30 April 2008
Man, Limahl's blonde-mullet-toupee-wig-thing would make even the brightest student of Satoshi Fujita's "Pickup School for Men Who Can't Get Any" jealous. (Oh, and this deserves an honorable mention for making me spit water all over myself.)
There are days I can handle it and there are days when I seriously wish individuals who habitually insist on fake laughing as a way to mask being uncomfortable would lose the ability to inhale oxygen.
I understand thatsometimes some people get nervous having a normal social interaction with human beings, but a fake giggle that punctuates every sentence is really grating.
Oh and for that matter - if no one laughs at a really not funny joke... fake laughing REALLY LOUD doesn't make it better.
29 April 2008
To steal from Brenda here, these parents shouldn't be using a 15 year old as a moral compass. All of this idol worship is totally ridiculous. These parents need to raise their children, not rely on Disney to do it for them.
I recognize that all the pop stars they love are bat shit crazy: Britney, Jaime Lyn Spears getting pregnant, and these 10 year old girls that idolize them are sad because they worshipped these girls and they're total fuck ups. Yeah, they're fuck ups because they the standards they are surrounded by are too high.
Here's an idea, fill a child's life with meaning and maybe they won't reach out so desperately for fill in role models, LIKE FAKE ROCK STARS.
Tighten up parents and don't rely on corporate studios to raise your children for you.
Stop being so fucking lazy.
This has been on a billboard on my street for at least two months ... probably the longest any movie poster has been up on that board ever.
The tag line gets points for creativity ... but the premise of the movie itself ... Zombie strippers? Really?
If you think about it, it's pretty gross ... who - aside from Edgar Allen Poe and maybe Michael Jackson - would want to see a naked chick of the undead? From every zombie movie I've seen, they aren't the most agile group of monsters, so any pole swings or bending movements for that matter would be uncomfortable and awkward to watch.
I'm probably over thinking this but if I don't who will? Jenna? Doubt it.
28 April 2008
Rumor has it that the opulent party neglected to use high quality tents and it was pouring inside the tent. Buckets gathering rain everywhere. Thumbs down people. This is DC's ONE CHANCE to look great, way to fucking blow it. Amateurs.
25 April 2008
Why do you need to repaginate it anyway? Didn't you paginate it well enough the first time? Tighten up!
I am not a computer whiz and, quite frankly, have no idea what the problem is, but I do know one thing...
IT IS NOT TIGHT!
24 April 2008
I read a review on yelp.com about how great this greasy spoon is. I planned on having a breakfast meeting with Teddy and friends there at 7 AM. I called yesterday afternoon to be sure it was open. The fellow said they opened at 7. Well, they didn't open at 7. We waited until 35 minutes past 7. Nothing. Had to walk up to the Bean Counter where I could at least get something to eat.
Tighten up Georgetown Dinette!
23 April 2008
Last night I cooked a delicious pork tenderloin. It was delicious.
1. I overslept this morning after forgetting to set my alarm last night. Whoops!
2. When I got up to get into the shower, roommate Will said "hey Pepper, did you turn the oven on this morning to heat up your leftover tenderloin?" Erg, nope. Whoops!
3. He thought I was heating up the tenderloin because I had left it out all night on the cookie sheet, so he saw it sitting on the oven this morning. Whoops!
I feel like I'm 10 years old and just spent my first night home alone. With disastrous results.
Thanks, Gee. Thanks for documenting the details of my shameful visit to the U St NW 7-Eleven at what you recall in your note as approx. 11-12.
I blame Tuesday night open bar events. Gee's note is proof that open bars are too open and need a good tightening - especially on weeknights.
In case the photo is not clear, apparently I bought some goods including an Amy's Pizza and left all of it and my blackberry in the store. Gee was insightful enough to know that I wouldn't be back last night so she put the pizza back and put the rest in a plastic bag for my pleasure.
Tighten up Tuesday night open bars!
