28 February 2007

. . . and to think they have The Bomb

Oh Pakistan, when will you tighten up?

I'm all for brevity, but this article must be printed in full.
11 Killed at Pakistani Kite Festival
The Associated Press
Monday, February 26, 2007; 7:25 PM

LAHORE, Pakistan -- At least 11 people were killed and more than 100 people injured by sharpened kite strings, stray bullets and other accidents at an annual kite-flying festival in eastern Pakistan, officials said Monday.

The two-day Basant festival is regularly marred by casualties caused by sharpened kite strings or celebratory gunshots fired into the air. Kite flyers often use strings made of wire or coated with ground glass to try to damage a rival's kite, often after betting on the outcome.

Authorities had banned kite flying following a string of deaths at the festival last year, but temporarily lifted it before this year's event. Officials said the ban was re-imposed following the latest deaths.

Police arrested more than 700 people for using sharpened kite strings or firing guns, and seized nearly 300 illegal weapons during this year's festival, said Aftab Cheema, a senior Lahore police officer.

Five of those who died Sunday were hit by stray bullets, including a 6-year-old boy who was struck in the head, said Ruqia Bano, emergency services spokeswoman in Lahore.

A 16-year-old girl and a 12-year-old boy died after their throats were slashed by metal kite strings in separate incidents. Two people were electrocuted as they tried to recover kites tangled in overhead power cables, and two people fell from roofs, Bano said.

27 February 2007

After several offal meals, I really need to tighten my shit up.

You wouldn't believe the dog's breakfast I've had to call my supper recently. I was at the Supermarket near my new house, and this Supermarket has a gargantuan meat section which excited my taste for adventure, that I might dine on something besides roasted chickens and so forth.

Among other marvels which I might describe some other day, I spied a product I must have known existed, but don't recall seeing before in a Supermarket, and that was a beef Heart. I noticed this beef Heart bore an almost fantastically deep ruddy color, of a sort that I found intensely appealing and appetizing. I also noticed that this delicacy was scarcely $1 per pound. Without even a second of hesitation, I claimed a pound and a half of this hearty stuff for mine own and proceeded to checkout.

Upon my return home, groceries in hand, I was faced with a perplexing question, to which I turned to the internet for help, and the answer was that I should follow this recipe and none other. So I did, and to the letter - and I would be remiss to understate how truly wondrous was the aroma that overtook my house during the four hours that this concoction stewed in my pot... slow-cook style....

What was not wondrous was the meal itself, which ranks among the worst I've ever been fed - and worst of all is that I did it to myself. The turnips, criminally overcooked, were unrecognizable in flavor, appearance, and consistency from the onions. The carrots were even worse than usual - I detest cooked carrots - and the celery had no reason to be there in the first place. As for the beef Heart, it had the consistency of a whale's erection. Simply offal-I mean, awful.

Look, I'm tired of preparing 6-serving recipes of shit that I take two bites of and then dump wholesale into the trash. Nobody should have to call beef Heart stew dinner. I'm sorry, but I'm simply going to have to tighten up.

Die Romantik running like a Swiss watch; loose bands take note.

Die Romantik (it's German, not melodramatic) recently finished a residency at Piano's on the lower east side. Fans of French singer-songwriter Serge Gainsbourg, but influenced by the movement broadly, this band played 3 nights of tight operatic French indy rock with the force of forty hurricanes.

If you haven't heard these guys, you need to tighten your shit up and listen to Narcissist's Waltz.

Gore's house, revisited

Well, we knew this was coming:

The office of the former vice president and former presidential candidate told Thinkprogress.org that he has signed up for 100 percent "green" power through Green Power Switch — a renewable energy program through the massive local electric distribution network, the Tennessee Valley Authority.

Gore's representatives said he also has installed solar panels and uses compact fluorescent bulbs and other energy-saving technology and he buys carbon offsets: a service that indirectly tries to reduce the total carbon emissions of individuals or organizations.
In effect, Gore is asking us to review our earlier report mandating he tighten his shit up. Despite the admirable nature of carbon offsets, renewable energy, et al., the fact remains that Gore is setting a bad example and opening himself to charges of hypocrisy with such an extravagent house. Thus, the call on the field stands, and Mr. Gore needs to tighten it up a bit. I suggest he do so by trading in that mansion for a more ecologically sustainable domecile, such as one of these:

Peter DaSilva for The New York Times

College Students Tightening Their Shit Up, Study Says

According to a study by San Diego (a.k.a. Whale's Vagina) State University, college students have become increasingly narcissistic between 1982 and 2006. How is this measured? Well, of course, by the "Narcissistic Personality Inventory " or NPI for short. Apparently in 2006, more than two-thirds of all students had above average scores. For one of the leaders of the study, this is apparently a big problem.

