Ein Prosit!

It’s official - fall is upon us!

This seasonal gem which evokes gluttonous feelings of thanksgiving decadence and the idyllic romance associated with autumn colors also denotes one of the greatest and most cohesive folkloric traditions ever – OKTORBERFEST! Jovial inebriated smiles radiate all across the globe as the clinging of steins resonate all throughout the month of October. I, along with thousands of hops enthusiasts throughout the world take part in this festive convention every year and I freakin love it!

This emphatic appreciation however comes with a paramount need to tighten up…You see, I, like many of my non-Bavarian friends take active part in celebrating by singing along, as loudly and as obnoxiously as possible. Now that’s fine. The issue lies in the fact that I (and I suspect most others) have no clue what the actual words are and if I do, I forget them after the 4th sip of my delicious and frosty lagger. So, at the risk of sounding like a party Nazi (please excuse the awful culturally insensitive pun), I would like to motion that from now on out, as a respectful courtesy to our German drinking buddies, we actually learn and remember the lyrics (well at least the simple and most common ones).
Please take the time to memorize the following short and lovely prose and I’ll see you at the Biergarten. Dunkeshein!

“Ein prosit, ein prosit, der gemutlichkeit! Ein prosit, ein prosit, der gemutlichkeit! Oans! Zwor! Drei! Gsuffa!”

In the Interest of Educating the Childrens

A video tighten up, courtesy of one of the tightest individuals in the public eye.

Numbers are our specialty

If there's one thing that finance professionals and computer science professionals have in common, it's that everything in both fields is built on math (or maths - it's not mathematic - as they say in New Zealand but that's another issue). I'm interested in both and because of my interest in finance, I regularly find myself on Yahoo! Finance, in my opinion the best general finance site on the web. I enjoy the polls that are almost always at the bottom right of the front page, mostly because my opinion has been so much more bearish than average over the past couple of years. I feel pretty strongly that not only are we headed for a weak economy for the rest of the year and into 2008, but that a recession has already started. Needless to say my interest was piqued by the following poll:



I selected 'slam dunk' and was shown these results as of about 4:15 pm EST on 9/27. I immediately saw that effectively 49% of the respondents think that a recession is more likely than not and 54% think that the opposite is true. Unless my addition skills are seriously lacking or I have completely forgotten how rounding is done, this is an impossible result. Calculating these percentages couldn't be simpler and this incompetence certainly does not put a good face forward for a website that is essentially about numbers. Tighten this yesterday.

Tightness Commensurate with Transparency

As a graduate student, I read a lot of job postings. Apart from a couple of other choice nuggets of information, salary is one of the most important elements I look for in such a thing. This is why it drives me crazy to read the phrase "Salary commensurate with experience."

No shit? You mean you're not going to pay me $275,000 to manage the private equity arm of your group because the only thing I've ever managed is my checkbook, not to mention I don't even know what private equity means? I have to have a graduate degree or several years' experience to earn a competitive wage?

BAH! Of course salary is commensurate with experience! Either write down a reasonable range or don't bother writing at all. This is a two-way street: I gain valuable information on the person you're seeking to hire by reading qualifications and salary range, and you save yourself the hassle of sifting through a million applications by giving applicants basic information!

Get tight: get forthright.

Dictator told to tighten

As much as I hear the arguments that he shouldn't have been let within 50 miles of the ivory towers, I think it's pretty cool that Bollinger point blank told Ahmadinejad to tighten up. Sadly, in Iran, Bollinger would not have slept comfortably in a 20 million dollar mansion after calling him out.

One of the less (more) clever signs on campus yesterday.

Genius Grants: Keepin' it Tight

What's tighter than a "genius grant"? Awarding it to a great musician. Denver native, Bates graduate and current C'ville resident Corey Harris is a recipient of the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation grant in which he will receive $100,000 over the next 5 years. Two Tight-Nods to the Foundation and for Mr. Harris for always keepin' a wrench at the ready.

Here is a list of all the recipients. Here is Harris' MySpace page. And here is Harris performing "Honeysuckle":

Too Cool for School

Spotted somewhere in central Pennsylvania: a trailer advertising a university-branded line of central air conditioner casings.

If you're crazy enough about your college football team that you feel compelled to express your allegiance through that venerable medium--HVAC equipment--it's time to tighten up.

Sorry Columbia students.... I have to do it

Because it needs to be done.
Columbia University needs to Tighten Up. Way to invite Ahmadinejad to speak at your oh so heavy with Ivy hallowed walls. You've pretty much confirmed for my father that my boyfriend is a wacko leftist weirdo for attending graduate school Columbia. Way to go, assholes.

