09 March 2008

Get your own washing machine

It's Sunday, and that means laundry. So Jordan grabbed a pile of dirty linens and tossed them into one of the washing machines on our floor. When I went to transfer the laundry, both of the dryers were occupied, so I dropped them off upstairs. Skip forward an hour, when I'm walking back to our apartment with my arms full.

In front of me is a guy I've never seen before. He turns around to glance at me 3-4 times - very odd. He knocks on the apartment door across from ours, and when the door opens, a disembodied (female) voice asks sharply, "where are they?" The guy whispers, so as to not be conspicuous (nice try, jackass), "I think she's got them," tilting his head ever so slightly in my direction.

When I emptied the laundry bag onto our futon, what did I find but someone else's whites mixed in with our towels and sheets:



What. the. fuck.

We're not just talking about any-ol' whites. Someone had the audacity to mingle her nasty-ass, grotesquely pit-stained Juicy Couture blouse, socks, and cotton panties in with the towels we use to dry ourselves and the sheets upon which we sleep. Such an outrageous breach of etiquette neither Jordan nor I had ever encountered.

Use of a washer in our apartment costs $1.65. Dryers run $1.50. There are people in our building on public assistance, and presumably they're able to afford these modest sums. If not, maybe they use old-fashioned wash basins. Our neighbors, on the other hand, are yuppies. They can pay to wash their own clothes, and quite possibly dry clean them from time to time. What's more, when their arm pits render a white garment two shades darker than a cappuccino, they can probably afford to replace it.

I alerted Jordan to this act of malfeasance and asked what we should do. He immediately flew into a fit of spasmodic rage. "Are you joking? They're going down the trash chute." Pointing at the whites, he rhetorically asked, "What kind of sick fuckers would do that?" So, keeping our neighbor's befouled apparel at an arm's length, he dropped them into the garbage can.



We then went out to run errands and put the matter behind us, at least until the time came to draft this tighten up report. However, when we came home, we spotted a note taped to the laundry room wall:



Oh, Sarah. Don't do that. Don't compound your miserly, misanthropic misdeeds by lying about them. You've left us no choice, Sarah. We must deploy the dreaded tighten up card, scourge of laxity everywhere.



Sarah, you are delusional and in dire need of a tightening up.

17 comments:

Matt said...

This has to be the tightest deployment yet. Excellent work.

Stuart said...

I feel as if a Tighten Up training program could be developed from this immaculate example.

mandy said...

Oh, snap!

Pepper said...

inconceivable. well deployed.

!

The Becca said...

This also passes as a passive aggressive note, I think.

Laura Sherando Khawaja said...

So awesome. Where, oh where, might one obtain a pack of these cards?

The Becca said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pete said...

Dear the becca,

I am a Swahili business man and I recently came across a large stockpile of diamonds at an incredibly cheap price. Given the current world economy, now is a great time to capitalize on the international diamond market.

I would like to inculde you as an investor in my buildout of the mines. You can expect returns of 250% at least if you provide me with your bank account and social security number.

I would like to deposit a small amount of start up capital in your account to show you I can be trusted.

Thank You,

Spammy McSpamster

Pepper said...

Becca, I deleted your comment, although I hope you'll still consider pete's offer.

I don't want you getting spammed or tracked by the FBI for your tightening activities.

That Laura a college crony (with a new last name!) so our internal network of tightness will suffice for further communiques.

The Becca said...

OK as long as we're giving the people what they want.

Brenda Starr said...

This post is tight. Plain and simple.

Bobbie Zigfelt said...

Becca, you read my mind. passiveaggressivenotes.com Great entry!

Merujo said...

Omigod. I do not know you, yet I think I may love you. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

Moxie said...

Is there anyway that they were in the washer already and just got missed? I cannot fathom someone intentionally putting their clothes in with yours so I'm trying to figure out an alternative solution.

Jordan said...

not a chance, dr. moxie. the washing machine was empty. i think we all need to come to grips with the fact that the world is even more untight that we ever thought possible.

lacochran said...

Great post and I simply must get some of these cards!!

Another weird laundry moment from my college days: I go down to the laundry room in the building to retrieve my whites and I see some chick taking my socks out of the dryer. Flabbergasted, I say "Um, are you taking my socks?!" She says, "But they're so white!"

Oh, well, then...

*un-flippin' believable*

Dennis! said...

This is awesome. Unbelievable how cheap people can be. And gross! And I thought it was bad when someone stole my empty $1.99 laundry basket from the laundry room....

Please do update us when she receives her card!