Lack of Tightness Leads to Nudity. Maybe.

When I was little, I entertained the idea of being a creative writer. You know, the make-it-up-as-you-go kind of stuff that takes lots of imagination and the ability to invent plot curves with a decent threshold of believablity. Over the years, I have come to terms with the fact that I don't have what it takes (intuition? innate understanding of the human...something? a taste for gin?) to look at Situation X and come up with Events A, B, and C that led to Situation X. Example: This sassy pink thong that I came upon while walking to school through the side entrance off West 114th Street.

"What the blazes??" = uncreative interpretation of Situation X. See?

Luckily, like any good contributor to The Report, I can put two and two together. DC glove dropper! We're on to you and your weird, seasonal East Coast hitchhiking strip tease. Granted, shedding layers of clothing for rides up I-95 is a pretty unique response to the unreasonable cost of train rides. And everyone likes a good "lost my bra in Jersey" story. But why you're not in Miami right now is beyond my grasp of things. Also...a little dangerous, no? Very C-list slasher flick. And also a little weird. I mean, this is a private school, after all! There is here an obvious need for major tightening. Belt buckles, boot straps, garter belts, whatever!! Just tighten that shit up.