Now, Columbia, if you're going to do something this stupid, you better man up and be prepared for the firestorm. I can respect you for "robust debate" and I am all for free speech, but you better damn well understand how this makes you look in the eyes of many Americans.

And while you're at it, you could consider a little paint here and there where the students actually have class, not just prettying up the outside all the time so none of the passersby suspect that the historic preservation building is held together with duct tape. It's disgraceful. And I went to a PUBLIC SCHOOL, where a map fell of the wall during class and hit me on the head, so I know a little about class in shitty conditions.

White Bronco Time

1st Clinton Tighten-Up?

How dare you insult the Dark Lord of the Sith...

Dictatorship of the Proletariat evolves into Dictation of the Pro-Palestinian

While at the Adam's Morgan Blockbuster the other night, I noticed that our Foreign Movie section had a disproportionate ratio of Israeli to Bollywood movies (three to one, if memory serves correctly). I asked the cashier as I was checking out if the store could order a copy of Shakti for me to rent and I was promptly directed to the Blockbuster.com web rental service. Then, being the curious Pigdicker that I am, I asked the the clerk if he had seen any of these Israeli-made movies that were on the shelves (I honestly had no idea that Israel had a film industry, let alone movies that would merit taking up shelf space over films from the studios of the most prolific per annum movie industry on earth). His reply: "I don't support anything Israel does, so no."

Goateed, 32 year-old Blockbuster cashier, tighten right the fuck up before you answer me next time. No one gives a shit about your enlightened view of international relations and 'social justice.' You work at Blockbuster. I don't care if you went to Yale, graduated with honors, and sat in on the Oslo Accords, you now work at Blockbuster. Outside the store, "We are all Palestinians" is the new "Free Nelson Mandela;" inside the store, you still work at Blockbuster. Even though the Kaffiyeh is the new Che Guevara t-shirt, you work at Blockbuster.

So next time I'm in the store--whether I rent Paradise Now, Goodbye Lenin, Fahrenheit 9/11, Time of Favor, Super Size Me, Thank you for Smoking, Marmoulak, Indoctrinate U, Le Grand Voyage, Monsieur Ibrahim, Munich or Syriana--just bag my fucking Sour Patch Kids and spare me your arm chair political analysis. Ass hat.

Cuba Gooding Jr. escapes from mediocrity and wanders onto commercial shoot.

Cuba Gooding Jr. has recently appeared in Hanes television commercials as part of a some-star cast of underwear spokespeople. To be clear, Michael Jordan has been Hanes' principal celebrity spokesathlete for as long as I can remember, and I think it's fair to say that he's at least somewhat associated with the brand in the popular conscience.

Why, I now wonder, has Hanes brought on Mr. Gooding Jr. to play second fiddle to Jordan's emeritus star? Is it really worth dragging Michael Jordan, a man who will be remembered as one of the history's finest athletes, through the mud for the sake of some third-rate slapstick? Now I'm a die-hard Hanes undershirt man: their tagless design is pure comfort. But I've got to reconsider my loyalties when a man of such extraordinary mediocrity begins to Bogart my shirts.

Cuba Gooding Jr., unhand Michael Jordan, and my undershirts too.

Pimp My Credit! with the Credit Pimp

I'm pretty sure these ads represents all that is slack and loose with the American economy. At least they are funny as hell. "Pimp My Credit!" I, II and III:







And, because credit debt is the embodiment of freedom, here's the Credit Pimp on Independence Day:

Thank You!!!!

To the Austinite (or ACL attendee) that turned in my camera to the lost and found tent:

THANK YOU!

To yours truly, please stop losing your camera/keys/face everywhere you go.



(Photo: Video board capture, as shot changed from Austin skyline to Arcade Fire crowd)

Naked pictures of dead philosophers

Amazon.com is my favorite place online to shop for books, CDs, etc., and normally they do a great job using your customer information, search and purchase histories to make product suggestions and generate content to your interests. However, I must say that the e-mail I received from them this morning is a bit off the mark:

As someone who has purchased or rated books by Jon Stewart, you might like to know that Kierkegaard and His German Contemporaries: Theology (Kierkegaard Research: Sources Reception and Resources) will be released on September 30, 2007. You can pre-order yours by following the link below.

Kierkegaard and His German Contemporaries: Theology (Kierkegaard Research: Sources Reception and Resources) Jon Stewart Price: $99.95 Release Date: September 30, 2007

Finally, the blockbuster follow-up to America (The Book) we have all been awaiting!

Another Self-Tighten for Pete

Let me describe the setting of the horrific knot above...

