31 January 2008

First Ever Tightness Discusion Panel

A New aspect of the Tighten Up community:

The Tightness Discussion Panel. Please comment on the tightness of the following statement:

Michael Jackson is the King of Pop.

Seriously AP?

HIV Races Like Pac - Man Through Body

Published: January 31, 2008

I guess it's better than Donkey Kong or Grand Theft Auto?

30 January 2008

And then there were two

Oh, John Edwards. You seemed like such a nice, earnest fella. Thank you for not being the kind of white Southern dude that thinks I'm going to hell. May you go in tightness.

P.S. Kudos on the tight Jesus pose.

Mysterious Traveler Entrances Town With Utopian Vision Of The Future

Tightness Reigns in Southwest Florida

Local candidate, Margaret "Dee" Sulick, chalked up a victory in the hard fought race for Naples, Florida City Council last night. When reached for comment, Councilwoman Sulick stated, "It's great. We worked so hard and I had a lot of support. We even did it without the endorsement of the paper!" Her last refers to her suspect lack of support by local rag the Naples Daily News, which endorsed Dorothy Hirsche, a local business owner, despite Mrs. Sulick's many years of experience on the local city planning board and overwhelming mandate by the populace. To reach Mrs. Sulick for congratulatory purposes and more information on her platform, please see her website.

Disclaimer: Reporting not necessarily fair and balanced.

29 January 2008

Do you like your Russian house? Tough rubles!

This story of a Russian woman whose house in Nizhny Novgorod was accidentally torn down while she was on vacation was made in TUR heaven (a place where dumb actions grow on trees and the roads are paved with bacon). It appears that several confused construction workers demolished the wrong house and were all like "Oops! Sorrys, voman. Here, have some moneys," and the woman was like "Ne! I'll see you in court," and then she was mysteriously poisoned except the government suspects she might have been guilty of thought crimes in the mid-90s. Ok, not that last part, but frankly, I wouldn't be surprised. The article doesn't say what she does for a living, but if she has any relationship to any journalistic enterprise active or otherwise, she's toast. I mean borscht.

PC-E Nikkor 24mm f/3.5D ED

With the huge PMA 2008 photography trade show about to start in Las Vegas, press releases are flying left and right. Canon and Nikon both announced new consumer SLRs (EOS 450D and D60, respectively) and a ton of new pocket cams were announced.

Nikon (finally) announces a 9-blade, 24 mm, tilt-shift lens? Seriousy tight.
Also announcing (without specs so far) that new 45 mm and 85 mm tilt-shifts will be on display at PMA? Fantastic.
The price? So untight they're afraid to put it in the press release in dollars (side note: the dollar? an exemplar of looseness).

RRP: £1099.99/ €1642.00

Translated into dollars? $2,100+. (Compare to a similar offering from Canon for $1,200, only 8 blades...)

PC-E Nikkor 24mm f/3.5D ED: Digital Photography Review

The best explanation of how tight a lens like this can be, see this slideshow (with audio), courtesy of the NY Times.

Dark Knight trailer

So effing tight:

Dear Idiot Urban Planner,

The reason that the printer in the planning lab has broken is this:

When we run out of 8.5" x 11" paper, the proper course of action is not to fold and then tear 11" x 17" of paper in half, reloading the original tray and leaving frayed edges for the printrollers to catch, causing a meltdown; rather, kindly inform a computing officiant of the lack, and the problem will be addressed through the restocking of paper.

Break our printer when I have shit to get done? Don't do that.

TUR Printing Ombudsman

State of the You-Know-What

Last night's SOTU was the doggiest and poniest SOTU in the history of SOTUs (a very patchy history, as it turns out). The smirking! The overly zealous arm stretch handshaking! The politics-is-pain grinning and bearing! This would have been a perfect year for one of those old school President's Message to Congress things that a clerk reads aloud as everyone yawns. Just like the Golden Globes this year! It would have shown solidarity with the writers strike and you KNOW Bush is on their side because I bet he watches the heck out of Ugly Betty (all those bright colors!).

It would have been easy. Any TUer worth her bandwidth could have written the PAMCo (not as fun as SOTU, but still fun). It would have read, simply:

State of the Union: Untight.

No more babies.

I don't know what is in the water over here in the Capitol Hill press gallery - but everyone seems to be breeding.
Ok that's fine, yes the picture of your child is adorable.
I do not what to hear about the following:
* Cute new habits like learning now to remove their clothing.
* Anything that goes in or comes out of their bodies.
* ANYTHING having to do with child birth.
*The phrase, "Oh my first did that..." because it always leads to another story about someone's baby.
*Childless people chiming in "When my niece was 2 ..." Not only does this conversation suck but you don't even have children so stop talking about them.