22 April 2008
From Today's Wash Post:
Life Expectancy Drops for Some U.S. Women
Historic Reversal, Found in 1,000 Counties, May Be Result of Smoking and Obesity
"For the first time since the Spanish influenza of 1918, life expectancy is falling for a significant number of American women.
In nearly 1,000 counties that together are home to about 12 percent of the nation's women, life expectancy is now shorter than it was in the early 1980s, according to a study published today.
The downward trend is evident in places in the Deep South, Appalachia, the lower Midwest and in one county in Maine. It is not limited to one race or ethnicity but it is more common in rural and low-income areas. The most dramatic change occurred in two areas in southwestern Virginia (Radford City and Pulaski County), where women's life expectancy has decreased by more than five years since 1983.
The trend appears to be driven by increases in death from diabetes, lung cancer, emphysema and kidney failure. It reflects the long-term consequences of smoking, a habit that women took up in large numbers decades after men did, and the slowing of the historic decline in heart disease deaths."
Ladies really...since the SPANISH FLU? Death by obesity and lung cancer is so untight. Step away from your fast food and your Marlboro Reds and tighten up. We have so few advantages biologically ... longevity was the ultimate revenge.
Why can't you take up good habits that men have? Like not having children?
21 April 2008
Page after page, I was struck by the sheer tightness of the party-goers. Tight in the literal sense of the word; many of them have been so tucked, sand-blasted, and smoothed over, they're left looking like clay caricatures of themselves.
Suddenly, I recalled this video from the deep, dark recesses of my childhood memory:
Hey rich people: You're going to get old and dry up. Just roll with it.
20 April 2008
You came in with a mandate after the elections of 2006. The mandate was simple. Use checks. Use balances. Put a stop to this disaster. Even if you can't get us out of this hole until 2009, at least stop the digging.
But you haven't. You are spineless. You have given in to every demand of the White House. As difficult as it must be for the president to have convinced 31 out of 100 people in this country to approve of the job he is doing, it is apparently even more difficult for you. Your approval rating is a humiliating (at least I hope it's humiliating) twenty-two percent. 22%! The worst president of all time can find nearly 50% more Americans who approve of the job he is doing than you can.
You are a disgrace to the very concept of representative democracy. Tighten up.
The Tighten Up Report
19 April 2008
Old Man Luedecke is one of my very favorite musicians. Imagine my surprise when I found out he released a new album--his third--on March 18; why, I could buy it right away! Checking the iTunes store, I saw it wasn't there. Checking his own website and navigating through store links, I found that it's supposed to be on iTunes.
I emailed the record company. A representative told me it was there. I checked again. It was not.
I emailed her again. She wrote back "don't know what to tell you. Clear your iTunes cache and try again." What the hell is an iTunes cache? Seriously, google it and tell me what you find.
The resolution? I buy it on Amazon, after shipping, for twice as much as I should have to pay. Isn't the internet supposed to make it easier to support independent artists?
18 April 2008
This bird is so tight. It looks like a Boston Market rotisserie chicken and Oksana Baiul got freaky and 9 months later...
Anyhow, this bird is more talented than many people I've been interviewing for jobs today. Tighten up interviewees. This bird is smarter than you!
The deal with L2 is that it has a relatively strict "members only" policy. The New York wenchmen will rip on this pretty much as soon as I post it, but it's how L2 operates. I don't really go out enough to bitch, but every time I've been there it's been a total ghost town except last night when it was like "trying to get into Fort Knox". I can't remember who said that last night but it was funny.
To confirm MB's tightness, I'd like to mention that there were several other cute girl regulars who got turned away at the door. What is this? Marquee circa 2004?
And frankly L2 loosen up! Let a bunch cute girls in. I call shenanigans on this member's only nonsense. It's bad business. Plus your website sucks. Flash is played out.
17 April 2008
Okay, I admit my love for Brenda Starr is unhealthy and unconventional but when someone opens your eyes to unicorns, peppermint-scented elves, and non-traditional marriages you can't help but fall in love. Brenda is also the reason I have some of the tightest friends in the world - Bone Donor, Pepper, Pete, The Becca, and the rest of the TUR crew. Enjoy this tight cartoon in honor of Brenda and as an ode to the magical, sparkly, peppermint-scented elves that write the TUR.
