Wait a second.... those aren't real frog eyes

From an email foward I got:
"Why middle aged ladies shouldn't get drunk at Mardi Gras." Yeah, no fucking kidding!
Ladies, Tighten Up Yo Titties!

Helsinki's got it goin' on.

HEL LOOKS is the most amazing fashion exhibition I've ever seen. On the Internets, anyway. Some of you other TU'ers are a bit more tuned-in with the fashion world than myself, but I bet we can all agree that these Helsinkians deserve a round of applause for their amazing sense of style. From weird to sheik, demure to punk-rock, these images are nothing less than inspiring. I haven't yet made it through the entire gallery, but here are some of my favorites:

I like second hand and unconventional combinations like high-waisted shorts with romantic, delicate shirts.

It's by accident that we are colour coordinated tonight!

My look today: a 50's NASA scientist on a summer holiday.

I think socks can tell so much about your personality!

I guess my style is a bit messy and slatternly.

He-Man, Pasolini and Wu-Tang Klan give me inspiration, too. Michel Foucault is my style idol. I like his aggressively intelligent and academic style.

Tonight's theme is Pony Boy.

At the moment I like grey, black and blue.

Summer is crazy!

Thanks for keepin' it tight, Helsinki.

Jimmy Carter could rewrite history...

but pusses out. Again.

Jimmy Carter, every American's favorite blowhard, peacenick, peanut-eating, orangutan of an ex-president proved once again he doesn't have sac enough to stand up for anything he believes in (i.e. freedom of assembly, threatened minorities, the downtrodden, etc.).

Point of evidence:

"You can't go. It's not on the program!" the local security chief, who only gave his first name as Omar, yelled at Carter, who is in Darfur as part of a delegation of respected international figures known as "The Elders."

"We're going to anyway!" an angry Carter retorted, telling security officers they didn't have the authority to stop him.

As a growing crowd gathered around the former president, Carter's U.S. security detail and his African Union escort tried to ease tensions. Carter later agreed to a compromise in which tribal representatives would be brought to him at another location later in the day.

JC, it's fine and good to talk a big game about human rights, freedom, and whathaveyou, but you actually have to act once you're in the game. After four years of uncontrolled inflation, allowing the energy crisis begun in 1973 to go unchecked, ceding control of the Middle East's wealthiest country to a group of fundamentalist clerics, and allowing American diplomats to be imprisoned for 444 days while overseeing the first mission (and largest failure) of US combined special forces, probably the best thing that could happen for your legacy is getting popped in Africa while trying to protect some villagers from being slaughtered. Way to fuck that up too.

Way to once again back down when given the chance do something about your 'convictions' while backpeddling furiously to cover your own ass. Jimmy, you too don't get to rewrite history.

Jimmy, tighten UP. You will be remembered as one of the weakest and categorically lousiest leaders in American history. Please spare us your 'heal the world, make it a better place rhetoric.' Please spare us your 'if onlies.' Please spare us your appeasement.

Please, pretty pretty pretty please, just for the sake of the children and the Asian countries, please, tightenthefuckupalready.

You don't get to rewrite history Bush

Ok, so I was going to write about how NYPD cops have no idea about what exactly, constitutes a switchblade, but I gots bigger beef on my plate.


Our beloved commander in chief is obsessed with his legacy. He is a "spectacular failure" in feasibly every respect, and so what do failing presidents spend the rest of the second half doing during the lamest lame duck presidency in my short time on this planet, or anyones for that matter?

They finally consult with people. Like academics, and people that are finally having the courage to tell him what they don't want to hear. Like America can no longer buy her image. Like we are running out of oil. Like gay rights is civil rights. Like Iraq will be not an Eden of democracy when we are finished there. etc. etc.

