"On Shallow Sophisticates", Reprise

While I can't prove it, I'm just gonna tap my inner-Colbert and say it's true: Reuters took a hint from The Tighten Up Report, and threw the tale of shallow sophisticates into syndication. Nice work, Pepper!

Pelosi's resolve

The Democratic leadership (an oxymoron of late) is threatening to introduce a House resolution that would attach a "genocide" label to the mass killings of Armenians by the Ottoman Turks during WWI. Under normal circumstances, this seems fine and dandy, since a historical consensus centers on that characterization.

However, at the moment, that move would be a diplomatic disaster. Rightly or wrongly, the Turkish government, a tentative U.S. ally, is vehemently opposed to the resolution. The Turks have already recalled its ambassador from Washington. One of their top generals has warned that Turkey’s military relationship with the U.S. “will never be the same again." And, most ominously, the resolution could dissolve the restraint the Turkish military has in attacking Kurdish separatists in northern Iraq.

Hey, Pelosi: make like your face and tighten up. Bush has already done a fine job of destabilizing the Middle East and alienating moderate Muslims around the world. He doesn't need the help.


The following is an exchange yesterday between Fox News anchor Brit Hume and House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer...

HUME: But why is it a good idea to say it now? ... I mean, do you think it's an urgent issue, something that happened between Turks and Armenians in World War I?

HOYER: Brit, do I think it's an urgent issue? I think the issue of genocide is a very urgent and present issue. It's happening in Darfur now. It happened in Bosnia not too long ago. And the world sat by and watched. ... It is about a historical event that happened that we need to remember to preclude its happening again.


A future scene in western Sudan...

JANJAWEED MILITANT #1: Abdel! Abdel!

JANJAWEED MILITANT #2: One second, Ibrahim, I'm almost done raping this defenseless villager, whose children are burning alive in that hut over there.

JM #1: We must leave, Abdel, right away! The Americans just passed a non-binding resolution condemning the Armenian genocide of 1915!

JM #2: PELOSIIIIII!!!... Come Ibrahim, we must make haste!

Further Evidence of Necessary Corporate Tightening...

Now, I didn't want to have to be the one to follow Jordan's life-altering post on Blockbuster, but I felt my experience this evening upon returning from work warranted a Tightening. I had just ordered some of the dynamite General Tso's Chicken from neighborhood fav Sammy's Noodle House, which I am now consuming, plopped down on the couch with my remote in hand, and cranked up the old idiot box. I started scanning and ended up on the NLCS game, which I am now watching. As I continued to scan through tonight''s offerings, I started to realize that something was not quite right in TV land. Channels whose programming I generally prefer were not where they were supposed to be. I continued scanning getting more and more worried. I was cresting the low 30's, working back from the mid-50's, when panic struck! Nervously fumbling with the remote, I hurriedly jumped to 18, my beloved Discovery Channel, only to find Bravo staring back at me!! I panicked. I continue to scan. The History Channel, SciFi, USA, nothing is where it's supposed to be!?!? In a virtual hyperventilation, I logged on to Time Warner Cable's website to read the following:

Dear Customers:
From time to time, it is necessary for us to shift channel positions in order to accommodate programming agreements. We understand how inconvenient it is when your favorite channel is no longer in its usual spot. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

I'm sure many of you can guess what caused the change. Of all things, it had to be this morning's premier of Fox Business News. The Discovery Channel is now relegated to the MID-60's because of Rupert Fucking Murdoch's need to get his fiscal rocks off!?! My God I want to punch something.

Blockbuster Online

My love-hate relationship with Blockbuster Online is fast developing into a hate-hate relationship. The service lets me catch up on classic movies and old TV shows without the supreme unpleasantness of setting foot inside a Blockbuster store or actually watching TV, all at a reasonable price. For this privilege, I have to endure their horrifically bad website, the occasional scratched-beyond-repair disc, lapses in service, and, worst of all, their policy on sending discs that will reach you in less than three days, even if that disc is not next in your queue. This becomes especially problematic when trying to watch an entire television series. I endured it with the West Wing, and am repeatedly thwarted while watching the Sopranos.

Without getting into too much detail, Blockbuster has not sent me a single Sopranos DVD in four months, forcing me to set foot in their store to get the latest Sopranos disc, which kind of defeats the entire purpose of a DVD-in-the-mail service.

For the past two months we have engaged in a game of low-stakes chicken, where I refuse to set foot in their store, and they refuse to send me a Sopranos DVD. This week I finally snapped and wrote an angry letter to their customer service department. I reprint the e-mail chain below (I think it comes through that I have been down this road before):

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To: Blockbuster Online Customer Care
From: Jordan
Subject: please stop skipping over the sopranos season 2 disc 3

Every time I return a DVD, I receive the #2 or lower item on my queue. I don't want to hear any excuses about why that is. I don't care. Your website says the #1 item in my queue is "Available," yet for the last 8 weeks you have chosen to send other items in my queue.