I went into a profession is historically destructive to the traditional family set to avoid such discussion, so please keep your discussions of "Bobby's favorite night light" and "Jenny's fear of cats" to yourselves.

28 January 2008

Hillary Cruise

This deserves The Tightest Award for Video Editing:

P.S. Obama, Clinton in Tight Colorado Race
So when did the screwnicorn become TUR's mascot?

26 January 2008

Bacon-powered city

Is there any limit to the awesome power of bacon?

From the San Francisco Chronicle:

What if there were a way to reduce the city's dependence on fossil fuels, unclog the sewers, and feel virtuous about frying bacon all at once? No, we're not talking about bacon-powered, sewer-cleaning robots (although that would be a natural assumption). We're referring to one of the Public Utilities Commission's priorities for 2007: to launch its fats, oils, and grease recycling program.
Subject(s): Strickland on recycled grease

Tony Winnicker, spokesman for the PUC, explains that one of the biggest problems in San Francisco's sewer system is the buildup of cooking oil poured down drains in restaurants and homes all over the city, which clogs pipes the same way it clogs arteries. "We could collect that, we could convert that into biofuel, and use it to power the city fleet," he says, thus reducing the city's use of gasoline. Besides, biodiesel technology is already proven, says Winnicker.

Starry-eyed grease enthusiasts at the PUC envision a day in the not-too-distant future when every resident and business owner can collect his own nasty, congealed grease in a little bin — perhaps colored canola oil-yellow. The collection system hasn't been worked out yet: If curbside collection doesn't seem practical, the Commission may set up neighborhood drop-off sites. Funding already in the bag includes $1.3 million for the project's start-up costs and $500,000 for a three-year marketing campaign.

If the project really catches on, Winnicker says the PUC would like to build its own biodiesel processing plant. If restaurants and residents participate in the project in large numbers, the city could collect 100,000 gallons of waste oil per month — enough to keep a plant running full time.

25 January 2008

Dear Mr. Canadian Brown Finch

A spectacularly tight shot, sir:

24 January 2008

Attention fellow Bacontarians:

You're welcome.

23 January 2008

Google Transit: Knee-Shakingly Tight

Wow. Just when I thought my love for Google was maxed out, they go and do something awesome. And I'm always the last to know. The roll-out all their nifty updates and web apps without much fuss and then suddenly, it's everywhere.

This time? Google Transit: directions via public transit on Google Maps. Hot-Cha. Unlike their Street View option, Google Transit has integrated the public transit systems of a significant number of cities, including a few international spots.

So, wanna go from 4412 Northeast 17th Avenue to West Burnside Street & Southwest Broadway in Portland, Oregon? That's a two minute walk northeast then hop on the 8 bus at 5:10pm. Oh, and that'll cost you $1.75 (vs $1.65 driving). That's right: they calculate fare AND estimated cost of driving.

And Virginia's even in there. Good job, Hampton Roads!

22 January 2008

Something Steve Jobs didn't invent.

Via Zach Klein, Steve Jobs said of the Amazon Kindle:

“It doesn’t matter how good or bad the [Amazon Kindle] is, the fact is that people don’t read anymore. Forty percent of the people in the U.S. read one book or less last year. The whole conception is flawed at the top because people don’t read anymore.”

I think this is really interesting because it was the iPod that played a very large role in taking a very old medium (music) and figuring out a way to retail it effectively for electronic consumption--something that for a while seemed like a dubious possibility given the anemia of the record industry and the prevalence of free [illegal] downloading services.

While I don't think advances in technology were ever a threat to the general consumption of music--only the traditional ways in which it was consumed (i.e. physical storage objects like discs)--as it is so manifestly with the consumption of literature and the printed word (in other words, in absolute terms, people are reading less but not listening to music less), I'm surprised that Jobs has so little faith in the ability of a device to reshape the way we engage a medium of expression. Maybe he's just sore that Apple didn't come up with it first, but I don't buy his skepticism. The Kindle surely may fail, but it sounds like the biggest thing that's happened to the printed word in a long time.

21 January 2008

Freddie and Fannie

Ok I've got something to say. Where the hell is Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae in this mortage crises? Shouldn't they be getting in trouble? Everyone knows that Freddie isn't exactly the paragon of corporate responsibility (a repugnant history of cooking books so the execs see more cash money), but as the behemoths of secondary mortgages, shouldn't they have at least something to say in this mess? Anyone have any info? Help a girl out.

18 January 2008

if a blog falls in the woods, and nobody's around...

This is directed to me as much as anybody else, but where the hell is everybody?

16 January 2008

Straight to hell

That's where I'm going for posting this one. Some times it's just too easy. Has anyone seen Radio? Why is he carrying a big stick?