I went to a party last night and was rocking the social tie, as I often do. After more than a couple shots, a few ladies and I began a discussion centered on my social tie and why I wear one. I mentioned, "Girls like to pull on it and play with it and it looks cute, thus making me look cute." Said ladies laughed and pulled on my tie. This begot a discussion about knot tying. I then decided to display my superior knot tying skills using one of the ladies' ties. The knot above is the result.

Where to start....
1) Displaying any type of skills at a party, be they knot tying skills, air guitar skills, bo-staff skills, etc..., is simply not tight.
2) Pointing out that I wear a social tie to garner attention from women is very untaught.
3) The knot I managed to squeak out is the least tight pile of crap I've tied since my age reached double digits.
4) Jose Cuervo is totally untaught

PS- acceptable exceptions to 1. are dance skills and karaoke skills

Metro proves that it just doesn't give a shit

I feel the urge to issue a TU to the DC Metro on a near-weekly basis, but I've refrained thus far because, ya know, that would get repetitive. But today's fuck-up was slightly alarming. While commuting home on the Red Line this evening, I noticed a man board my car, deliberately set his heavy backpack on one of the seats, pace back and forth in front of the doors, and then briskly disembark at the very next station. My fellow passengers and I thought this was a bit odd, so one gentleman got up and used the telecom to let the driver know what happened. At the next stop, we all got out of the car, expecting some sort of investigation to ensue. Instead, the doors closed, and the train went on its merry way, leaving the riders of car #5407 standing on the platform with our thumbs up our asses. Now, of course I did my fair share of bitching when this happened. But this evening's incident seemed to warrant some kind of concern from the driver.

So Metro, if you're going to insist on playing those alerts every day enjoining us to point out stray baggage, maybe try to follow up a little?

Dammit Meg White

Dear Meg White,

You are hot. You are a rockstar. Ergo, you are a hot rockstar and prone to lapses of sanity and emotional stability. We all understand this, just as we all understand that "accute anxiety" is code for something much more sad, and you know what, none of us is really in the place to judge you. BUT WHY THE FUCK did you have to catch "accute anxiety" disorder right before my hometown's glorified rock festival, Austin City Limits Fest, the first of many dates you have cancelled. Is it because Jack is now married and happy with a 20 something year old Brasilian modela? For that matter, are the three of you in a love triangle? Are you actually his sister or former wife? De veras, no me importa, Meg. You have deprived me of rocking the FUCK OUT to this guy, who happens to be wearing an admiral/pirate hat, a universal sartorial paragon of tightness. I guess there is an opening now for the stage across Arcade Fire. Pepper, hop on a plane with yer banjo.

Tightness has a new home.

That's right, friends: next time you're three posts to the wind at a party and the only URL you can remember is "tightpantsDOTbrocollispotDOTinterwebz", salvation is at hand:

www.tightenupreport.com

For serious.
Yours in Tightness,
Board of Directors
The Tighten Up Report

Alas, the mind has failed me...

After spending 24 hours trying to come up with a suitable pseudonym with which to post, I must tell myself to tighten it up in the creativity and wit department. Thank goodness a fellow "Tighten Up" buddy - whom I will call "Mr. Genius Man" - had a stroke of, well, genius when he reminded me of the nickname I had to bear throughout my adolescence.

Here's to hoping that I have indeed tightened up my act before attempting to post once more! Oh, and thanks again Mr. Man.

Speaking of mascots,

What numbskull(s) thought up "Earl and Pearl"?!?

I ponder this every time I sip Ovaltine from this pearly-white plastic cup, and then I realized it deserved a new kind of crack-down: The Nostalgic TU. Anthropomorphized male and female squirrels never add up to even the most mediocre idea for a mascot, unless it involves an amazingly funny joke about busting and/or cracking nuts, but even that's a stretch.

To our Third Year Council of yore, a way overdue tighten up! Future Third-Year Councils, please don't disappoint your constituents or you will be fucking stupefied by all the TUs.

I need to learn how to drink....

Those of you who know me are aware that I will not win any "Champion Drinker" awards. Ever since Spring Break 2002, I have been a dedicated yakker and light weight extraordinaire. However, I'm getting to the point in life where I need to do one of two things; either learn how to drink or stop drinking entirely. I came to this realization after downloading my party photos to flickr.

This photo proves my point that after 3 strong drinks I'm ready for the nearest toilet/plastic bag. I would like to add that I didn't actually yakk on friday night. Instead, I did 90 jumping jacks and ate an ice cream sandwich before hitting the hay. Apparently, it helps me make it through the night.

So I need to Tighten Up, and either quit drinking or learn how to hold my liquor.

P.S. Rachel, Erin and Jackie, that was still a great party!

A letter from, and response to, Cavman.

