Matthew: "Now that's what every map should look like."

Shut up, Tex.

Pants on fire would be OK.

Look at those pants. LOOK AT THEM. They are balloons floating around the dark, fiery skies of fashion hell. I refuse to look like an oopma loompa this fall. Parisian designers, tighten up.

Rappahannock Races Cause Nightmares

[guest post furnished by Kristen]

While driving to Charlottesville, the past weekend I decided to take the scenic route through the charming town of Sperryville, VA. I had convinced a friend of mine from CA that a trip to C'ville would be worth her time. So as we meandered down the country roads, we came upon signs that said, "Event Parking Vans and Trailers next entrance".

I quickly pulled in and explained to the California blonde next to me that this would be a quick stop and that the steeplechase scene is quite interesting. I also added that the riders were quite competent and at least attempted to keep their horses out of the clutches of death while navigating the course at high speeds.

The CA girl was handed a program and immediately started mocking the listed names – Augustus Edwards III, James Whitner IV, and Tinker Lyman-- I felt like someone should have added Thurston Howell III as a joke or perhaps one could name a horse after the Hollywood gentleman. Other possible names for the poor horses that have been chosen for a short life as a steeplechase mount may include: Survivor, One Life to Live, Whiplash, ALPO, Kamikaze, MYRYDRISANIDIOT, Animal Abuse, Broken Leg Pending, Bring Out the Curtain, Kill Me Now, or Last Dance.

So we climbed out of the car just in time to watch the Gentleman's Foxhunter Timber which could also be titled, I am a Total Stud, and want to try to break my horse's leg while racing over logs the size of telephone poles on a hilly track in front of a crowd.

The "field" consisted of 3 participants: 1 fat guy in a "scarlet" jacket, which means he is a field master and leads the hunt, and a VA playboy extraordinaire, who has a habit of philandering with barn sluts. The third managed to finish the race and his performance seemed somewhat tight.

It was a cool day and the horses seemed a bit fresh which means that there would certainly be entertainment- I was barely able to watch as the horses ran uncontrollably around the track. They managed to make it almost once around before the "Playboy" was literally bounced off his horse over one of the fences:

score-- Horses 1, "Gentleman" 0.

It quite a feat of athleticism on behalf of the horse- he managed to hurl himself over this rather large fence, over jumping it by at least 2 feet, at which point his total stud of a rider became dislodged and flew through the air- bouncing numerous times as he landed. I could only hope that this fall would cause him to never want to ride again or at least hinder his ability to hook up with grooms. He horse seemed quite happy that he was able to ditch his rider and continued cantering around the course.

The real reason this is being given a TU is for the fat field master on the little chestnut horse. Firstly, the rider is FAT and should not be allowed to hunt, exercise and certainly race horses with his excess weight. Secondly, due to rider error, the cute little horse was nearly killed- just image this: a fat man in a bright red jacket racing around the course. As they are entering the final downhill stretch and last 2 jumps, it is clear that the horse is completely exhausted and running as fast as it can downhill, as it approached the second to last timber jump, one notices that the rider is going to get to the large jump out of stride (also called missing your distance and not finding the spot- which is all up to the rider to gauge) they continue barreling down the hill and the rider makes NO adjustment. I was certain they would be bringing out "the curtain" to euthanize the horse that was about to crash the jump right in front of us. Luckily, the little horse had the athletic ability to make it over the fence, even though his fat rider was leaning up the neck and making no effort to prevent a total disaster. Again, the rider is dislodged in the air- the horse canters away, eyes bulging, nostrils flared, Thelwell style. The rider was injured and frankly I was happy. He attempted to get up, a few spectators ran out to help him, and then the ambulance drove onto the course to his rescue.

Score-- Horses 2: Gentlemen 0

All I could think about on Saturday night, while trying to go to sleep was this little horse racing down the hill, approaching a huge jump and crashing, flipping and breaking his neck- a normal weekend scene for the steeplechase enthusiast.

Tighten up riders--next time the horses may not be so lucky.... not that you care.

Tighten Up!

Omar Little: Tightest TV Character Ever?

If you don't watch The Wire, start.  Start from the beginning.  Every season starts slowly and builds to something big so please don't give up if you don't get into it right away.  It will be worth it.  I really want Michael Kenneth Williams, who plays the show's best character IMO, to get his own show after this - even if it's on FX.  I nominate Omar Little for tightest TV character.  Other nominees include Jack Bauer, MacGyver, Al Bundy and Cordell Walker.  Discuss.

Spoilers in the comments are discouraged.

Our brains are just smaller - it's science!

Which is probably why my head fucking exploded when I read Charlotte Allen's piece in the Washington Post this weekend titled "We Scream, We Swoon. How Dumb Can We Get?"
Not enough sarcasm in the world ... I just wish Charlotte would use her hands to bake pies, mop a floor and do laundry instead of writing tripe like this.

Here's an excerpt ... after which the misogynistic comments can commence:

"The theory that women are the dumber sex -- or at least the sex that gets into more car accidents -- is amply supported by neurological and standardized-testing evidence. Men's and women's brains not only look different, but men's brains are bigger than women's (even adjusting for men's generally bigger body size). The important difference is in the parietal cortex, which is associated with space perception. Visuospatial skills, the capacity to rotate three-dimensional objects in the mind, at which men tend to excel over women, are in turn related to a capacity for abstract thinking and reasoning, the grounding for mathematics, science and philosophy. While the two sexes seem to have the same IQ on average (although even here, at least one recent study gives males a slight edge), there are proportionally more men than women at the extremes of very, very smart and very, very stupid."

More Victoriana

[click to enlarge--it's worth reading]

Tighten up, modern medical science.

There Will Be Airships and Other Tight Things: What We Thought the World Would Look Like

[via clusterflock]

This is magnificent. Just imagine: It's December 1900, you're a lady sitting in her boudoir (!) reading the latest issue of The Ladies Home Journal and you're totally relieved, because you've never really liked Cs, Qs, and Xs anyway and you're very enthused that they're getting axed by the righteous weapon of 20th century modernity. You sit back and dream of eating a beet-sized pea and you're all, "The future is going to rock"....except you'd say it more ladylike. 'Cause you're a lady.

(Also, note author's last name.)

A Monday-morning reminder:

Clean that screen.

Turtle vs. Rabbit

Right now my nephew is flying around the backyard in his Mustang Power wheels. I'm glad that my childhood recollection has held up -- the little death cart still comes in three speeds:

Reverse, turtle, rabbit.

And I'm still livid.

Fischer-Price, what kid EVER has that thing set on turtle? I mean come on, aside for like the half second it takes to shift through the turtle from reverse to rabbit, it is solidly rabbit all the time every time. I'm frankly starting to question whether you guys are still even interested in creating a totally tubular experience for 4-year-olds.

Ok, when you guys get your heads out your asses here's one for free: on the next Ultimate Terrain Traction SUV let's make the speeds

RABBIT

and
FASTER RABBIT