten upper.
I present to you the icon which characterizes the weather for each of the next four days in my weather gadget on my Google homepage:
What should I take this pictoral representation of present and future conditions to mean? Quite literally, it suggests, "Well, there's going to be some sun, which may be partially obscured by a cloud, which may have rain come out of it at some point." In other words, "We don't have a fucking clue what it's going to do outside." As the owner of a fine pair of suede shoes, I find this vexing.
Google, I propose an alternate simulacrum, which will convey a similar meaning without all the unecessary trickery:
Tighten up and make it happen.
It's a fact universally acknowledged that the world is a better place when Chaney is not awake, i.e. temporarily on leave from sucking the joy, love, and laughter from God's children. With that said: look alive, Veep! I'm not privy to the thoughts and feelings of the Iraq commanders that you're reportedly teleconferencing with here, but I'm pretty sure they're not getting an ultra strong "your government is here for you" vibe at this moment. Even if you ARE checking your Blackberry, then a least lift one of those chins, no? You're being out-done in the We Mean Business Dept. by your boy there and that's enough to jerk anyone into attention.
Tighten up, man, tighten up.
14 July 2007
Now, Morgan should be excused for her (his?) simplicity. As an ersatz Rilo Kiley fan, Morgan is justified for identifying the main issue at hand (the band's mystifying and decidedly un-Rilo Kiley turn in this song) and leaving it at that. I, on the other hand, parted ways with J-Lew and Co. sometime after their departure from the Saddle Creek Records mothership and I have never really looked back, with the exception of an eyebrow furrow aimed at the whole Watson Twins escapade. So it gives me no pains to take Morgan's critique one step further and note that not sounding like Rilo Kiley is only part of the problem. If Rilo Kiley suddenly sounded a lot more like the Cowboy Junkies or Wilco or something, then Morgan would just have to stop worrying and learn to love to bomb.
The fact of the matter is decidedly worse: like Lindsay Lohan going through Alison Goldfrapp's closet and then doing a cover of Gwen Stefani kind of worse. And that's why I'm bothering to even comment on a song by a band I don't pay much attention to these days. Because where the earlier Rilo Kiley material served a certain purpose for some people (especially if you found yourself scoring a short indie film about spunky, troubled young love in the wild-but-not-too-wild west), this Rilo Kiley seems bent on irritating people like me by rejecting emotionally evocative shimmer for...well, at least Jenny Lewis's top shimmers.
My guess is that the Jason Lader production had something to do with the Gwen Stefani angry/lusty attitude of the delivery. But I just can't imagine why Jenny Lewis would abandon her enviably crisp and clear sunshine of a voice for a shiny bra and a nervy "ohh-yeaah". Fame, I guess, is ugly...and shiny!
P.S. France is tight. Joyeux 14 juillet!
Spotted in a bush on South Street just outside the infamous Club 216 (SFW? Suggestive imagery) in Charlottesville, this golden piece glinted at all who cared to ponder its owner. While unknown of course, the likelihood it belongs to a club member is certainly high. C'ville trannies, tighten up! Don't forget that flowing mane when packing it up for the night.
13 July 2007
Pounding rain and uncovered stage sets do not a good outdoor concert make. For one thing, Rockefeller Park lacks the muddy joie de vivre of English music festival venues. Also, unlike the Paltrows, Mosses, and McCartneys of the world, I was ill-prepared: somehow, despite all my best efforts, I had misplaced both my high-end wellies AND my rocker boyfriend. Where IS my mind these days? (Note to self: Minna - tighten up and find your misplaced rocker boyfriend ASAP).
But those of us who stuck it out last Wednesday for Spoon's River to River show were terrifically rewarded for our commitment, not to mention the damage wrought on our green patent leather Marc by Marc Jacobs flats. Ahem. To Britt Daniel and Co. we say: bygones. Spoon released their 6th album on Tuesday (streaming here), leading me to believe that their River to River appearance would be little more than a promotional opportunity. However, not only did the festival organizers make the shrewd decision to nix the opening band, but by the third song it became obvious that the band was pretty damn thrilled we'd waited around for 1+ hours to hear them. They dipped in and out of Gimme Fiction (My Mathematical Mind, I Turn My Camera On, I Summon You) and genuinely rocked their new stuff (esp. Underdog, Don't Make Me a Target, You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb) with the help of their dance-hall style horn ensemble pals onstage.
As the sun set, the clouds over the Hudson went all pretty and stretchy, like pink taffy, and I couldn't help thinking that the whole thing was pretty inspired and that the residents of the high-rises along the Hudson were giant squares for shuttering their windows to all of this.