"We need to stop endlessly repeating 'You're special' and having children repeat that back," said the study's lead author, Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University. "Kids are self-centered enough already."

While I tend to agree with her, as recent graduates I believe we should pat ourselves on the backs for raising the bar on yet another test. High NPI scores can only lead to more and more feelings of being special and pretty. Who needs emotions and relationships with scores like this to make us feel good. We have really tightened our shit up. Eat your heart out Carly Simon, this song IS about me.

Beekeepers: tighten up

The New York Times reports massive and unexplained dropoffs in the bee population in 24 states, marking the first national bee epidemic. Why is this significant? According ot the vice president of the American Beekeeping Federation, "Every third bite we consume in our diet is dependent on a honeybee to pollinate that food." So, you might say it matters.

Ann Johansson for the New York Times

While no one knows for sure why bees are declining in such dramatic numbers, one hypothesis exists:

Some 15 worried beekeepers convened in Florida this month to brainstorm with researchers how to cope with the extensive bee losses. Investigators are exploring a range of theories, including viruses, a fungus and poor bee nutrition.

They are also studying a group of pesticides that were banned in some European countries to see if they are somehow affecting bees’ innate ability to find their way back home.

It could just be that the bees are stressed out. Bees are being raised to survive a shorter offseason, to be ready to pollinate once the almond bloom begins in February. That has most likely lowered their immunity to viruses. [Emphasis added]

Stressed out bees! Woe is the modern condition! If you read the rest of the article, you'll see that beekeepers are also stressing their colonies out by driving them around the country in search of the best jobs, feeding them protein supplements (bee steroids!) and exerting the downward pressure of a rapidly consolidating bee industry (bee downsizing!).

Apparently, just as modernity exerts pressure on human organizations, so too are the complex social networks of beedom on the verge of collapse. If only Foucault had survived to write about this. Nonetheless, Beekeepers: tighten your shit up.

Moreover, considering the fact that every third bite of food we eat is dependent on bees, this article also exposes the absurdity of veganism. Vegans, you lose, you cannot live independant of animal labor, hence, you too must tighten up your (soy based) shit.

26 February 2007

Al Gore Needs to Tighten...

Just read the DrudgeReport for today and found out that Al Gore's house in Tennessee uses 20x the avg household consumption of electricity. I'm sure this information coming out the day after Gore's darling, "An Inconvenient Truth", won an Oscar, has nothing to do with politics at all.

25 February 2007

Lack of Tightness Leads to Nudity. Maybe.

When I was little, I entertained the idea of being a creative writer. You know, the make-it-up-as-you-go kind of stuff that takes lots of imagination and the ability to invent plot curves with a decent threshold of believablity. Over the years, I have come to terms with the fact that I don't have what it takes (intuition? innate understanding of the human...something? a taste for gin?) to look at Situation X and come up with Events A, B, and C that led to Situation X. Example: This sassy pink thong that I came upon while walking to school through the side entrance off West 114th Street.

"What the blazes??" = uncreative interpretation of Situation X. See?

Luckily, like any good contributor to The Report, I can put two and two together. DC glove dropper! We're on to you and your weird, seasonal East Coast hitchhiking strip tease. Granted, shedding layers of clothing for rides up I-95 is a pretty unique response to the unreasonable cost of train rides. And everyone likes a good "lost my bra in Jersey" story. But why you're not in Miami right now is beyond my grasp of things. Also...a little dangerous, no? Very C-list slasher flick. And also a little weird. I mean, this is a private school, after all! There is here an obvious need for major tightening. Belt buckles, boot straps, garter belts, whatever!! Just tighten that shit up.

23 February 2007

Elizabeth Glover needs to Tighten Up

My sister, Elizabeth Glover, owner of the succesful yoga studio, Bikram Yoga Capitol Hill and resident whip cracker at the Corporate Executive Board, showed up to a cocktail party last night with her bright red nail polish half chipped and bitten off. I don't mean just a little either, she looked like a coke whore. Judge for yourself.

Elizabeth Glover, you know better. Tighten Up.