Dear Girl who is not my friend but I see everyday:
Tighten Up. Stop touching my stuff. I know we spend lots of time together in class-- but that does not mean you can touch my belongings. I have a personal bubble, and you are invading it. If you do not stop, I will be forced to call on my fellow wrenchmen. Yes, they carry wrenches.
com·prise. [kuhm-prahyz] –verb (used with object), -prised, -pris·ing.
|1.||to include or contain: The TUR authorship comprises several states and cities.|
|2.||to consist of; be composed of: The tighten up report comprises 24 members.|
|3.||to form or constitute: Tightening up comprised the day's activities.|
WRONG: Cuba Gooding Jr.'s skill set is comprised of acting, singing, and dancing abilities.
I don't care if dictionary.com says that's a colloquial use. It's irritating so stop using it.
16 April 2008
But what's this?
No seriously, what IS that thing?
Turns out, the menu explains exactly what it is.
But wait! It takes up the space of an entire mug of beer! And it doesn't really keep the beer that cold! After much knuckle wringing and deliberation amongst fellow bowlers, we knew what had to be done: the TU was thrown. (Click the image for the full awesomeness that is a TU under black light.)
It's one of the seven deadly sins, Kegler's: make like Uncle Joey and cut it out. Keep the cold in the icebox and give us back our beer!
This morning, I went to go make my lunch for today and I saw a hard boiled egg in a little container. Since I'm not at my house, I just threw all the lunch items in my purse. I drove a few minutes down the road and then a call came in from my mom. She had called to tell me that she noticed an egg was missing and she thought I might have taken it. I said yes. She said "it's not hard boiled, you know".... Thanks mom! That was a close one. Thanks for keeping it tight.
Expensive purse+raw egg= :(
I threw the egg out the window.
15 April 2008
"While noise is never cited as a reason for the spasms of violence, it is a silent enemy that makes the pressures of life that much harder to cope with, people on the streets here said."
Your accidental irony is laughable, Mr. Slackman; so is your last name.
/via rob v.
I was listening to the radio this morning and heard an advertisement that made me sad for America.
Hershey's is trying to convince consumers that Kit Kats are PERFECT with your morning coffee ... that's right Joe SixPack and Jane Frostingson ... it's now socially acceptable to eat a candy bar in the morning.
Soon they are going to replace coffee with Cookie Dough Sport.
The cereals, which were recalled in the U.S. on April 5, were also sold under the brand names Acme, America's Choice, Food Club, Giant, Hannaford, Jewel, Laura Lynn, Pathmark, Shaw's, Shoprite, Tops and Weis Quality. The affected cereals [unsweetened Puffed Rice and unsweetened Puffed Wheat] were marked with the best-before date of April 8, 2008, through Mar. 18, 2009.Gross. How the hell did salmonella agona get in your cereals, Malt O Meal!?! Cereaously loose, guys. Seriously.
14 April 2008
I got these Popeye's "spicy" chicken strips at a rest stop in Maryland on Friday. They were about as spicy as a glass of chocolate milk. Unacceptable. Also, the biscuit tasted like chemicals.
On the upside, they had Minute Maid grape soda, which was spectacular, tart, and refreshing.
Overall Popeye's experience: D-
11 April 2008
10 April 2008
Remember how exciting the Olympics used to be? Keri Strug, Dominique Dawes, Shannon Miller? Even better, Mary Lou Retton. Those were the days! Remember their boyish bodies and their squashed, little faces?
Well this year, the fun is ruined. Ruined because its an Olympics of Terror. Terrible protestors! Protesors getting all "stop harvesting organs, free Tibet, falun gong blah blah."