But another function of some of these meetings is to vet historians that are sympathetic to their cause and thus more favorable to their point of view of how big a fucking disaster Iraq has actually been. Fuck that. We are now in an age where technology enables real time history of current events, or past (witness brilliant Chuckee Cheese post). Blogs, etc. are the histories of Bush Rove Cheney co., so it is actually valid to write about how pissed off you get at these guys. I digress. Here is a picture of my mother. She is a librarian at a school where all the kids get free lunches, bless her heart, giving a speech at the White House through a pig puppet named Wilbur, because the kids love him. Go on with yo badselves, mom and wilbur.

Dear Papyrus Font,

It's time to bow out. It's too late to do so gracefully, and I'm sure you'll disappoint some Irish pub owners, homemade-greeting-card-making mothers, and highschool science fair students, but they're happy-go-lucky folks and can handle it.

At some point or another, we all fell prey to your vaguely mysterious angles, irregular serifs, and simulated brushstrokes, but let's be honest here: who's still wearing slap bracelets, fannypacks, and pump sneakers? Exactly.

Microsoft fontdustrial complex, tighten up.

PS A nod to www.iheartpapyrus.com for getting it together, and putting it on a t-shirt.

Tighten up that seat belt

This morning, David Brooks, one of my favorite NYTimes op-ed contributors, published a sad but true piece depicting what I believe to be a painful observation of our generation’s loss of idealism.

This stark epiphany stems from Jack Kerouac’s On the Road 50th anniversary (last month) and the ensuing lack of appreciation today compared to half a century ago.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/02/opinion/02brooks.html?th&emc=th

Quite frankly, we have become jaded. Driven by instant gratification and our obsession for seamless execution, we have deviated far from “the Road.” The hackneyed cliché “it’s not about the destination; it’s about the journey” could not be more wrong. Instead of enjoying this road of “youthful and reckless energy,” we have opted for the gloomy superhighways, saturated with boring societal speed limits – a paradigm for cultural mediocrity. And I, like many others, am responsible for this mediocrity.

Our friend Matt just returned from a much-anticipated trip around the country. 50 years after Kerouac’s exploits, I’d be happy to see how his experience compares. Regardless, I have to praise him for saying “fuck it” and taking the initiative to hit the road on a solo mission. It seems that we’ve lost our ability to think spontaneously and act on impulse. What was once seen as a bad ass idea is now often times considered an act of reclusive behavior.

So at the risk of contradicting this noble platform, I would urge us to un-tighten our perceptions of the unknown and get the hell out every once in a while.… And if that’s beyond the realms of reality, then just go see “Into the Wild” and live vicariously, even for just the weekend.

Jihadists need some serious work on their logos

Luckily, two Western graphic designers are on hand to offer some
pro bono tightening.


"I know those are supposed to be criss-crossed swords. But every time I look at them I think they look like criss-crossed fish."

Tighten up, Jewel

If a Chuck E. Cheese training video from the Eighties isn't tight enough for you, skip to the 2:44* mark...


*conversely, 8:06

"Non-Existent" Tighten-Up

I was just reading a story on National Geographic describing the discovery of a Flying Fox in the Philippines when a tighten up jumped out at me. The TU here goes to the "researcher" from University of Kansas who told his LOCAL guide that such a creature didn't exist when the guide described it to him. Way to reinforce the negative stereotype of Americans as pushy imperialists who think they know better then everyone else. Just because you got a PHD from some university you think you know better than a guy that has spent his whole life guiding unsuspecting tourists into the jungle. My favorite part is that the "researcher" then went back to his guide and apologized. I wish I knew what that fella was saying under his breathe immediately following that conversation...

99 Band Names with "Bear" On the Wall, 99 Band Names With "Bear"

First there was Grizzly Bear.

Now you've got Panda Bear. You've got Big Bear. You've got Bear Hands. You've even got the Muggabears. And just when you thought you'd had one "Bear" too many, you've got Minus the Bear.

It doesn't even stop there. Just this past week I saw some listing for a band called Care Bears on Fire. Perhaps they took a page or two out of Bear vs. Shark's playbook?

Stop it...