Good-bye, My Ski Lift

On his continuous climb to the top of Creepy Mountain, watery-eyed crooner James Blunt has found the perfect sponsors. Oi! Switzerland! Remember neutrality? Listen: you need to tighten that shit up and quick, before The Report finds itself reading about the John Mayer Ski Lift or the Panic! At the Disco Ski Lift or something. Merci/Danke/Grazie from all of us for your continued cooperation in this affair of international import.
(AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

The 275th birthday of President George Washington was commemorated by President George not-Washington in a speech at Mount Vernon on Monday. While keeping a straight face, #43 likened the global war on terrorism to #1's war on the British Empire:

Today, we're fighting a new war to defend our liberty and our people and our way of life. And as we work to advance the cause of freedom around the world, we remember that the father of our country believed that the freedoms we secured in our revolution were not meant for Americans alone.
(In addition to having the same first name, #43 and #1 apparently both like freedom. )

Further conflating the two, Bush said:

On the field of battle, Washington's forces were facing a mighty empire, and the odds against them were overwhelming. The ragged Continental Army lost more battles than it won, suffered waves of desertions, and stood on the brink of disaster many times.
(Wait...are we supposed to be the Patriots or the British in that analogy?)

Tighten up, Bush. As a history major at Yale, you should have learned that Washington's two signature accomplishments in foreign policy were the Jay Treaty and the Proclamation of Neutrality.

The first was a compromise with Britain--an openly hostile enemy--to avert another war. The second quelled a rush to war with Britain that was advocated by Jefferson and his rival Republican Party, which supported the French Revolution's struggle for liberty and against Britain's desire to reinstate France's monarchy. That proclamation was the cornerstone of American isolationism that endured for more than a century.

Regardless of the merits of preemptive warfare and U.S. isolationism, you need to tighten up your analogies, Bush, and stop playing dress up.

(And as long as we're making lofty historical analogies here, the King of England suspended habeas corpus, overruled laws, and condoned torture. His name was also George.)

10 bucks says they're all from Orange County, California

One consequence of my not having cable TV is getting all reacquainted with late-night talk show high jinks. Conan O'Brien - funny! Carson Daly - still there! And Jay Leno is still doing that Jay Walking bit where randomly selected pedestrians fail to name the capital of Germany or recognize pictures of Condoleeza Rice. This is a spectacular way for me to feel superior to others while sitting in my not-unmessy living room, watching TV with a jar of Peanut Butter & Co White Chocolate Wonderful. "Ha ha! You sad waste of sorority membership fees! "Old Hickory" was a president, sweetie, not a clock! Ha ha!"

Less funny (though by no means a blow to my superiority complex) is knowing that those people, when bunched together into a quantifiable demographic, equal
this. If this ACNielsen poll is to be believed, many many American internet users have never. Heard. Of. Global. Warming. Not "don't accept the overwhelmingly convincing evidence of". Not "too busy watching FOX News to really worry about". No! Never heard of! That is some serious shit that needs immediate tightening!

I call for a federal intervention whereby suspected concentrations of obliviousness are immediately papered with those photos of polar bears stuck on fucking floating BITS OF ICECAP. No no, wait, better: replace polar bear with baby bear Bush and let him float along until he gets to Kyoto or someplace with SYMBOLISM. Not that he'll get it.

Israeli Defense Minister:

Tighten your shit up!

LONDON - Embattled Israeli Defense Minister Amir Peretz faced fresh criticism Friday after newspapers published photos of him trying to watch military maneuvers with the lens cap still on his binoculars.

Peretz was inspecting Israeli troops in the Golan Heights, near the Syria border, along with the Israeli army's chief of staff, Lt. Gen. Gabi Ashkenazi, the British Broadcasting Corp. reported.

The photographer said Peretz gazed through the capped binoculars three times, nodding as Ashkenazi explained what he was looking at, the British Broadcasting Corp. said.

Playing dress up is for kids

When I was a lad, I used to like to put on my Superman pajamas, run around the house and pretend to fly, see through walls, fuck Lex Luthor up, and so on. I have it on good authority (read: my mom) that it was adorable. At the bare minimum, it was socially acceptable. And do you know why? Because I was six goddamn years old and not the leader of the free world!