Tighten up protestors and stop terrorizing the Olympians and stop terrorizing my riveting coverage of the torch. In honor of Olympians past and the glitz and glamour of little girls in onesies who resemble little boys with sensible haircuts...spinning. jumping. flipping. I bring you this little gem: Keri Strug's heroic vaulting ankle twist. Perhaps the only thing more heroic in this video is Mama Strug's personal style. Those glasses, that flag print, and the bangs! Happy Olympics 2008!
This image is on the White Houses's website. I'm not sure to throw a TU for slack photo-editing, give a high-five for someone's brazenness (or excellent Photoshop work) or to maybe even give Cheney a high-five for having game, surprisingly enough (or maybe paying for game). Jeepers.
(Take a close look. If you didn't catch it, pay attention to the reflection in his glasses.)
UPDATE: Oh, snap! It's *not* a naked lady. Here's a really big version of this image. [Thanks, Noah.] Man, I love how our brains make up information! I still like the implications of this optical illusion, so I'm not gonna delete the post. [Related.]
09 April 2008
08 April 2008
07 April 2008
Tighten up, State Assembly Democrats--you've set back immeasurably the cause of New York City, virtually guaranteeing the low performance of transit, the continued degradation of the natural and urban environment, and tarnishing New York's legacy as a cutting-edge city where calculated risks can lead to incalculable rewards.
To the little girl who just darted past me in some kind of half-assed attempt to prove to her nearby mother that she's a major Speedy Gonzalez, tighten up! Seriously, you're not nearly as fast as you think. You said something like, "You can't catch me, I'm so fast!" Right kid, right. Look, you're 2.5' tall, tops, and I'm pretty sure your short mom could catch you pretty easily. I'm 6'2", and I bet you a bottle of Flintstones Vitamins that I could crush you in the 40m, 100m, high jump, long jump, and mile run. And if my friends and I got a relay team together, we would annihilate you and your toddler cohort in every major track and field event, and I'm pretty sure in most other sports too.
So fast? No, not so fast. Kids are stupid.
1:10pm - Show up to my general practitioner's office for my 1:15 appointment to get the last dose of a 3-shot vaccination* and fill out paperwork to update their "new" system -- you know; the usual [annoying, yet tolerable] stuff.
1:30 - Get called back at which time I'm informed that they can't actually give me the vaccine because they don't have any. Why not? Apparently "[health] insurance companies" (the nurse didn't tell me which ones) haven't been reimbursing them for it. The solution? I was given a prescription, told to have it filled, come back with the vial and they will administer it with their handy-dandy needles. Too bad I can't just drink the dose.
So all kinds of screwiness going on: Anthem (my provider) needs a fatty wrench to the corporate lug nuts if they're not reimbursing their clients. I *heart* my GP, but why didn't they call me last week so I could've gotten the prescription filled before my appointment today? And on that note, why wasn't this flagged this morning so they could've just handed me the prescription when I walked in instead of having me wait around for 20 minutes? Now I'll have wasted 2 lunch breaks and who knows if I'm going to get reimbursed for the vaccine itself, not to mention the doctor's visit.
Tighten up, wacky health care system. All this bureaucracy makes me feel like I'm in Brazil.
*Seriously, ladies: unless you're wearing one of these for life, kick cervical cancer in the face and get this biz.
While walking through the Rayburn Office building on Capitol Hill I was delight to find a vending machine with canned Diet Coke rather than bottled (it just tastes better ... don't know why). Unfortunately - a pleasant surprise quickly turned into a horrifying experience when the machine vended a CAFFEINE FREE DIET PEPSI instead of Diet Coke.
It might as well have vended a can of kitten milk or sheep blood.
FIRST breakfast now this?
Food services needs to tighten up .... yogurt is one thing ... but messing with Diet Coke near the nation's Capitol? Treasonous.
05 April 2008
04 April 2008
Do you mean Sam Davis the boy hero of the confederacy? Well I declare!
Yes, it's true: you can send your child to learn the "truths about the war for Southern Independence." And, in a feat of progressivity, this is the first summer that they're offering the program to girls!
And that's not all--you can apply now for your Sons of Confederate Veterans Visa card, complete with travel insurance (in case that angry mob finally catches up with you). Show the pride of your heritage: a heritage of tradition. Or, you could tighten up.