Again, I repeat, I don't care about your methodology for making sure I receive DVDs in the shortest amount of time. This disc is at the top of my queue for a reason - I want it NEXT. I don't care if it takes a day longer to send item #1 vis a vis item #2. I want to see item #1 next, period. Just send it. I don't even want a response to this message. I just want to see an e-mail that says, "Blockbuster has shipped The Sopranos, Season 2, Disc 3."

Thank you,

Jordan

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To: Jordan
From: Blockbuster Online Customer Service
Subject: RE: please stop skipping over the sopranos season 2 disc 3

Hello Jordan,

Thanks for contacting BLOCKBUSTER Online Customer Care.

I'm sorry to hear we haven't shipped the DVD you've requested, Jordan. This occurred because your requested title was likely not available at a distribution center near you. Because our goal is to ship movies as quickly as possible in order to meet the expectation of 1-2 business days for delivery, the system reviews all "Available" titles in your queue and determines which movies are ready for shipment from your nearest distribution center. If your requests are outside the 2-day shipping window, they will be skipped over for other DVDs further on your list.

Unfortunately, we won't always be able to send your movies in the exact order you specify in your queue. When we are ready to ship your next selection, we consider your queue priorities and our current inventory. Even though some of your selections may get skipped, continue prioritizing your movies in the order you would like for them to be shipped. We do our best to continuously distribute copies among our distribution centers based on demand.

I also recommend keeping 30 to 40 individual "Available" titles within your queue in order to help you take advantage of the service and to ensure a continuous shipment of your movies. Keeping plenty of titles in your queue guarantees that we will always have titles to send you once we receive your viewed movies back.

In the meantime, Jordan, I would like to offer you an additional e-coupon good for a free movie rental from your local store. Please click on the link below to print your coupon:

[link]

I hope I was able to give you the assistance you needed. If there is anything else I can assist you with, please let me know and I would be more than happy to help you.


Always happy to help,

Dona
Customer Care Associate
BLOCKBUSTER Online

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To: Dona, Blockbuster Customer Care Associate
From: Jordan
Subject: RE: please stop skipping over the sopranos season 2 disc 3

Dona, I want to thank you for either not reading my comment, or reading it and then deciding to do the opposite of everything I requested, Dona. Even though filing a complaint with Blockbuster is akin to repeatedly jamming hot pokers in my eyes, I am going to present you with two scenarios, and I would genuinely appreciate if you, in your own words, Dona, would kindly respond by telling me which scenario you personally find preferable, since you, Dona, are a real person and not an automaton mixing and matching 25 different response scripts provided to you by Blockbuster, Inc., or perhaps a 3rd party customer contact outsourcing firm.

Scenario 1:

You are watching the entire Sopranos season and return the Season 2, Disc 2 DVD on August 1. The number one item in your queue is The Sopranos Season 2, Disc 3 DVD. However, you live in Washington DC and the nearest copy of said disc is in Albuquerque, New Mexico. So instead Blockbuster ships you the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. Frustrated, you watch the Ya Ya Sisterhood, return it, and expect to receive Sopranos Season 2, Disc 3. However, the nearest copy is now in Boulder, Colorado, and you instead receive How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Angered, you watch Angela Bassett get that groove back, return the DVD, and again hope to receive what you wanted in the first place. By now, it's September 1 and you have forgotten the Sopranos plot line, and to make matters worse, Blockbuster sends you Chairmen of the Board, starring Courtney Thorne Smith and Carrot Top. This goes on and on for another few months until you are completely blinking furious, contact a Blockbuster Support Center associate, and receive a befuddling and inarticulate reply completely failing to address your concerns.

Scenario 2:

You are watching the entire Sopranos season and return the Season 2, Disc 2 DVD on August 1. Even though the nearest copy of Disc 3 is in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and you are in Washington, DC, Dona, and it may take 4 days to ship said disc, Blockbuster sends the disc to you, and you have it safely in your hands on August 5. Now you are watching Tony, Carmela, Christopher, Junior, Paulie Walnuts, and the whole wacky Sopranos gang lie to, steal from, and kill one another. The end.

Personally, I prefer Scenario 2, Dona. To put this simply, I'd rather wait four days to get my Sopranos DVD than two months. Help me. Please. Dona.

Sincerely yours,
Jordan

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I'll keep you posted on any late breaking developments.

