27 November 2007

Dear Safeway:

Your location in Adams Morgan (a.k.a. The Salsa Safeway, a.k.a. The Soviet Safeway) was out of 2% milk tonight. Out. No organic 2%, no soymilk 2%, no acidophilus 2%, no organic acidophilus 2%, no moocowfuckmilk 2%. None. Please tighten up. No milk does a body no good and I hate dry cereal almost as much as I hate being awake before 10 am.

Yours in tightness,
Orville

17 comments:

mandy said...

For serious: If your customers are mostly buying 2%, stock-up, Safeway!

Pete said...
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Pete said...

Not to be a jerk, but couldn't you just buy 1% or whole? I mean does that 1% difference in fat content really matter that much? I buy the non-skim fat level with the furthest expiration date, thus guaranteeing the freshest milk. My supermarket shopping tactics are refined...

Matthew said...

did you try booze?

Orville said...

Pete, skim milk sucks. I'd rather pour water on my cereal than consume skim milk. As for 1% and whole, I am unfortunately that picky. 1% is not nearly fatty enough and whole is almost too tasty to wake up too--it just makes the rest of my day pale in comparison. And at $3 for a half gallon of milk I don't even feel bad about being so picky. Milk, bread, eggs, orange juice and bacon should be stocked in all their common varieties in every supermarket in America. If I can get mango chutney or soy sausage at any Safeway in Washington, I want to be able to get 2% at any Safeway in Washington.

America has solved the 10,000 year-old human problem that is hunger, but only at the production level. Unfotunately, there are still kinks in the supply chain which fail at the distribution level, leaving customers and recipients from the first to the third world waiting for an already produced good to arrive.

So to be a jerk, no. Skim milk, 1% milk, and whole milk won't do. No 2% milk is unacceptable.

J.J. said...

There is no substitute for 2%. Anyone who likes skim is a sociopath.

Pepper said...

Appletree Market was out of everything yesterday too--Milk of all percentages, types and descriptions...except soy.

I purchased a half-gallon of vanilla soy milk, and I have to say, I'm glad I did. It's no lactaid (i.e., malk) when it comes to that real milk flavor, but it's a treat in its own right.

Brenda Starr said...
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Brenda Starr said...

Humans are the only mammals that drink milk after weaning right?
Now that I think of it ... I don't know that Gangster Giant near my house has expiration dates on anything ... let alone dairy products.
Not that I drink milk. Heathens.
Soy drinkers unite!

Pete said...

You TUR posters need to tighten up the reading comprehension...

"I buy the NON-SKIM fat level with the furthest expiration date"

I hate skim as well. My point was between whole and 1% we're not talking about a ton of taste difference, especially when placed in cereal.

Orville said...

Pete,
I am shamed and sorry that I didn't read that correctly and regreat the milk-less, addled screed I launched at you. T-UP duely taken.

Humbled,
Orville

P*,
Did you ever see the bowl of soy milk that veganstraightedgehardcore Bryan left sitting on his desk? It hardened into a green cermaic/epoxy that could not be removed from the bowl. Also, it can't be soymilk because there are no soy teets. It is soy juice. Thank you BrendaStarr for taking that into account with your saying, "Soy drinkers unite!"

Soy drinkers be damned,
Orville

Orville said...

^regret

The Becca said...

Soy milk is revolting. I might as well drink Rat's Milk.

Brenda Starr said...

Cow's milk is pretty gross when you leave it out too ... only it smells like death and perm.


orville, if you are superior because of your ability to process lactose then ... err .uh ... you probably are.

*kicks ground petulantly ...walks away*

Pete said...

I milked a rat one time...

Orville said...

lactose=power

Bodenner said...

i prefer to call it the Unsafeway; it's had a bullet hole in the front window for i don't know how many months.

p.s. you soy lactards should be weeded out of the gene pool. 2% 4 LIFE!!