Disconcerting news story of the day

WSJ:

Boeing Dreamliner Again Delayed

Boeing again delayed the 787 Dreamliner's initial test flight, because of structural weakness where the wings join the plane's body.

As far as structural weaknesses go... that's definitely one of the bad ones.

Get Back Pirate or I'll Blast Yar!

Ah, the Heritage Foundation, a think tank where conservatives can pursue scholarly solutions to the USA's most dire problems.

Solutions like fighting pirates with lasers.



November 25, 2008
Pentagon Should Battle Pirates and Terrorists with Laser Technology
by James Jay Carafano, Ph.D.


Directed Energy Weapons, particularly those powered by lasers, have long been the stuff of science fiction. Due to recent innovations in commercial solid-state lasers and their adaptation to military uses, potential and immediate national security applications for these weapons are apparent.

The Pentagon, however, has been agonizingly slow in fielding operational prototypes. This must change. There are real-world missions for which laser weapons are needed right now. Additionally, fielding prototypes is essential for developing the appropriate tactics, techniques, and procedures for employing these new capabilities. Unless the military gets these new technologies in the field, it is doubtful the full potential of such weapons will ever be realized. Additionally, further delays make it unlikely that a constituency will develop within the military to strongly advocate for developing and fielding directed energy weapons.

I'm not going to say it would make the best movie ever ... I'm just saying whoever writes that script first is going to make HUNDREDS of dollars.

Fox News' blooper reel grows

During a commercial break from the season finale of 24, Fox 5 News anchor Brian Bolter delivered this little gem; we're glad to know they're so modest, Brian.

Venerable designer loses marbles.

never.

Your Misery is Not Good Company.

An open letter to the cranky middle-aged weirdo in the office.

Dear CMAW,

I'm sorry you hate your job, your wife, your kids and (from listening to you bitching day in and day out) pretty much everything except fantasy baseball.
We work in a tiny office space so my headphones will not drown out your random yelling outbursts at the aforementioned job, wife, kids etc...
Your misery is now my misery.

Oh wait - actually I'm not sorry.

I need you to please become medicated, quit or find something else that will make you not here.

Oh and if I were you I would also consider tightening the fuck up.

xo -
Brenda

Music "insider" revises history of rock and roll.

{Expanding on a tweet from this a.m.}

Last night, moron American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi weighed in on contestant Danny Gokey's rendition of Aerosmith's Dream On, citing that she would've preferred some "early Aerosmith", such as Cryin' or Crazy. Yeah, that early Aerosmith from the 90s, right?

Tighten, DioGuardi: Aerosmith formed in 1970 (the year you were born), and Dream On was released on the band's eponymous first album from 1973.

Secondary tighten goes to Gokey himself for shredding the final notes of the song, ruining the climax. To his credit, it was a noble attempt, but well beyond his range.

{and never you mind that the Tighten Up Report sometimes watches AI}

See the performance here (DioGuardi's comments unfortunately excluded):

Musclebound Hulkamaniac begs for requitement, humiliates self.

I don't care if it's fake, it still fails as a bad joke. To tighten!

Loose elevator maintenance

When I saw this I imagined the super of the office building on the phone with the elevator company and their conversation going something like this...
Super: Hello, yes I need a number 10 button - ours is broken.
Elevator Supplies Depot: Sure ...oh, wait ... we only have 1's ans 0's ... no 10.
Super: No 10? Are you sure?
Elevator Supplies Depot: Yep.
Super: Ok ... I guess a 1 will do ... less confusing then 0 - you have a square button right?
Elevator Supplies Depot: ....

Swine Flu Reporting: a study in untightness

I could go on and on about how untight cable news is 96 percent of the time. But this morning MSNBC won the award for the day.
In the middle of reporting the first death in the United States from the dreaded pig pox* - the anchor stops and says:
"Wait we are now getting an update, the child that died was actually Mexican."

Oh, ok - crisis averted.

* hand hits forehead *

Can't.





(*Miss Piggy does not have the swine flu ... pig pox or any sort of farm animal virus because she is a puppet)

Loose Planning.

The biggest con ever pulled on the American public

Ok Texas Instruments, I'm calling you out! I speak on behalf of upper level math students everywhere when I say your evil graphing calculator empire must come to an end. Nerd cash is much better spent on massively multiplayer online games and weird Japanese tentacle porn.

Jesus Christ, the TI-83+graphing calculator has been over $90 bucks for like over a fucking DECADE. It's technology from 1985. No sound, no color, no 3D modeling, no Wifi, no bluetooth, no IR send/receive. The screen's resolution is no higher than a freaking Etch-a-sketch. Considering Moore's law, this piece of shit should cost about $5. TI you need to Tighten.