Update: I just received the following e-mail:

Jesus Camp

Hello Jordan, We've shipped Jesus Camp to you. You can expect to receive it on or around Wednesday, October 17, 2007. If after three days you have not received this DVD, use the Report DVD Issues link to let us know. Add more titles to your Queue today. Thanks, Your friends at BLOCKBUSTER Online®

So it's war then, Blockbuster Online?

Seriously, New York Times?

I'd like to draw your attention to the caption beneath the picture above, a screenshot from the front page of nytimes.com. The second of what appear to be representative comments is "Junk science prevails, and the Pope of junk science is rewarded." I have a question for you, New York Times. Out of the 499 comments you had to choose from, why did you pick the one written by an Exxon executive's secretary?

Congratulations to Mr. Gore and the UN Panel.

Nonagenarian Tighteness

I'd just like to point out that my 90-year-old grandfather, Billpop, is totally awesome.

In Rainbows

Today, Radiohead made their newest studio album, In Rainbows, available as a download on their website, for whatever price you wish to pay. This is an impossibly cool idea made more so by the fact that it completely sticks it to the greedy and short-sighted record labels, exposing their utter obsolescence.



This evening after work, I logged on the my computer to purchase the album. Radiohead's site was inaccessible. After dinner I tried again. When I tried to add the album to my shopping cart, I was prompted for a user name and password, which I did not have, and that was the end of that. Just now I tried a third time, and got to the order page again. Sure enough, there was a blank field for me to enter how much, in pounds sterling, I wanted to pay for the album (pounds only??? Don't you know how bad the exchange rate is for Americans, you heartless Brits?).

I entered a sum I considered reasonable (especially since I'm going to buy the album again on CD when it comes out early next year), and hit enter. I received an error message. I tried again. I received a message that "you can only purchase one download." Fair enough. I hit refresh. Again, I offered my price. Another error message. (Bear in mind I am waiting two minutes between each page load). Finally the page comes up again. I enter 0.00 and press "submit."

For some reason, this works. I am aggravated. I try going back in my browser, but of course that doesn't work. I close my browser and start over. For a third time, I enter my price. This time I am placed in a queue. After another eternity, I am taken to the checkout page, where my offered price again shows up as 0.00.

Well, that just tears it. You don't want my money, millionaire rock gods? Fine, you can't have it. I'll take your bloody mp3s for free. Happy?

So now I am downloading my free and legally acquired songs. Radiohead, you want to stick it to the industry, cool. I am 100% behind it. I will even pay for mp3s when what I really want is a CD (so I can burn it to my iPod - don't ask). But for god's sake, tighten up and get your bandwidth issues and site architecture in order. You can buy almost everything in the world online hassle free. Did you have to make things so difficult?

I know technology is supposed to make our lives easier, but I can't help feeling it would have been simpler to walk to a music store, slap $15 on the counter, and walk away with an album in my hands. And with that, I conclude my Andy Rooney-style rant about modern life.

A hate-crime at Columbia?!

Where you at Columbia students??

NYTimes reports a "hangman’s noose was found hanging on the door of a black professor’s office at Columbia University Teachers College" this past Tuesday. I'll spare Pepper et al the TU for not already throwin' this TU, but come on, asshole Columbia students! Y'all need to tighten that shit up now! I'll say it once and I'll say it a billion more times: there is no room for hate-crimes in 2007. Especially after you guys held one of the tightest displays of free speech in the past decade! (Sorry, Becca; I actually thought it pretty tight. Not the invite for Ahmadinejad to come speak so much as the kind of discouse it encourages and the accountability it requires, or at least tries to require, of everyone involved.) Anyway, I'm tired of this crap! Stop the hate, haters.

::gets off soapbox::

6 Year Olds Driving...

I recently came across this story about a 6 year old boy who attempted to drive his grandparent's car. According to the story, he took the keys, moved his safety seat from the back to the drivers seat, and proceeded to back directly into a telephone pole knocking out power to the whole block.

Now I would generally applaud this kind of deviant behavior, but in this case the young whippersnapper's destination was Applebee's. That's right. Eating good in the freakin neighborhood, Applebee's. Piece of advice junior, next time you feel like doing something that not only risks your life, but the life of pretty much everyone in a 100 yard radius of you(the approximate distance someone who can't reach the pedals or see over the dash can make it in a car), pick an objective a little more rewarding than Applebee's. Acceptable destinations would have included but not been limited to Never-Never Land, Disney World, Oz, Santa's Workshop, the Marmalade Forest beneath the Make-Believe Trees, etc...

Tighten-Up.

On the return of Hammerpants

This morning, The Sartorialist posted a photo of a French youth wearing some facsimile of black Hammerpants. Far from deserving a TU, I think this decision (both by the girl and by the Sartorialist) should be lauded. If the carefree whimsy of M.C. Hammer is to be injected anew into our haute coture, tell me how the world is not a better place.