Eventually, the drizzle started up again, spooking the crowd with the idea that the show might get cut short after all that effort (you try smoking AND holding an umbrella). When the band started getting warning looks from the stage people (something wishy-washy about "electrocution"), Britt Daniel waved them off, turned back to the mic and in two words said everything we'd all kind of secretly wished someone would say about us from the start: "So hardcore." Then they played three more songs.
I think I found my rocker boyfriend.
12 July 2007
Did I mention this is a waterfall? What this sign means is that there are people in the world stupid enough to try to climb a waterfall. I can only imagine how many have been injured, in addition to those who died. Presumably, some have climbed partway up the falls unharmed as well.
My anger at people stupid enough to attempt climbing a cascading waterfall is compounded by my anger at the Virginia Park Service, for dissuading potential Darwin Award Nominees from meeting their destiny. While anyone who climbed the falls and perished deserves a forceful, if posthumous, tighten up, I will refrain issuing a similar declaration to VA, if only because the precision of the sign (why not just write "many" or "over twenty"?) caused me to smile. I wonder: if a 24th person is stupid enough to plummet to their death, will the notoriously cheapskate state of Virginia spring for a new sign?
(On an unrelated note, Virginia does need to tighten up for their insane new speeding law, whereby going 75 in a 55 could net you $3550 in taxes and fines, as well as up to a year in prison. The best part of the law? It only applies to Virginians! What an insane state. VA's 42nd district needs to tighten up and boot out Dave Albo, their child-rapist loving representative in the House of Delegates, who authored the bill).
As I said, Charlottesville - and specifically the Blue Ridge Mountains, where we spent the bulk of our trip - abounds with tightness. Three examples:
Bow-tie wearing vineyard guard dogs
"I couldn't care less."
If you want to make your point, not undermine it, you'll need to remember that "n't" represents a not, which here indicates that you care so little about the matter at hand that it would be impossible for you to care less about it.
Tighten that up, savage.
11 July 2007
"Patricia Diefenderfer [a planner for the city] said she knows what would happen if she got the businesses she craves. Her neighborhood would have become a different place, with fewer working-class families and more affluent ones. Diefenderfer speaks sadly as she acknowledges this, saying it’s almost as if Los Angeles is designed to deny lower-income families decent stores and anything approaching urban street life [my emphasis]. 'To have those things, in this city, you have to be privileged. That is how I feel. And that’s one of the very unfortunate things about this city,' Diefenderfer said. 'The other unfortunate thing is that neighborhoods like South L.A. have... all the right ingredients, and yet somehow, [the amenities] are just not there. And when they get there, the same people will not be there living in it and appreciating it. And I don’t know why that is.'"
Gee, Pats. All that critical thinking they're having you do over at LA City Planning must get pretty tiring. I'm kinda swinging blind here, but I think your shoulder-shrugging fatalism miiiiight have something to do with "why that is". You're a PLANNER. You can't say "I don't know". Knowing stuff is what planners excel at, even if they're often unable to do anything about anything except daydream about it. Are you too busy trying to remember how to spell your zany last name to do your job? Los Angeles was designed to deny lower-income families decent stores like I'm designed to go to bed without taking my eyeliner off and spend most weekends eating peanut butter from the jar with a spoon while watching The Real Housewives of Orange County. In other words, this is not a design problem we're talking about, it's an agency problem, i.e. lack of tightness on the part of urban policy makers. The article says you're involved in affordable housing development so I'm guessing you've been CC'd on memo about the city's housing crisis at some point in your mysteriously clueless career.
I am angry and bored with you, Patti. I hope you get priced out of your neighborhood and then MAYBE you'll tighten up and stop wishing for a Starbucks long enough to THINK really hard about why that is.
09 July 2007
It's bad enough that on a 7 1/2 hour flight, I had to sit between two strangers. Even worse is that I had to sit next to you, you armrest hoarding philistine. It's common courtesy when you have the AISLE seat that you get the AISLE arm rest, not BOTH! To further emphasize your incompetence in the art of manners, your elbow exceeded the arm rest and robbed me of an additional 4 cubic inches from my already cramped personal bubble.
And so I ask, were you raised by wolves? Oh no, that can't be, wolves train their young better.
So, when I woke you up about 7 times so that I could "go to the bathroom", that was out of spite. Let's tighten up buddy.
06 July 2007
02 July 2007
Some of you readers out there might object to such criticism. Yes, the problems seem minor and are already being corrected, but the iPhone is just so cool that stupid little things like these ruin it for me. Come on Steve Jobs, you were so close to tightness perfection...