More Radical Guitar Solos, Please

The modern pop music establishment needs to tighten up and provide more radical guitar solos for our listening enjoyment. I'm sick of turning on the radio and hearing lame-o wussified tunes with no heart.

I want to hear more shredding that sounds like the following:

• guts pouring out of skeletons' mouths
• demons tap-dancing on the damned with golf spikes
• hurricanes ripping through purgatory
• a wolverine fighting with a dozen jackals
• biohazardous materials catching fire during an earthquake
• ninjas clashing on mountaintops
• tea curtling because you put in milk and lemon
  

Yngwie Malmsteen, world-famous shredder, demonstrates the kind of thing I'm after in the following video. Get to it, John Mayer. You can play like Stevie Ray Vaughan and I know it, so tighten!