Boston Bruin Delivers Epic Tighten

UNTight Furlough ...

How do you know times are tough? Your online alias gets furloughed .... * sniff*

Gal reporter Brenda Starr faces downsizing
—Colleen Mastony
March 26, 2009
The newspaper business is tough all over. Things are so bad that even comic strip heroine Brenda Starr—that feisty gal reporter—will be put on furlough this week.

In a strip that runs Saturday, Starr's cigar-chomping boss, B. Babbitt Bottomline, calls Starr into his office and declares, "I can't afford to pay you anymore." The budget cuts inside Starr's fictional newsroom reflect the bottom line at real-life newspapers, which are slashing staffs and freezing salaries in the face of steep declines in advertising and circulation.

"As far-fetched as some of the plots in Brenda are, I do like to keep it topical," said Mary Schmich, the Chicago Tribune columnist who writes the Starr strip. Starr's life, Schmich noted, "is a fantasy with nuggets of reality tossed in. But even fantasies need some grounding in reality, and right now, economic crisis is the reality that colors everything else at pretty much every newspaper."

What's next for our ink-stained heroine? Schmich hints that upcoming scenes will take place far from the newsroom. Stay tuned.

That's right Obama! Tighten the F up!

Shit, even old ass Senators know that it's time to tell President Cool to TU. Respec.

Stick to Puns that are Funny NYP

Now I know that everyone on cable TV and beyond has felt the need to weigh in on the New York Post and their cartoon about Travis the dead Old Navy performance chimp and the stimulus - and sadly, I am no different.
Here's why - how has NO ONE pointed out that it's the most disingenuous argument EVER that NYP editors had no idea that it would be taken as a blatantly racist (uh, cause in my opinion ... it was)? These people are professional PUN writers! The double entendre maestros who brought us "Ike Beats Tina to Death" when Ike Turner died!

I mean - come on - you needed to generate some buzz ... whatever ... the newspaper business is really tough these days ... I get it...but at least fess up rather than issue lame untight apology for a lame untight cartoon.

Nice Try, Microsoft

"Microsoft Plans Stores, Hires Dreamworks Exec"

I can't decide what's funner: this story, or Cuba Gooding, Jr.'s attempts to salvage his acting career. Either way, hilarity will ensue.

Awful Ads

You know what I don't want to see while I'm watching the Tour of California on Versus TV? This...


Tighten up your advertisers Versus. I know your average American philistine has no interest in continental sports like cycling, but please don't force this crap on us. If I see a penis pump ad during the Tour de France, I will find your ad director and... write a strongly worded email.

Speaking of Darwin Award winners…

A surely way-too-much-time-and-money-on-her-hands Connecticut woman is clinging to life after her 200-pound pet chimp “inexplicably went bananas” (Love you, NY Post! LOVE you!) and mauled the bejesus out of her.

Best part of the story? (surprisingly, it's NOT the fact that the chimp is a former TV star! How fucking awesome is that!?!):

“Colleen McCann, a primatologist at the Bronx Zoo, said chimps are unpredictable and dangerous even after living among humans for years.”

Wow, thank you Captain Obvious! You’ve saved the day yet again!

But here’s my question for Wonder Waspy Wife:

You bought a chimpanzee. The chimpanzee grew. The chimpanzee got sick. The chimpanzee chewed your face off and then masturbated on it.

I’m sorry which part of the contract did you not understand?

Write back soo- Oh, er, sorry. Uh, communicate telepathically at your earliest possible convenience.

Yours, Dick Whitman

Reason No. 394 to just get a fucking El Camino already

Today I had the pleasure of taking my motor vehicle to the emissions and safety inspection station in Ye Ole’ District of Columbia. And I have to say; you have truly outsmarted me THIS TIME, District! Because, last time I checked, I would have to own a vehicle older than time itself to actually possess one that could pose a danger of any kind to the environment (and a special shout out to Republicans and the Michigan Congressional delegation for ensuring that emissions standards will remain ludicrously low for another generation! You guys ROCK!)

Yet, despite the fact my car is less than one year old, I had to have it “inspected” before being allowed to have it registered…. As does everyone else who doesn’t purchase a new car or a certified used car from a licensed dealer in the District.

The DMV does not keep statistics on how many cars are inspected on a daily, monthly or yearly basis (I’m personally blaming the precedent set by the Obama Administration for this blatant denial of the public’s right to know), but a good two-dozen cars went through during the half-hour that I was there, so I think it’s safe to assume that it’s a shit ton. But for some real insight, let’s go to the math board, shall we?

The population of the United States is approximately 304,000,000. There are some 10 million cars on the road that are more than 15 years old. For all you non-math majors, that amounts to 3.2 percent of all the cars on the road.

