27 February 2009

That's right Obama! Tighten the F up!

Shit, even old ass Senators know that it's time to tell President Cool to TU. Respec.

20 February 2009

Stick to Puns that are Funny NYP

Now I know that everyone on cable TV and beyond has felt the need to weigh in on the New York Post and their cartoon about Travis the dead Old Navy performance chimp and the stimulus - and sadly, I am no different.
Here's why - how has NO ONE pointed out that it's the most disingenuous argument EVER that NYP editors had no idea that it would be taken as a blatantly racist (uh, cause in my opinion ... it was)? These people are professional PUN writers! The double entendre maestros who brought us "Ike Beats Tina to Death" when Ike Turner died!

I mean - come on - you needed to generate some buzz ... whatever ... the newspaper business is really tough these days ... I get it...but at least fess up rather than issue lame untight apology for a lame untight cartoon.

Nice Try, Microsoft

"Microsoft Plans Stores, Hires Dreamworks Exec"

I can't decide what's funner: this story, or Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s attempts to salvage his acting career. Either way, hilarity will ensue.

19 February 2009

Awful Ads

You know what I don't want to see while I'm watching the Tour of California on Versus TV? This...

Tighten up your advertisers Versus. I know your average American philistine has no interest in continental sports like cycling, but please don't force this crap on us. If I see a penis pump ad during the Tour de France, I will find your ad director and... write a strongly worded email.

17 February 2009

Speaking of Darwin Award winners…

A surely way-too-much-time-and-money-on-her-hands Connecticut woman is clinging to life after her 200-pound pet chimp “inexplicably went bananas” (Love you, NY Post! LOVE you!) and mauled the bejesus out of her.

Best part of the story? (surprisingly, it's NOT the fact that the chimp is a former TV star! How fucking awesome is that!?!):

“Colleen McCann, a primatologist at the Bronx Zoo, said chimps are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years.”

Wow, thank you Captain Obvious! You’ve saved the day yet again!

But here’s my question for Wonder Waspy Wife:

You bought a chimpanzee. The chimpanzee grew. The chimpanzee got sick. The chimpanzee chewed your face off and then masturbated on it.

I’m sorry which part of the contract did you not understand?

Write back soo- Oh, er, sorry. Uh, communicate telepathically at your earliest possible convenience.

Yours, Dick Whitman

Reason No. 394 to just get a fucking El Camino already

Today I had the pleasure of taking my motor vehicle to the emissions and safety inspection station in Ye Ole’ District of Columbia. And I have to say; you have truly outsmarted me THIS TIME, District! Because, last time I checked, I would have to own a vehicle older than time itself to actually possess one that could pose a danger of any kind to the environment (and a special shout out to Republicans and the Michigan Congressional delegation for ensuring that emissions standards will remain ludicrously low for another generation! You guys ROCK!)

Yet, despite the fact my car is less than one year old, I had to have it “inspected” before being allowed to have it registered…. As does everyone else who doesn’t purchase a new car or a certified used car from a licensed dealer in the District.

The DMV does not keep statistics on how many cars are inspected on a daily, monthly or yearly basis (I’m personally blaming the precedent set by the Obama Administration for this blatant denial of the public’s right to know), but a good two-dozen cars went through during the half-hour that I was there, so I think it’s safe to assume that it’s a shit ton. But for some real insight, let’s go to the math board, shall we?

The population of the United States is approximately 304,000,000. There are some 10 million cars on the road that are more than 15 years old. For all you non-math majors, that amounts to 3.2 percent of all the cars on the road.

The population of the District of Columbia is approximately 582,000… Meaning that somewhere in the neighborhood of 19,000 cars in the District NEED to be inspected for POSSIBLE emissions violations.

Yet D.C. inspects… almost… every… single… car…

Why? Well because they charge $35 a pop, that’s why. And aside from the cash cow, they probably keep another hundred or so friends of D.C.’s highest and mightiest rather cushily employed.

Score on the local political racket meter? 9.2.

“Oh, but Dick! What about all the important tests they perform to ensure that your turn signals, brake lights and wipers function properly?”

Coupla things:

Nobody uses their fucking turn signals and you fucking know that.

If your wipers don’t work, Lord Darwin has a shiny trophy awaiting you at St. Peter’s Gate.

And brake lights? Ok you may have a point here. Because, let’s be honest, if the police can’t pull people over for having broken taillights, how ELSE are we going to find all the Mexicans? I’m with you on that one.

But I’m still very, very, very anti-vehicle inspection. Even though they forgot to charge me or ask for my emissions report at the DMV when they gave me my plates.

D.C. FAIL. D.C. residents FAIL. Dick WIN.

Yours, Dick Whitman

12 February 2009

Vermont Teddy Bears Get You Laid


Worried that you STILL don't have the perfect gift for your lady for that all important holiday of all holidays Valentine's Day?
Want a gift that says "I know you are a girl - but otherwise I'm lost" ?
Or "I don't really love you but still would like you to have sex with me" ?
Or "You're not smart, but I know you like presents" ?

LOOK NO FURTHER: Vermont Teddy Bears.
Watch their ad that has been on loop on MSNBC - a channel that no women watch because our brains are waaay too small to stuff in all that talky political stuff.
Here's the link - don't miss your chance!


03 February 2009

Tax evasion and other questionable behavior by public officials

What's with all these public officials and tax evasion?

Also, why was Bill Richardson confident enough to run for president, but suddenly gets cold feet about his ability to be confirmed as secretary of commerce? I smell something fishy going on, and I'm not talking about Governor Richardson's Famous Fish Tacos....

02 February 2009

Groundhog Day: meh.

Groundhog Day: ridiculous by all accounts, but we still tune in to Punksy Phil.

The best part is that Gobbler's Knob has their very own Flavor-Flav.