You and a Guest have Won a Non-inclusive Trip to the Sheraton 3rd World in Gorgeous Raleigh, NC

Dear Sheraton of Raleigh,

You are among the most untight of all of the untight hotels in all of the world. I hate thee...let me count the reasons.

1) Your "Hi ya'll! Welcome!" will never... I repeat, never make up for your Web-curious internet connection. I know the internet is scary and you only experimented with it when you were drunk those few times in college but believe it or not, some of us use it for business.

2) "Proudly serving Starbucks coffee" is in no way the same as being a Starbucks. In short, when I ask for the closest Starbucks, please don't direct me to the White Westinghouse Perk-for-2 in my room.

3) The SPG Club-level floors should not double as the platform for Housekeeping Idol. Your rendition of TLC's "Scrubs" was neither appreciated nor good.

4) Though many of your guests may choose to view only CourtTV and ESPN, on occasion I enjoy watching programming that doesn't end with a baby-daddy 'getting his.'

In conclusion, if I owned Starwood Hotels, I would abandon the Sheraton ship before I scared away the Ws. Tighten up Sheraton!