Note to self: Tighten the fuck up and post more than twice a year.

O Readers,

I write in the vain hope that this humble entry might serve as the first step of a long programme of repentance for my outrageous and unforgivable dereliction of duty, in not posting even one bite of content to this blog since well before the beginning of spring. I should have been booted from this blog long ago, and if my name has survived on the roster until now, it's only thanks to the boundless Tightness of certain powers that be, whom I thank for their mercy and understanding.

I do, however, bring tidings of an altogether different and more sordid nature. There is something profoundly Not Tight going on, and it's happening right here in Brooklyn; what is worst, it concerns something that I personally take rather seriously, by which I mean Steak. That is, in short:

Peter Luger needs to tighten up.

For those who don't know, Peter Luger's Steak House is one of the most famous steak houses in New York. It has been rated New York's Number One steak house for 23 years straight by Zagat's guide, which had this to say about it:

Nothing compares to this grand high poobah of steakdom, a Williamsburg temple of testosterone that's... right on the money when it comes to the best steak in the known world.

The most expensive steak in the known world? Quite possibly. The best steak in the known world? Methinks the lady doth protest too much, unless the known world happens to exclude my own kitchen. In the first place, contrary to Mr. Luger's preferred method, melted butter should not be applied to steak as, say, water to a burning building. It's just not necessary, and treating it so is an injustice to the quality of meat that he serves. The butter is in fact so over-abundant that it utterly drowns any kind of "steak juices" or "drippings" that one would hope to find on the plate, with which to douse one's steak and fries. That shit ain't tight, yo.

Second, steak sauce should not be (or taste indistinguishable from) a 1:1 combination of shrimp cocktail sauce and barbeque sauce. Admittedly, this statement comes from someone who thinks steak sauce in itself is a bit of an abomination, but the point is that when I'm paying $40 for steak I expect to find an unimpeachable standard of quality in every nook and cranny of the experience.

Look, Peter Luger serves a nice piece of meat. It would be outrageous to describe his food as anything less than very good. Is it worth the price he commands? I would say a whole lot of tightening up has to take place before I can answer that question in the affirmative.

I remain,

Yours sincerely,

Donald Rump