A Wide Stance

By now you have no doubt heard about Idaho Senator Larry Craig's arrest in a Minnesota airport men's room for soliciting sex. My favorite part of this story so far is the Senator's excuse that, contrary to tapping his foot against the man in the next stall's foot to initiate a sexual encounter, he inadvertantly brushed his oxfords up against his neighbor's due to the fact "that he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom."

Props to Slate for demonstrating the utter ridiculouslness of this defense in this video re-enactment.



While being interviewed in the Airport police station, Craig handed the arresting officer his US. Senate business card and asked, "What do yout think about that?"

Here's what I think about that: you're a douchebag, Senator Craig, and you should resign from office and seek the help you need to tighten up and come to grips with who you are.

"Big Girls Don't Cry" is a TERRIBLE song.

Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" is a terrible, terrible song. The lyrics are terrible, psuedo kiddie porn shit. She can't sing, and when she tries that hard, it's uncomfortable to listen to. I can't imagine why anyone would want to actually hear that song, but some of you do. All you people (John Hamilton, I know you are in this group) need to tighten up and realize how shockingly offensive "Big Girls Don't Cry" is. Let's put this pony out to pasture. It's time.

PS I added this picture because it shows how gross she is.

If I only had a map. Or a brain. Or such as U.S. Americans.

I'm going to reconsider my position on not watching beauty pageants because, while this may be one of the scariest displays of stereotypical bombshell ditziness and ignorance I've ever seen, it's also one of the funniest. Especially given how hard Mario Lopez is simultaneously trying not to laugh and trying to look sincere so he can maybe get into Miss Teen South Carolina's "Mrtyle Beach" later.

[Only 1/5 of Americans can find the U.S. on a world map?!? Can that really be possible?!?]

LA actually not that bad

Ok, I ripped this off of LAist. But, you know, fuck it.

To forgive is tight

Seeing gorilla and shark high fiving in Mandy's post below recalled an earlier encounter between these great beasts not nearly as amicable:



Glad to see they have patched things up.

(full video here)

Never has the FCC...

...been this tight.

Say thank-you: If a kid can do it, so can you.

I live near a donut shop called Spudnuts. To those of you who haven't experienced the heaven that is this potato-bread based confection, let me clear up any confusion right now: these donuts are amazing. Light and fluffy, balanced with just the right amount of dense chewiness. The glazed variety have a thin veneer of sugary crispness, and they're made fresh every day.

I walk by nearly every morning, my heart leaping out of my chest to have just one delicious bite, but for some reason, I always convince myself not to go. This morning, however, I decided I'd go crazy and buy some for my office.

I brought them in and everyone pounced appropriately. "Mmms" and "thank-yous" coated the work-day start with almost as much sweetness as the spudnuts themselves. All were content and happy, but one person still hadn't arrived, and one donut waited for him.

This coworker finally arrived, and as he was making his way out the side door to grab something for breakfast as he usually does, I stopped him:

"[Coworker]," I said, "there's a donut there for you."
"What kind is it?" he said.
"A glazed one from Spudnuts."
"Oh, umm, I can't just have only a glazed donut in my stomach in the morning. I have to go eat some protein or something first."

And thus he left to go buy breakfast.

Okay, valid point: we all know how the donut sugar-rush can crash even the best of us, but puh-lease. I realize tone doesn't come across so well in the printed word, but not only did he not thank me for the gesture, he rejected the offer condescendingly. As if he was appalled that anyone would consider having a donut with their coffee. And, uh, why did you ask what kind it was when you wouldn't have even eaten a donut in the first place??

To the rest of my office, thanks for being gracious. I would buy you more donuts in the future, without hesitation. To unnamed coworker, tighten-up, asshole. Learn to just say "thanks" when offered something, even if you don't want it.

Comcast...where to start really?

Kafkaësque is the only way to describe the nightmare that is Comcast cable. In the past week I spent more than 12 hours waiting on the front porch for Comcast to show up to do a basic cable installation. A summary of Comcast's activity, August 17th-August 24th, 2007.

Friday, August 17, 2007: 3-6pm window, Comcast a no-show
Monday, August 20, 2007: 3-6pm window, Comcast comes at 7:15
Wednesday, August 22, 2007: 9am-12pm window, Comcast comes at 3:20pm
Current Comcast channels, internet routers, telephone lines installed: 0 (zero)

Why, you might ask? Because the Comcast guy, "Just don't got the equipment to do da job." Twice he just don't got the equipment. Twice. Well fucker, you install cable for a living. Get the fucking equipment. And next time maybe, just maybe, instead of making me wait on the front porch all day, how about you call 30 minutes ahead of time and say, "Yo Pigdicker, get back to the house so I can do your install." It won't just save me time, it will save your supervisor, and your supervisor's supervisor time. Asshole.

Let's hope that fourth time's the charm tomorrow Comcast guy.

Comcast, tighten your shit up. Oh, and should anyone be so inclined, Comcast's Manager of Government Affairs, Richard Smotkin, may be reached at:

Mr. Richard L. Smotkin
Comcast Cable
1500 Market St.
Philadelphia, PA 19102
(215) 320-8461 phone
(215) 981-8408 fax

Tight? Indeed.

A gorilla. High-fiving a shark. In front of an explosion. Sufficiently tight.

Where's Global Warming When You Need It?

Some of you may have heard that yesterday tied the NYC record for the coldest day in August, EVER. Now, I don't mind this, in fact, I love it. Fall in New York is simply the best time and place to be anywhere period. As the weather cools, so many quintessential New York activities begin. Octoberfest and Christmas carols at Zum Schneiders; ice skating in the Park; the fireplace at Rolf's; Halloween in the East Village; the shop windows on 5th; the fall fashion everywhere. It's great. The tighten here needs to be levied against the weather Gods for teasing us so. It's going to be in the 90's by the weekend, totally erasing the memory of the dark khakis, pencil striped shirt, deep blue tie, and grey sweater vest I was rocking yesterday. I miss it already.