The population of the District of Columbia is approximately 582,000… Meaning that somewhere in the neighborhood of 19,000 cars in the District NEED to be inspected for POSSIBLE emissions violations.

Yet D.C. inspects… almost… every… single… car…

Why? Well because they charge $35 a pop, that’s why. And aside from the cash cow, they probably keep another hundred or so friends of D.C.’s highest and mightiest rather cushily employed.

Score on the local political racket meter? 9.2.

“Oh, but Dick! What about all the important tests they perform to ensure that your turn signals, brake lights and wipers function properly?”

Coupla things:

Nobody uses their fucking turn signals and you fucking know that.

If your wipers don’t work, Lord Darwin has a shiny trophy awaiting you at St. Peter’s Gate.

And brake lights? Ok you may have a point here. Because, let’s be honest, if the police can’t pull people over for having broken taillights, how ELSE are we going to find all the Mexicans? I’m with you on that one.

But I’m still very, very, very anti-vehicle inspection. Even though they forgot to charge me or ask for my emissions report at the DMV when they gave me my plates.

D.C. FAIL. D.C. residents FAIL. Dick WIN.

Yours, Dick Whitman

Vermont Teddy Bears Get You Laid

HEY GUYS!

Worried that you STILL don't have the perfect gift for your lady for that all important holiday of all holidays Valentine's Day?
Want a gift that says "I know you are a girl - but otherwise I'm lost" ?
Or "I don't really love you but still would like you to have sex with me" ?
Or "You're not smart, but I know you like presents" ?

LOOK NO FURTHER: Vermont Teddy Bears.
Watch their ad that has been on loop on MSNBC - a channel that no women watch because our brains are waaay too small to stuff in all that talky political stuff.
Here's the link - don't miss your chance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Fa41HOJ_iI

Tax evasion and other questionable behavior by public officials

What's with all these public officials and tax evasion?

Also, why was Bill Richardson confident enough to run for president, but suddenly gets cold feet about his ability to be confirmed as secretary of commerce? I smell something fishy going on, and I'm not talking about Governor Richardson's Famous Fish Tacos....

Groundhog Day: meh.

Groundhog Day: ridiculous by all accounts, but we still tune in to Punksy Phil.

The best part is that Gobbler's Knob has their very own Flavor-Flav.

Dear Mom,

I love you. You raised me. You are a divine human being.

But please don't leave me voicemails that are 1 minute and 27 seconds long.

Your loving son,
P

No Locks?

Oh B&B's ... you are quaint.
Roaring fires when you walk in the doors ... hot chocolate in mugs waiting for chilly visitors ... even a friendly cat named Mr. Mittensface - but no LOCKS on the doors?
What is this? A hippie commune?
I mean I can lock myself IN ... but when I leave am I going to come back to Jonah the innkeeper wearing my dress and heels blogging on the TUP?!?

The real Virginia is frightening ... I want to go back to D.C. where paranoia and mistrust of my neighbor is as American as apple pie.

This time I mean it. Tighten Up Your Mouth.

Last year, I posted that I wanted the people in my tiny tiny tiny work space not to talk about babies. I'm amending this now.

I want them to stop talking all together because they have nothing to say.

HEY HEY HEY You ... guy ... you have said that "quip" eight times ... still not funny.
You - girl - you sound like the female equivalent of Animal from The Muppets when you talk. Thank god you do not have a drum set at work.

Notice how EVERYONE IS QUIET?! EVERYONE? You have secretly wanted to be cool and like everyone else your entire life ... Now's your chance!

You - other girl - if your cell phone has more than one ring - it has a vibrate function.
USE IT.

So. Angry. Tighten. Up.

Loose

The monster truck establishment must tighten!

As two recent articles attest, the monster truck establishment is being shaken to its core by a spate of monster truck-related deaths, prompting some to wonder about the future of the psuedo-sport.

On Monday, 19 January, stuff.co.nz reported that
"Flying debris at a monster truck rally in Washington [State] has killed a six-year-old boy who was sitting in the crowded grandstand with his family."

And just this morning, the Wisconsin State Journal reported that George Eisenhart--a promoter of Monster Truck events--was killed after stepping into the path of one of the thundering beasts. "He was pronounced dead two hours later at Univeristy of Wisconsin Hospital of major, "crushing" internal injuries, Coroner John Stanley said." (tighten-within-a-tighten goes to the Coroner for the insensitive use of the term "crushing")

The Monster Truck establishment must tighten its safety regulations and enforcement to prevent any such future accidents. The delicious nomenclature is slipping away from us that allows Gravedigger (see photo, above) to be celebrated with no connotation of morbidity--and when it is gone, so will be our beloved smashtrucks.

=========

UPDATE: The newsreel!