Vote for Cavman in the
All-American Mascot Challenge

Dear Virginia Graduate,

I, Cavman, have been selected as one of 12 finalists in this year's CapitalOne All-American Mascot Challenge and I need your help. Each week throughout the football season, Cavman will compete against a mascot from another school. The winner each week is based solely on fan voting. You will be able to vote daily and you must vote for each mascot match-up for your vote to count. Click below to vote for Cavman vs. Akron's Zippy.

Vote Now

Thank you and Go `Hoos!

Cavman

Copyright © 2007

U.Va. Alumni Association
434-243-9000 | alumni-assoc@virginia.edu
P.O. Box 400314, Charlottesville, VA 22904-4314
____________________________________

Dear Cavman,

No.

Kind Regards,
Board of Directors
The Tighten Up Report

Washington's 50 Most Powerful slighty more than 50% fun

Thank you Washingtonian for calling GQ out on its BS. Apparently, GQ took our advice and hosted the party at Cafe Milano. Unfortunately, Cafe Milano ignored the coolest trend in Harlem and forgot to turn on the AC.

So let's recap:

Washingtonian--tight
GQ--not so tight

Cafe Milano--two months tightness watch

DC's 50 most powerful--only slightly tighter than average.

On air-conditioning the city

Walking South on Amsterdam Avenue/115th Street, New York City, 8:30 pm: Matthew and I walk by the Columbia Law School annex building on the way to drink beer and eat wings. The front door is wide open, and the air conditioner is set to -3,000 degrees Fahrenheit. At 20' away, we are blasted with a refreshing current of air. It's pretty awesome.

Walking North on Amsterdam Avenue/115th Street, 20 wings and an inordinate amount of PBRs later: Matthew and I walk by the Columbia Law School annex building on the way home. The front door is wide open, and the air conditioner is set to -3,000 degrees Fahrenheit. At 20' away, we are blasted with a refreshing current of air. It's pretty awesome. ridiculous how much energy the fat cats at Columbia just wasted in making certain that the passing street rats are comfortable on a humid night.

Hey legal eagles, it doesn't matter how tight your weather stripping is when the fucking front door is open.

Mailbox attack Friday!

Bodenner, your mailbox needs to tighten up.

BOO YA!

TIIIIGHT!!!

Through begging, pleading, and doing some things in Chelsea I'm not proud of, I was able to score a ticket to the Thom Browne off-tent fashion show this year. For all of you less fabulous people, off-tent is a term for an independent show not affiliated with the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week, therefore not in the Bryant Park tent. The show was amazing, but I forgot my camera so the best I can give you is an image I stole from Racked. I particularly liked the plaid shorts combined with suit jackets. It's actually wearable, unlike most of the stuff Browne shows (i.e. mini skirts for men combined with the above short sleeve suit jackets... yikes). As always, Browne's fashion is just a touch too out there for me, but as his inspiration trickles across the rest of the men's clothing market and gets toned down, the results are just right.

Saab driver says, "Curbs need lovin', too."

Walking by they Jefferson-Madison Regional Library yesterday evening, I spotted this genius parking job.
































Man, I hope this jerk-face got a ticket. I mean, it's pretty obvious you should give that parallel job another shot when both of your tires are up on the curb. I know you're in a hurry to get those 12 cassettes of Deathly Hollows, but seriously, calm the f*ck down . . . .

Dear Abunda Life Church,

You also need to calm the fuck down. I first saw you near the beach in Asbury Park, New Jersey because you were next to the closest parking. That you manage to occupy an otherwise handsome and enormous building along an up-and-coming strip of the Jersey Shore is either an indication that property values there are lower than I expect, or, more likely, that you're hauling in more dough than any of us realizes and have not yet been displaced by a legitimate enterprise. Who knows, maybe Asbury Park has zoned this area "Cu-1" for "Cult and related uses" and has provided generous incentives for you to locate there, or maybe you're just perpetrating a ridiculous fraud on the world by construing the word of Robert H. Sorge--complete with boot camp, foot detox bath, and infrared ozone sauna--as anything other than the modern inheritor of the tradition of snake oil salesmen and carnival peddlers.

Abunda Life, you aren't a church, you aren't a healer, and you certainly aren't a military outfit. Your purveyance of psuedoscience-as-religion disgusts me, and the fact that your entryway looks like a ticket booth doesn't help matters. You'd better tighten up soon, or, I'd imagine, the IRS will do it for you.

Want to learn more? There's a website!
http://www.abundalife.com/

And don't miss out on the bootcamp!
http://www.abundalife.com/clinicalservices/bootcamp.asp

Becca,

...calm the fuck down, seriously.