Elephants are hot...

It's been a long while since I threw a tighten up on anything, so I really wanted to come back strong. Thankfully, one can always look to celebrities for a solid TU. Paris Hilton has decided the best way for her to make a phoenix-esque rise from the ashes of her once meaningless and still meaningless life, is to develop an Angelina Jolie/Madonna-like crush on some plighted being. Rather than starving children, education, or disaster relief, however, Paris has decided to focus her time and attention on the more personally meaningful cause of drunk elephants.

Hilton, who recently did a stint in county lock-up for drunk driving, has stated that "the elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them... It is just so sad."

Oh Irony! Paris is thy name...

Beatdown! Genius!

Page Six of the Post reports that Jon Lovitz beat the crap out of the appropriately-named Andy Dick at the Laugh Factory in L.A.

Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada, who witnessed the assault, said, "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." Lovitz told Page Six, "All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is a [bleep]hole."

Lovitz (understandably) has never forgiven Dick for getting Phil Hartman's wife hooked back on cocaine six months before she killed him and then herself.

I applaud Lovitz for his sense of decency and also for just plain wailing on one of the worst people alive. Perhaps this glory will resuccitate his career, which has gone roughly SNL, the Critic, High School High, Subway commercials. Ouch.