George W. Bush, on the other hand, is the leader of the free world, at least by a technicality. And while he should be satisfied with this title and its accoutrements, since there are few left in the world who would entrust to the president's care his or her pet hampster, the younger Bush clearly strives for more, alternately by imagining himself the heir to any number of his more esteemed predecessors and by playing dress up. The most infamous example is of course the time he pretended he was a fighter pilot, complete with helicopter depositing him on an aircraft carrier and cock-of-the-walk strutting and preening. With all the ridicule heaped upon Bush, you might think that he would put his dress up days behind him. However . . .

. . . you would be wrong. The President has decided now that he'd like to pretend to be a scientist, and has been indulged with a white lab coat with his name embroidered on it, four lab assistants (one of whom is Horatio Sanz's father), three jars of beef jerky for experimentation purposes (and snacking!), and, of course, a toy car that the president can play with and make "vrooooom" sounds with his mouth.

Telling the president to tighten his shit up is like telling the sun to revolve around the Earth. So instead I will implore Republicans everywhere to tighten it up. Before you mock John Kerry windsurfing or wearing a space suit, or Michael Dukakis in a tank, please get your own party's house in order.

Valet Assholes: Tighten up!

Alright valet assholes, as much as you like to keep "socialite" assholes waiting, last night was too much. My sisters and I were at Washington Life's "The Young and the Guest List" party and the WHOLE party waited in the lobby for 20 minutes waiting to get our cars. No fucking cars came. Here's a little math for you people: Waiting for 20 Minutes+Dumb Blond Bitches Too Close to Me+Me in 3" Heels+Gale Force Winds=Becca goes into Action Glover Mode. And guess what, I go outside and the fucking car is parked right in front of the building.


.... And NO, I'm not tipping you. Jerkface.

Tight, for shure.

I think, in order to be responsible contributors to The Tighten Up Report, it is our duty not only to call out those who are slack and loose, but also to commend those who resonate like a finely tuned timpani, and continue to be sufficiently tight.

Today I would like to give such a nod to Shure Incorporated. A little over a year ago, I purchased a pair of their E2c Sound Isolating Earphones, which you'll notice are not cheap. Luckily, my sister had given me a $100 BestBuy gift card for Christmas. I paid a little over $4 for tax. Yessss.

Starting a few weeks ago, I noticed a problem -- you know, that crackling thing that almost all headphones do eventually if you use 'em enough. No worries! Shure has a 2 year warranty on all their products. But wait! I couldn't find my receipt from a year ago, oh no!

So here is where Shure shines. They don't care. They stamp each pair with either a 3- or 4-digit number to indicate the day or week and year each pair is produced so they can roughly judge how old they are. My pair, for example, had the number "395" stamped on it, which means it was made in the 39th week of 2005. That's within the 2 year window. (Btw, I found this out by a little searching and then I called Shure just to be, umm, sure.) Following the instructions on their website, I filled out the "repair correspondence form" and sent it in. In a few days I will have my fixed 'phones.

And it gets better. A friend of mine had the same problem and sent in his E2c's. They fixed them, sent 'em back, and within a few weeks, he had the same problem. Shure felt so bad about this that they scrapped the old pair and sent him a brand new pair of E3c's -- a $100 markup -- which he reports sound even more amazing than the first pair.

Good job, Shure. Thank you providing the level of customer service we all deserve and love. I guess the only sad part is how surprised I am to personally have, and hear about, companies treating their patrons so fairly. I wish more companies were so tight.

Garbage for sale.

This guy is selling NYC garbage. He selects the garbage from the street and packages it in clear plastic cubes. I suppose the effect approaches art, but I'm not so sure.

I think it's a brilliant business idea, and his website is great. But anybody willing to pay good money for this garbage has some shit in serious need of tightening. ...I'll grant that the justaposition of garbage objects might qualify as pastiche--so maybe there's some value added--but all the same it's value added to trash and a plastic box.

22 February 2007

Architectural Banality at UVa: More brick and white columns, please.

The University of Virginia just broke ground on its new South Lawn Project, an expansion campaign that will be its largest in the last 100 years since Stanford White's construction of Old Cabel Hall, Cocke & Rouss Halls. Too bad it sucks.

I was deeply saddened to learn that Jim Polshek--the architect originally selected for the project-- felt he needed to walk away from the proceedings a few months ago; I think he is one of the brightest lights working in the field of architecture today. Because of his abilities, I think he was much better suited to getting the job done...