03 April 2008
Well my little shredded friend, it's no secret that you are tasty, that you are wholesome and nutritious, but you suck when it comes to keeping it together in milk. No sooner have I poured milk on you, put the container back in the fridge, and sat on the couch, than you are soggy. My friend Pepper says your downfall is the capillary effect, that you have no choice but to soak up milk, but this does not temper my dismay. Tighten up Post cereal scientists! Didn't you get your degrees in cereal engineering? If not, maybe you should go back to school with Pepper and learn about the capillary effect. After that, you can come back and build me some shredded wheat that holds its own in the bowl.
02 April 2008
Surely no artist would stoop so low as to wrap herself in a flag of techno and braless gyrations for a remix. Surely, Don McLean's piece was too perfect. Shirley? No, Madonna. She's carved out her own slice of American pie, but this was a travesty:
A summary of Chin Chin's violations:
1.) "Choking first aid" poster not posted."Alcohol and Pregnancy" Warning sign not posted. "Wash hands" sign not posted at hand wash facility. Resuscitation equipment: exhaled air resuscitation masks(adult & pediatric), latex gloves, sign not posted. Inspection report sign not posted.
2.) Non-food contact surface improperly constructed. Unacceptable material used. Non-food contact surface or equipment improperly maintained.
3.) Plumbing not properly installed or maintained; anti-siphonage or backflow prevention device not provided where required; equipment or floor not properly drained; sewage disposal system in disrepair or not functioning properly.
4.) Milk or milk product undated, improperly dated or expired.
5.) Garbage receptacles not provided or inadequate. Garbage storage area not properly constructed or maintained; grinder or compactor dirty.
6.) Facility not vermin proof. Harborage or conditions conducive to vermin exist.
7.) Sanitized equipment or utensil, including in-use food dispensing utensil, improperly used or stored.
8.) Food contact surface not properly washed, rinsed and sanitized after each use and following any activity when contamination may have occurred.
9.) Food not protected from potential source of contamination during storage, preparation, transportation, display or service.
10.) Hand washing facility not provided in or near food preparation area and toilet room. Hot and cold running water at adequate pressure not provided at facility. Soap and an acceptable hand-drying device not provided.
11.) Other live animal present in facility's food and/or non-food areas.
12.) Evidence of roaches or live roaches present in facility's food and/or non-food areas.
13.) Appropriately scaled metal stem-type thermometer not provided or used to evaluate temperatures of potentially hazardous foods during cooking, cooling, reheating and holding.
14.) Food item spoiled, adulterated, contaminated or cross-contaminated.
15.) Cold food held above 41°F (smoked fish above 38°F) except during necessary preparation.
16.) Hot food not held at or above 140°F.
Whoa there, Chef de Cuisine Chin Hing Kuen, sounds like it's time to tighten!
A couple other establishments that you might want to avoide include:
1. Saldi Pizza at 93-12 Liberty Avenue, Queens, with 130 points.
2. Cafe 21 at 668 6th Avenue, Manhattan, with 128 points.
3. Caffe Torino, 139 West 10th Street, Manhattan, with 122 points.
And in case you were wondering, a few of our favorite TUR haunts made it out alive (if barely):
Corner Bistro, 19 points
Koronet Pizza, 10 points
Grand Sichuan (St. Mark's), 10 points
San Loco (2nd Ave), 18 poins
Lion's Head Tavern, 26 points
Not so lucky was the Baggot Inn, with a revolting 44 points.
Bluegrass tonight, anyone?
Dumbfounded, Jeff Whitty and Melissa McEwan decided to show Jay their "gayest looks" (a picture of themselves flipping the bird) and began collecting similar images from around globe. It caught on.
Lame, Jay Leno: tighten up. That shit is not funny. And it's boring. Get a clue: no one finds it shocking Philippe played a gay teenager. He's had other acting rolls. Whoo.
And, My Gayest Look? Way to stick it to all the suckas.