15 January 2008

Hey Linksys

You're one of the largest manufacturers of networking equipment and peripherals in the industry. So tighten up and make your shit compatible with my Mac.

This PrintServer didn't work, and your live chat tech was an asshole.

Fix it.

10 January 2008

Tighten up, dog

If you would've wiped off the damn paw prints, you might
have gotten away with it...

16-0 is hella tight son

We haven't looked as convincing lately, but man it's fun to watch my Tarheels this year.

I'm lucky to have my hand.

I apologize to those of you who I have already shared my George Washington Emergency Room experience with ... but as I thought more about the budget nature of my visit, the more I realized that you, Dr. Obvious, and you, Dr. Careless, need a dose of tightness.
Below is my live blog Wednesday morning:

8:09 am:

Well, one hour and 45 mins after my arrival I finally got X-rays from Dr.Obvious who said "looks like its swollen." Yes sir ...that's why I'm here.
Upon my arrival the waiting room was empty. The receptionist checks me in and I take a seat right in front of her.
People count: me, her, two security guards.
After 15 mins. I ask "did I get here before the nurse is on duty?" And she looks up like she's seen a ghost saying " I thought you were already sitting in her office!"
People count: her,me, one security guard

8:23 am: Ok, I have officially fractured my wrist which will take 6-8 weeks to heal.
Dr. Obvious was replaced by Dr. Careless who prescribed an anti inflammatory ...which according to the gianormous red medical bracelet I'm wearing I'm allergic to...
Currently waiting for vicodin prescription.
I'm wearing a huge wrist brace which I will throw away on my way out to get one that is not marked "large" at cvs.
I also have the pleasure of listening to the woman next to me who most certainly hails from Manassas talk and describe the blister on her lip that she apparently contracted after a hot nacho mishap.
She works for Blackwater. I'm just throwing this out there but I'm almost positive her name is tammi,kimmi, or tiffani.
She's sharp as a knife too ... "What do you c
all cheese that isn't yours?" She asks her companion behind the curtain.
"Not cho cheese!"

Hurray doctors....hurry.

8:31 a.m.: Just traded in brace ...Dr.Careless: "Oh ...this is a large no wonder your wrist hurts by the odd angle at which its tilting"
I think I'm going to end up walking out of here with a peg leg.

8:39 a.m.:Ok have a "small" brace now. Dr.obvious deduced that he must have given me the wrong size and that he had mistaken me for a burly man.
Fun fact: from my time here I have deduced that everyone is prescribed vicodin.

07 January 2008

American Gladiators Redux: The greatest slice of americana ever created?

Phrases heard whilst watching American Gladiators tonight:

"Welcome to the Gun Show!"
"I was just thinking back to childhood, when my momma was chasing me with the belt..."
"I'm not getting wet tonight!"
"Momma, this is for you."
"Back home, in Tennessee, we had a mud wrestling contest..."
"I used to be 50 pounds heavier, but i worked really really hard to get the weight off.  Now I'm here and I'm going to show everyone what you can do when you drop the weight..."
"She fights though Helga, but Helga is big and strong..."
"All you have to do is believe in yourself"
"Let's go to the Subway reply..."
"He was a little bit slippery, but it was just like hog wrestling at the fair..."
"It's a quality edition of leg wrastlin'"
"My momma's here and she told me to make her get wet"
"Now it's time to hang tough with the men."
"You had more moves than a bowl of Jello up there!"
"I'm smelling fear, I'm smelling blood, and I'm gonna eat you."
"Ever wonder how you get a deep thigh bruise?... That's how."
"I'm agile.  Like a... like a mongoose."
"I plan to give 110%"
"I plan to give it 110%"
"I give 110%"
"2:22! You are the baddest of the bad!"
"That's a warrior.  That's an American Gladiator!"

I shit you not.  
This is the awesomest show ever.

05 January 2008

Washed up



1. A person who is habitually cruel or overbearing.
2. A hired ruffian; a thug.
3. A pimp.
4. Archaic. A fine person.
5. Archaic. A sweetheart.
6. Current. Fox nutjob who resorts to weak, petty violence with campaign staff on the other side, who happen to be kicking the crap out of his worldview. Bill = pinche mono de mierda.

03 January 2008

Jan. 6 and 7 ... Tightness is back.

Shout out to Mayhem and Siren.... you Rule.

No More Kings

In honor of the first official shot of the 2008 election cycle, some 70's learnin' music about the American Revolution. No more kings!


02 January 2008

Hey, Hallway Litterer: Don't Do That

Departing my office building New Year's Eve, I spied this lovely mess in the stairwell.
The discarded Fritos were still there this morning. Totally lame, munchie man. Tighten-up.