This project is a colossal and unprecedented opportunity to not only expand the spatial and operational capacity of UVa, but to make a statement about different architectures--born of different times and operating under differing theories but fundamentally committed to the idea that a built environment can dramatically influence and contribute to the experience of those who navigate it--and how they can work together to improve both the aesthetic and the community that aesthetic serves. Jefferson's lawn was one of the first great laboratories that explored these ideas.

People--sometimes those who like to call themselves preservationists or who espouse a preservation ethos--throw around the term "appropriate" when describing how a new addition on grounds should relate to Thomas Jefferson's original plan. Frequently in the preservation world, however, people mistake appropriateness for the lowest common denominator of design--for that set of materials, symmetry, solids and voids, and massing that draws on existing built fabric in the most apish of ways to yield a product of such extraordinary mediocrity, blandness, and banality as to not only squander the aesthetic opportunity furnished by the project, but also to dilute the brilliance of the original work that it so self-consciously sought to respect. That, friends, is not appropriateness--that laughs in the face of appropriateness. That act is a desecration of appropriateness. Appropriateness--and this is why Jim Polshek was such a wonderful choice to begin with--especially when dealing with a vision of the magnitude and significance of Jefferson's--is taking a chance at making an honest, beautiful, bold thing that honors the spirit of the old thing. The new thing should be a witness (in the theological sense) to the vision that helped make UVa great. And what we get instead is an ill-advised design too timid to treat with any seriousness or originality the essence of Jefferson's ideas which are now imbued with the lessons of 190 years of education, politics, culture and all that other stuff we're supposed to study in these awesome new buildings.

University of Virginia, tighten your shit up.

21 February 2007

20 February 2007

Glove wearers of D.C.

On my way to work this morning, I found atop the ice and snow not one, but two gloves, each of a different variety (hard as it is to tell given the poor image quality of my camera phone). I was beside myself; we are experiencing what must now qualify as an epidemic of errant gloves, hats, even scarves and jackets strewn about the streets of our nation's capital. How does this happen? It's 15 degrees outside most days - if a glove fell off one of my hands, I think I'd notice, on account of the frostbite.

What is most confounding about this scene is that once somebody lost a glove, some other person walked past the glove, surely noticed it, and then lost their glove. How is that even possible?

While these questions appear unanswerable, one thing is for certain: D.C. glove wearers, you need to tighten your shit up. Way up.

Children's Book Author Needs to Tighten Up

Is this for real? Seriously? Do people think that when you put the word "Scrotum" in a children's picture book, that the children's book reading public will applaud your ability to push the boundaries? I mean look, I am all for demystifying sex for children, but let's be real here. The country is still a little "Red" now, and there is no way that teachers/parents/librarians are going to support a book that talks about scrotum regardless of the importance of said scrotum because above all else, it's uncomfortable for the teachers/parents.

Let's just all think about our 2nd grade teacher for a second. Mine was Mrs. Pearson, and she was a craggy old child hater. I cannot for the life of me, envision the word "Scrotum" oozing from her be-mustached mouth.

Do you, kind reader, want to read a book to a child and have that child utter the blood chilling phrase, "What's a scrotum?" Didn't think so. Save the awkwardness for the Teenage Wasteland years.
Children's Book Author Susan Patron: Tighten Up.

Howard the Dick

The day after Sen. Barack Obama announced his candidacy for president, Australian Platypus-in-Chief John Howard railed against Obama and his opposition to the war in Iraq.

"If I were running al Qaeda in Iraq [and not an irrelevant country founded by convicts]," driveled Howard, "I would put a circle around March 2008 and be praying as many times as possible for a victory, not only for Obama but also for the Democrats."

In response, Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs said:

"If Prime Minister Howard truly believes what he says, perhaps his country should find its way to contribute more than just 1,400 troops [most of whom serve in non-combat roles] so some American troops can come home. It's easy to talk tough when it's not your country or your troops making the sacrifices."

Gibbs added, "Mr. Howard needs to tighten up or shut up."

19 February 2007

Jack Bauer Sufficiently Tight; 24 Writers Need Work

For anybody else who dropped their guard and allowed Fox to implant a chip in their brain forcing weekly allegiance at 9pm on Mondays, I pose a question: What ever happened to Jack Bauer's erstwhile love interest, Audrey Raines? At the end of the last season, weren't they committed to victory only to be thwarted by Jack's kidnapping and subsequent term in a Chinese prison? Are we to have forgotten this for the current season? 24 writers, while I generally see high performance, you need to tighten up on this one.

