Dictatorship of the Proletariat evolves into Dictation of the Pro-Palestinian

While at the Adam's Morgan Blockbuster the other night, I noticed that our Foreign Movie section had a disproportionate ratio of Israeli to Bollywood movies (three to one, if memory serves correctly). I asked the cashier as I was checking out if the store could order a copy of Shakti for me to rent and I was promptly directed to the Blockbuster.com web rental service. Then, being the curious Pigdicker that I am, I asked the the clerk if he had seen any of these Israeli-made movies that were on the shelves (I honestly had no idea that Israel had a film industry, let alone movies that would merit taking up shelf space over films from the studios of the most prolific per annum movie industry on earth). His reply: "I don't support anything Israel does, so no."

Goateed, 32 year-old Blockbuster cashier, tighten right the fuck up before you answer me next time. No one gives a shit about your enlightened view of international relations and 'social justice.' You work at Blockbuster. I don't care if you went to Yale, graduated with honors, and sat in on the Oslo Accords, you now work at Blockbuster. Outside the store, "We are all Palestinians" is the new "Free Nelson Mandela;" inside the store, you still work at Blockbuster. Even though the Kaffiyeh is the new Che Guevara t-shirt, you work at Blockbuster.

So next time I'm in the store--whether I rent Paradise Now, Goodbye Lenin, Fahrenheit 9/11, Time of Favor, Super Size Me, Thank you for Smoking, Marmoulak, Indoctrinate U, Le Grand Voyage, Monsieur Ibrahim, Munich or Syriana--just bag my fucking Sour Patch Kids and spare me your arm chair political analysis. Ass hat.

Cuba Gooding Jr. escapes from mediocrity and wanders onto commercial shoot.

Cuba Gooding Jr. has recently appeared in Hanes television commercials as part of a some-star cast of underwear spokespeople. To be clear, Michael Jordan has been Hanes' principal celebrity spokesathlete for as long as I can remember, and I think it's fair to say that he's at least somewhat associated with the brand in the popular conscience.

Why, I now wonder, has Hanes brought on Mr. Gooding Jr. to play second fiddle to Jordan's emeritus star? Is it really worth dragging Michael Jordan, a man who will be remembered as one of the history's finest athletes, through the mud for the sake of some third-rate slapstick? Now I'm a die-hard Hanes undershirt man: their tagless design is pure comfort. But I've got to reconsider my loyalties when a man of such extraordinary mediocrity begins to Bogart my shirts.

Cuba Gooding Jr., unhand Michael Jordan, and my undershirts too.

Pimp My Credit! with the Credit Pimp

I'm pretty sure these ads represents all that is slack and loose with the American economy. At least they are funny as hell. "Pimp My Credit!" I, II and III:







And, because credit debt is the embodiment of freedom, here's the Credit Pimp on Independence Day:

Thank You!!!!

To the Austinite (or ACL attendee) that turned in my camera to the lost and found tent:

THANK YOU!

To yours truly, please stop losing your camera/keys/face everywhere you go.



(Photo: Video board capture, as shot changed from Austin skyline to Arcade Fire crowd)

Naked pictures of dead philosophers

Amazon.com is my favorite place online to shop for books, CDs, etc., and normally they do a great job using your customer information, search and purchase histories to make product suggestions and generate content to your interests. However, I must say that the e-mail I received from them this morning is a bit off the mark:

As someone who has purchased or rated books by Jon Stewart, you might like to know that Kierkegaard and His German Contemporaries: Theology (Kierkegaard Research: Sources Reception and Resources) will be released on September 30, 2007. You can pre-order yours by following the link below.

Kierkegaard and His German Contemporaries: Theology (Kierkegaard Research: Sources Reception and Resources) Jon Stewart Price: $99.95 Release Date: September 30, 2007

Finally, the blockbuster follow-up to America (The Book) we have all been awaiting!

Another Self-Tighten for Pete

Let me describe the setting of the horrific knot above...

I went to a party last night and was rocking the social tie, as I often do. After more than a couple shots, a few ladies and I began a discussion centered on my social tie and why I wear one. I mentioned, "Girls like to pull on it and play with it and it looks cute, thus making me look cute." Said ladies laughed and pulled on my tie. This begot a discussion about knot tying. I then decided to display my superior knot tying skills using one of the ladies' ties. The knot above is the result.

Where to start....
1) Displaying any type of skills at a party, be they knot tying skills, air guitar skills, bo-staff skills, etc..., is simply not tight.
2) Pointing out that I wear a social tie to garner attention from women is very untaught.
3) The knot I managed to squeak out is the least tight pile of crap I've tied since my age reached double digits.
4) Jose Cuervo is totally untaught

PS- acceptable exceptions to 1. are dance skills and karaoke skills

Metro proves that it just doesn't give a shit

I feel the urge to issue a TU to the DC Metro on a near-weekly basis, but I've refrained thus far because, ya know, that would get repetitive. But today's fuck-up was slightly alarming. While commuting home on the Red Line this evening, I noticed a man board my car, deliberately set his heavy backpack on one of the seats, pace back and forth in front of the doors, and then briskly disembark at the very next station. My fellow passengers and I thought this was a bit odd, so one gentleman got up and used the telecom to let the driver know what happened. At the next stop, we all got out of the car, expecting some sort of investigation to ensue. Instead, the doors closed, and the train went on its merry way, leaving the riders of car #5407 standing on the platform with our thumbs up our asses. Now, of course I did my fair share of bitching when this happened. But this evening's incident seemed to warrant some kind of concern from the driver.

So Metro, if you're going to insist on playing those alerts every day enjoining us to point out stray baggage, maybe try to follow up a little?

Dammit Meg White

Dear Meg White,

You are hot. You are a rockstar. Ergo, you are a hot rockstar and prone to lapses of sanity and emotional stability. We all understand this, just as we all understand that "accute anxiety" is code for something much more sad, and you know what, none of us is really in the place to judge you. BUT WHY THE FUCK did you have to catch "accute anxiety" disorder right before my hometown's glorified rock festival, Austin City Limits Fest, the first of many dates you have cancelled. Is it because Jack is now married and happy with a 20 something year old Brasilian modela? For that matter, are the three of you in a love triangle? Are you actually his sister or former wife? De veras, no me importa, Meg. You have deprived me of rocking the FUCK OUT to this guy, who happens to be wearing an admiral/pirate hat, a universal sartorial paragon of tightness. I guess there is an opening now for the stage across Arcade Fire. Pepper, hop on a plane with yer banjo.

Tightness has a new home.

That's right, friends: next time you're three posts to the wind at a party and the only URL you can remember is "tightpantsDOTbrocollispotDOTinterwebz", salvation is at hand:

www.tightenupreport.com

For serious.
Yours in Tightness,
Board of Directors
The Tighten Up Report

Alas, the mind has failed me...

After spending 24 hours trying to come up with a suitable pseudonym with which to post, I must tell myself to tighten it up in the creativity and wit department. Thank goodness a fellow "Tighten Up" buddy - whom I will call "Mr. Genius Man" - had a stroke of, well, genius when he reminded me of the nickname I had to bear throughout my adolescence.

Here's to hoping that I have indeed tightened up my act before attempting to post once more! Oh, and thanks again Mr. Man.