Dear tourists: Thanks for the money. Now GO THE FUCK HOME.

Dear throngs of tourists,

In case you haven’t noticed (or in case you were just among the thousands who missed it through no fault of your own… Bahahaha!), the inauguration of President Barack Obama is over. It was Tuesday, in fact. And today it’s Friday. Yet, incredibly, many of you are here. This is not working out for us.

You see, we actually have work to do. We also had work to do on Monday and Tuesday, but we couldn’t get it done because, well, of you. So it’s now Friday, and it feels like a Wednesday productivity-wise, but the second consecutive Saturday we’ve had to work energy-wise, and yet… you see where I’m going with this.

And now, on this busy day for us, you’re still everywhere. Still completely unsure how to use the world’s easiest public transit system, still unable to get our of your own – let alone our – way, seemingly unable to walk in a straight line anywhere, still taking our tables at restaurants and bars, and still running red lights, turning the wrong way down one way streets and nearly killing us in crosswalks, all while talking on your cell phones and trolling for parking spaces that – if they exist – are ours.

I’m starting to realize why God felt the need to wipe out New Orleans. Hint: it had nothing to do with the locals (watch out Disney!).

AND we were exceedingly nice to you. We did not rob, stab, beat, shoot or rape you. We did not kidnap your children for ransom (in many respects because we kinda felt bad enough for them – seriously, 12 hours in below-freezing weather? I mean, THAT’s kidnapping if not straight up child abuse. Jesus.), intentionally give you wrong directions, or lie to you about how miserable much of your experience was going to be.

And this is how you repay us; by STAYING for a few more days. If we weren’t so sleep deprived we’d probably devise a scheme to have Obama have to be re-inaugurated, too, get you back down there and then just light the Mall on fire. So, for both our sakes, go home please. It’s time. Go back to Applebees, and take your Starter jackets and your Big Ten sweatshirts with you. Let us have our city back. We’d threaten to descend upon yours and return the favor but, let’s face it, there’s no fucking way we’d ever spend ANY time there beyond the three-hour layover we’re forced to take on flights to Vegas.

Yours, Dick Whitman

To all Tighteners Up:

Friends, Tighteners, the time has come. The Report has sat neglected, vacant, unused, and unread for too long. I salute the few who have strung our existence along from month to month, not letting the dream die, not letting crimes against tightness go untightened.

Failblog's meteoric rise has proven that the world is hungry for images and movies of failure, of wiffle balls to the crotch, of spectacular automotive accidents, falls, miscommunications, and hubris. Our narrative shall rise again.

Tighteners, it is time that we tightened by tightening anew. I implore you: take up your qwerty, your cellphone camera and your quip, and let us resurrect the Report.

Yours in Tightness,
The Pepper

Don't know how you DUE, the VOODUE, that you DUE so well...makes me wanna shoop!

GRAMMAR TIGHTEN: The people vs. Mc Donalds

Charged with: Crimes against the English language

Sentenced to: Deep fryer

This sign appeared in every window and every door of McD's Rhode Island NE DC location. "I'm lovin' it!"

ECO FAIL. Hippie Dippy Hybrid Bullshit at Tyson's Corner

During a rare visit to Tyson's Corner Mall this month, I stumbled upon a legitimate reason to hate the favored stomping grounds of DC's bridge and tunnel folk: hybrid parking.

This row of "preferred parking" is aligned and in some cases, closer to the mall than Tyson's handicapped parking spots. This moronic attempt at eco-sensitivity is wrong. So. Wrong.


Let me count the ways...

1) 'Hybrid' and 'efficiency' are not synonymous. While the Lexus RX 400h (hybrid) seats five with 24/27 MPG, non-hybrid five-seaters such as the Ford Focus (24/33), Honda Civic (24/36) and Chevy Cobalt 24/33 all exceed the average MPG of the hybrid Lexus.


2) HOV. Remember the old concept of high-occupancy vehicles? Four shoppers in a Range Rover are actually more efficient per passenger than one person in any hybrid.


3) Discriminatory. Hybrids aren't cheap. The compact Toyota Prius h stickers for around $24,000 - a price well out of reach for the average American with bragging rights to a median individual income of a whopping $26,000/year.


4) Counterproductive. "Hey Tyson's, if you are so concerned about the environment then why prolong the time a 'gas guzzler' drives around your garages in search of parking?"


5) Cut off your nose. Lastly, according to Tyson's signs, should some rebellious non-hybrid vehicle park in their preferred spots, the mall will enforce towing. "Ah yes, nothing will teach those eco-ignorant patrons a lesson in gas conservation like sending Captain Planet's whip of choice: the tow truck (8-11 MPG) to haul your parked pollutant away."


ECO FAIL. Tighten up you ignorant ass clowns.