A Tighten-Up within a Tighten-Up: Pepper, tighten your shit up--you're way too into 24.

C'ville Landlord Needs a Shovel

In the city of Charlottesville, it is every property owner's duty to clear off sidewalks in the event of a snow storm; that is, the city will not do it for you. We've had both snow and ice over the past two weeks, and while I would maybe not be so bothered had our walkway been the only strip of concrete left covered, the sidewalk in front of our house is slippery and treacherous, making me and my fellow house/apartment mates look like assholes. Apparently my landlord thinks he does not have to act as a reasonable and prudent human being. Last winter he at least left a shovel around so we could do it in his absence. Not this year.

Mr. Landlord, you need to tighten your shit up.

Anonymous DC Redhead Fails To Tighten Up Her Shit

Look, I know I try to make it seem like being tall is a really important personal achievement that everyone needs to congratulate me for on a daily basis, but it's not always easy and/or fun. For one thing, you know that part in Alice in Wonderland where Alice eats the cake that makes her grow really big? I often feel like I've eaten too much of that cake. Also, because things are constantly in my way, I run into them a lot and look like a victim of mild household violence which is not cute and kind of painful, actually. Then I always have people asking "What haaaappened?!" when they see the bruises.

There are some things about my height, though, that I really hold dear, like the ability to walk quickly without too much effort, which is why I'm so upset that you violated the pedestrian hierarchy this morning. You looked like you were trying so hard with your little arms swinging, but all you managed to get on me was about a foot of pavement and then I had to look at you all the way to Dupont Circle. Oh my, you have some tightening up to do:

I know it must be really upsetting when the towel you use during your home hair-dying experiment gets in the laundry with your khakis, and now they're a color that the folks over at L.L. Bean might enthusiastically call "raspberry". Maybe its what you get for choosing that alarming wine-stained hair color in the first place. But why keep punishing yourself for how badly the dye job ended up by actually putting on the pants?!

I know that style-based decision-making is hard sometimes. Plus, judging by the carrier bags you're swinging, you've recently been a victim of Diesel, a brand which probably should never have crossed the Atlantic - if there's one thing worse than euro-trash-chic, it's an American wearing euro-trash-chic. But you've also got an Anthropologie bag there so I know - I know - you've been near something or someone attractively put-together at some point, but you probably couldn't see it for all that unwashed textured hair falling all over your face! So I think we can agree on what needs to happen here. And speaking of those bags, the reason you're hauling them around like an early-bird shopper at 8 AM is because you've limited yourself to (of all things!) a mini corduroy backpack that my 8th grade memories really miss and would really like to have back. That won't totally make up for distracting me from my podcast, but it's a start and I hope the next time we meet it's under better circumstances and by that I mean better outfits.

Someone get this girl a socket wrench

because she needs to Tighten Up!

And please get that Star of David off her neck . . . we Jews can't be responsible for the downfall of Christ and Britney. That is just too much to bear.



JetBlue needs to seriously tighten up their shit. And quick.

poor communications and reservation systems are to blame for the crisis that led the airline to cancel about 1,000 flights over the past five days

18 February 2007

Welcome to the Tighten Up Report

Hello and welcome to the Tighten Up Report.

This report grew out of a belief in one very basic principle: in the course of our daily lives, we all encounter people who need to tighten their shit up. I'm not talking exclusively about hotshots, politicians, athletes, hipsters, or other notable personages. When we get right down to it, everybody needs to tighten their shit up now and then--and this is the forum to make it known.

To familiarize you with the scope and tone of the Report, here are some examples of people who need tightening up:

1. In his weekly radio address, George Bush said "nukular," again. George Bush, you need to tighten your shit up.

2. I was riding the subway this morning, and some asshole with a too-large backpack clocked an old lady in the face when he turned around to bum rush an open seat. Subway Asshole, you need to tighten your shit up.

3. My buddy Randy never has cash when we go out to bars, so I always spot him. He now owes me $700 in drinks. Randy, tighten your shit up.

4. In the face of rising oil prices and a decline in small-proprietorship agriculture, the automobile industry continues to evade committment to large-scale production of alternative energy-powered vehicles. Automobile Industry, you punks need to tighten your shit up.

5. I've lost my cellphone twice in the last week. I should probably tighten my shit up.

So that's it. Post early and often, and let's whip some suckers into shape.